• 10 July 2021
    I originally wrote the following story for the War Child anthology, "Kids' Night In". Several years later, the publishers Barrington Stoke, who produce books for children with dyslexia or other reading problems, asked me if I would work with them to tweak it, so that they could publish it as a short book. Working with their editing team, I gently changed the text in certain places, broke the story down into chapters, and added a haiku-type poem to the start of each chapter. They then hired an artist called Zack McLaughlin to illustrate the book with lots of pictures, and he did a brilliant job -- I highly recommend picking up a copy of the paperback edition if you can find it at a reasonable price, as it's a beautiful little book.

    HAGUROSAN



    Chapter 1 – The Boy and the Cake


    No path is ordinary / All are magical / Winding their ways to wonders



    “I don’t want to go to the shrine,” said Hagurosan. “I want to play.”

    “There will be time to play later,” his mother told him. She handed him a small cake she had just baked. “Take this and offer it to the spirits.”

    “But - ” Hagurosan began.

    His mother sighed. “Please,” she said. “I am too tired to argue.”

    And because Hagurosan was a good child, he pulled a face, stuck the cake in his pocket, and set off on the hour-long walk to the shrine.

    The Sun sizzled in the sky. Children played in the dust, splashing each other with water from the well. Some of Hagurosan’s friends saw him. “Come and play with us!” they called. But Hagurosan shook his head and walked on.

    Hagurosan climbed the small hill above his village. At the top he stopped to admire the round huts and straw roofs. Then he trotted down the gentle slope to the base of the Holy Mountain, where the real climb began.

    The gods lived on top of the cloud-capped mountain. The clouds were the floor of their home. When the sky was blue, it meant they were away.

    Only priests climbed to the top of the Holy Mountain. It was guarded by snake-dogs, and they would kill any foolish human who disobeyed the holy law that banned them from the top.

    Lower down the Mountain, there was a shrine where the spirits lived. Hagurosan wasn’t quite sure about the ways in which spirits were different from gods, but he knew they weren’t as powerful. They were also more involved with humans. Gods only helped with important matters, such as war, or diseases that threatened the land. The spirits, on the other hand, could protect a farmer’s crops, or make sure a woman’s birthing time went well.

    The climb was hard. The path was lined with trees, but the sun still found its way between the leaves, and Hagurosan was soon sweating. He stopped by a stream to wash his face and drink. The stream was a wild torrent in winter, but today it was a weak trickle.

    As Hagurosan rested, he saw a hungry bird turn over a pebble and peck at the insects below. Hagurosan’s stomach rumbled. Many splendid fruits grew on the Holy Mountain, but all were forbidden to the villagers. Only the priests could harvest the crops here.

    Hagurosan’s right hand crept to his pocket. “I can’t eat the cake,” he muttered to himself. “Not all of it. But I’m sure the spirits won’t mind if I take a small bite.” He pulled out the cake and nibbled at a corner. Then he nibbled at the other corners, to make it look as though the cake had been baked with slanted corners in the first place. Pleased with this plan, he went to put the cake back in his pocket. But then, because he did not want to break it, he decided to keep it safe in his hand. He climbed on up the Holy Mountain.

    Of course Hagurosan soon found that a cake in a boy’s hand has a habit of finding its way to his lips. As he climbed, he nibbled - a bit here, a bit there. He meant to leave a large chunk, but by the time he reached the shrine, only crumbs remained. They stuck to his fingers like glittering brown stars. And so he licked them up before he entered the shrine, so that he could place clean hands together and pray.


    Chapter 2 – The Shrine on the Mountain


    All of us sin / But no sin can define us / If we set out to make it right



    Short stone statues stood dotted in a circle around the shrine. Inside, the statues were larger. The biggest was at the centre, twice Hagurosan’s size. All of the statues had faces which were human and yet not human. Most had been covered in layers of clothing – a cape, a hat, a shawl. Toys lay at the feet of some statues, or tools, or coins. (There were not many coins. Hagurosan came from a poor village. They bartered with other villages for most of their goods.) Food – rotting cakes – surrounded every statue. All of these gifts had been left as offerings to the spirits.

    Hagurosan’s family always left their offerings at the feet of a statue near the back of the shrine. It had been built by Hagurosan’s great-grandfather, and it was meant to look like him. But today Hagurosan did not dare face that statue. He had eaten the offering and it was only now, inside the shrine, that he understood the size of his sin. He had taken food meant for the spirits. People who did that were struck down dead or inflicted with a dreadful disease. Sometimes their families were cursed, too.

    Hagurosan considered running away and lying to his mother, but he knew the spirits could not be tricked. His only hope was to throw himself at their mercy and pray that they took pity on him.

    Hagurosan walked to the statue at the centre of the shrine. As he walked he prayed, with his head bent and his hands joined. When he reached the statue, he fell to his knees and prayed for several minutes. Only then did he look up at the weather-beaten face.

    “I didn’t mean to eat the cake,” Hagurosan said. A tear trickled from his left eye. “I only wanted a bit of it. But I couldn’t stop once I started.” He rooted through his pockets, looking for something else to offer the spirits. But his pockets were empty. He could take off his shorts and leave them, but that would mean walking back to the village naked.

    “Please don’t curse me,” Hagurosan sobbed. “If you forgive me, I’ll come back with all my toys. I’ll give you all my dinners for a week. Anything!”

    A light breeze whistled through the trees, but that was the only response. Hagurosan stood up, not sure what to do next. “If you curse me,” he said to the statue, “will you please not curse my family? They didn’t eat the cake. That was just me.”

    Hagurosan turned and walked away, but before he made it out of the shrine, something twinkled on the ground and caught his eye. Stopping, he bent over and found a small silver coin nestled in a bed of moss.

    Hagurosan’s heart beat faster. A real silver coin! He’d never held one before. A copper coin, yes, a couple of times. But never silver. His head spun as he thought of all the things he could buy. Toys, sweet cakes, clothes. A present for his mother. She loved it when Hagurosan’s father returned from market with presents. It didn’t happen very often, but when it did she smiled her widest smile and was in a good mood for days after.

    Hagurosan gripped the coin tight, and started forward at a run… Then stopped.

    He opened his hand and gazed down at the coin. Then he looked back at the tall statue in the centre of the shrine. Although Hagurosan knew it was impossible, he had the feeling that the statue’s eyes had moved. They seemed to be focused on him now, judging him.


    Chapter 3 – The Silver Coins


    All things in life are hidden / Waiting to be uncovered / For the rest of time



    A handful of seconds passed.

    “OK,” Hagurosan sighed. He walked back to the statue and went down on his knees. With a heavy heart, he set the coin down on the floor in front of the statue. There weren’t many other offerings here, but every one was impressive – a beautiful mirror, necklaces, a leather wallet, and several sparkling jewels. People left only the best gifts at this statue, when they had something extra special to wish for.

    “There,” Hagurosan said. “It’s worth much more than the cake. You could buy a hundred cakes with it. But it’s yours now. I don’t deserve it.”

    He glanced up at the statue, hoping it would come to life, smile at him, and tell him that he could keep the coin. But the statue did not move. With one last sad look at the coin, Hagurosan rose. He was on his feet before he remembered that he hadn’t made a wish. With so great a gift, Hagurosan should have been able to make an extra special wish. But maybe he didn’t have the right to wish for anything. After all, the gift had been offered to make up for eating the cake. At the same time, it would be a shame to waste such a special wish if he could make one.

    “I know,” he said, as a wonderful idea came to him. “Bless the children of the world, especially those in need of help. Look after them and grant them happiness and a safe place to live. This is my wish.”

    Hagurosan bowed low to the statue, turned and walked towards the exit. But again, he stopped short. There was another coin! It lay in almost the same place, and looked very much like the first coin. Hagurosan felt faint. To find two silver coins in the same day was like something from a dream!

    As Hagurosan picked up the coin, doubt entered his mind. Was this a gift from the spirits? Was it a reward for giving the other coin to them? Or was it just good luck? If it was luck, then he should give this coin to the spirits as well. He still felt guilty about the cake. If he took this coin, the guilt would grow inside him and eat him away just as he had eaten the cake.

    “This has taught me a lesson I’ll never forget!” Hagurosan said, as he took the coin to the statue and dropped it beside the first coin. He still wished he could keep the coin, but he knew he was doing the right thing.

    Hagurosan headed for the exit again, faster than before, eager to race down the Holy Mountain and tell his friends what had happened. But, for the third time that day, he stopped before he had set a foot outside the shrine.

    There was another coin, nestled on its side in the moss!

    This time Hagurosan didn’t touch the coin. He stared at it, afraid. This wasn’t normal. It wasn’t just that he’d found three silver coins in the same spot on the same day. He had seen no sign of the second and third when he picked up the first.

    Now Hagurosan searched the ground, scattering the moss, sweeping through the dirt, making sure there were no other coins. When he was satisfied that this was the final one, he took it to the statue, set it down next to the others and again went to leave.

    There was another coin.

    Hagurosan stood over the coin, shivering. He stared at it for what felt like a year. His stomach was tight with fear.

    Then he stepped over it and hurried for the exit.


    Chapter 4 – A Pact


    The voice we hear in our heart / Is the voice that says on Day One / “Form and be born”



    Wait,” said a voice that was all voices.

    Hagurosan froze.

    We do not want you to leave,” said the voice that was all voices.

    Hagurosan managed to turn his head. He thought he would see the lips of the giant statue move, but they didn’t. The lips did not move on any of the statues. But words came from them anyway.

    We want you to collect the coins,” said the voice that was all voices. “When the day comes that you see no coin, you may leave with our blessing.

    “Wh-wh-wh-what if I… luh-luh-leave before that?” Hagurosan croaked.

    Then we cannot grant your wish,” said the voice that was all voices, and after that it was silent.

    * * *


    Late that night, Hagurosan’s father came looking for him. He found his son huddled on the ground in front of the shrine’s largest statue, crying softly. “Hagurosan,” he said, touching the boy’s trembling back. “What is wrong?”

    Hagurosan turned to his father and held him tight. “The spirits won’t let me go!” he moaned. “I ate their cake and now they say I’ve got to stay here to make my wish come true. But I don’t want it to come true, not if it means I can’t go home!”

    Hagurosan’s father let the boy babble, then worked the full story out of him. He was worried by his son’s tale. His first thought was that Hagurosan had made it up. But he could see the four silver coins lying together at the statue’s feet.

    “Where did you find the coins?” Hagurosan’s father asked. When Hagurosan showed him, he searched the ground over and over to make sure it was clear. “Now,” he said, with a smile for his son. “You don’t see any coins, do you?”

    “No,” Hagurosan sniffed.

    “Then come with me.” Hagurosan’s father held his hands out.

    Hagurosan took a step towards his father. A second. A third. Then he stopped, bent and picked up a dull silver coin. “See?” he said in a low voice. He turned and placed the coin in front of the statue with the others.

    Hagurosan’s father stared at his son in wonder, then spun round and ran down the Holy Mountain to fetch the local priest.

    * * *


    The priest did not believe the story at first, and he was angry at being disturbed during his supper. But when he saw Hagurosan produce eight silver coins in a row, his anger gave way to wonder.

    “It is a miracle,” the priest said to Hagurosan’s father and the small group of villagers who’d got wind that something strange was happening. “But I cannot make sense of it,” he told them. “I will need to ask for the help of wiser priests than me.”

    “But it will take you several days to walk to any place with another priest,” Hagurosan’s father said. “What will my son do until then?”

    “Stay here,” the priest said. “And pick up the coins. As many as he can.”

    The priest left, sweeping down the Holy Mountain with his robes flapping around him. Hagurosan’s father held a quick meeting with the other villagers. In the end they bundled their spare clothes together and passed them to Hagurosan. “You must sleep here,” his father said.

    “What about you?” Hagurosan asked. “Will you stay, too?”

    “I cannot,” his father said. “It is forbidden for normal people to spend the night here. But I will return in the morning and bring your mother.”

    Hagurosan’s father hugged him hard, then left with the other villagers. Hagurosan felt very alone. He wished with all his heart to race after his father and the other men. But he didn’t dare disobey the will of the spirits, so he pulled the clothes tight around his body and tried to rock himself to sleep.


    Chapter 5 – A choice


    When the first choice was made / Human souls were conceived / And the universe rejoiced


    Hagurosan’s mother marched up the Holy Mountain the next morning. She was determined to return to the village with her son. But when she saw him pick coins out of what seemed to be thin air, she realised her son was at the centre of something wonderful. Instead of taking Hagurosan from the shrine, she comforted him as best she could. She gave him biscuits, and promised to return later with fresh cakes and bread, fish and meat, or anything else he desired.

    Over the next few days, the people in the village took turns to carry food up the Holy Mountain to Hagurosan. They also brought him clothes and toys. Many children came to play with him. They were odd with him at first, since they had heard their parents talk of him as a boy marvel. But after a few minutes they saw that he was the same Hagurosan as always, and played with him just like before.

    When he wasn’t playing with his friends, Hagurosan picked up coins. He lost count of the number in the middle of the second day, but the pile was soon as high as his knees. The villagers said he must have picked up five or six hundred coins – a fortune.

    Each time Hagurosan found a coin, he prayed that it would be the last. But every time he tried to leave, a new coin was waiting to be added to the pile that grew and grew at the foot of the statue.

    * * *


    Twelve days later the village priest returned with seven older, wiser priests by his side. The villagers had never seen so many priests before, or such important ones. Most were scared of them and stayed inside their huts. They were afraid that the priests might think that Hagurosan’s coins were a bad omen, and perhaps curse the whole village.

    Some braver visitors stayed by the shrine. The village priest told these people to go. Then the seven senior priests entered the shrine and stood in a large circle around Hagurosan. They made Hagurosan show them his ability to find the magical coins. Then they tried and failed to do the same. Once this was over, they questioned Hagurosan for hours. Some shouted at him and some whispered to him softly. Some threatened him, some offered bribes. Hagurosan was terrified and confused by the attention, but all he could do was tell the truth, and so he did.

    After all this, the oldest priest who had not yet spoken stood and cleared his throat. The other priests fell silent.

    “This boy has been blessed with punishment,” the old priest said. “The spirits have asked him to collect the coins in order to grant the wish he made. Hagurosan asked them to bless the children of the world, to help and protect those in need. The spirits have granted this wish. They are giving us the means to help the children ourselves.” He looked at Hagurosan. “The coins are for the children. Hagurosan will collect them, then we will take them and spend them on children who need help.”

    “But it is forbidden to take offerings from the shrine,” another priest said.

    “Yes,” the old priest agreed. “But the coins are not our offerings to the spirits. They are offerings that the spirits have made to us.”

    The old priest looked at Hagurosan. His eyes were dark and deep, and Hagurosan found that he could not look away.

    “You do not have to do this,” the old priest said. “The spirits did not order you to stay. They only said they wanted you to collect the coins. If you choose to leave, they will harm you. But there will be no more coins, and the children you wished to help will suffer.”

    Hagurosan almost fled when he heard that. He hadn’t really thought about what he was saying when he made the wish, and he had no desire to give up his own freedom to help others. But now that he thought about the priest’s words, he saw how much of a difference he could make. War and disease were common in his part of the world. There were many orphans, alone and helpless, doomed to die of hunger and lack of care. Now Hagurosan had the power to help them. If he turned his back on this chance, he would feel like the most miserable person on the face of the planet.

    “OK,” Hagurosan said, with a heavy heart and tears in his eyes. “I’ll stay.” And as he said it, he imagined a prison door clanging shut behind him, cutting him off from the world for the rest of his life.


    Chapter 6 – Lost and Found


    No Matter the Creeds of Man / Respect the Holy / And the world is your reward



    You’re the green-tooth monster!” shouted a young boy, and slapped Hagurosan hard. Hagurosan opened his lips to show his teeth, grunted like a monster, and lumbered after the children. The children ran away from him, shrieking with laughter.

    Hagurosan was a young man now. Other men his age were hunting and farming, travelling to market to trade their goods, making plans to marry. But Hagurosan still stayed in the shrine. He heard from the children and other visitors about the great world outside, but he was unable to set foot in it.

    He knew every last inch of the shrine. He had walked around it thousands of times. He knew every crack in every statue. He knew the birds, foxes and squirrels that came to feed on the offerings left for the spirits. They had been afraid of him to begin with, but now they saw him as just another part of the shrine.

    The village at the foot of the Holy Mountain had changed beyond recognition, the visitors told Hagurosan. The coins he collected had been spent well. Shelters had been built for children who were victims of war or suffering. New bakeries had been established. Public baths. Playgrounds. Even a school!

    The village elders always came to Hagurosan for advice. They asked for his opinion before any building work began. He had been blessed by the spirits, and they did not want to offend them by somehow offending Hagurosan.

    When Hagurosan wasn’t talking of plans with the elders, or collecting coins, he was most often to be found playing or talking with the children. The children loved him. Many were nervous, scared and surly when they first came to the village. Hagurosan put them all at their ease. He was able to talk with them, even if they didn’t speak his language – this was another gift from the gods. He would spend time with them when they came, and tell them about his past and the village. Over time, he would chip away at the defences they had built to keep the world out. First they learned to trust Hagurosan, and later to trust others.

    In return for helping them, the children made sure Hagurosan had plenty of company. It was lonely on the Holy Mountain, but the children helped the days pass by. He could not help but be lonely at night, when he lay all alone in the small shack the villagers had built for him inside the shrine. But the days never dragged.

    Sometimes Hagurosan was jealous of his young friends. His heart often hurt when he thought of the childhood he had lost. He would have given anything to be one of the children he helped - to be able to roam about the village, run where he wished, hunt with the men, trade at market, date girls.

    But he was never sorry for the decision he had made. Almost every day new children arrived. Strays and waifs travelled for months on end to find a safe place to live. They crossed war zones, braved forests filled with wild animals and ghosts that could suck out a man’s soul. Children with no parents and homes, children who’d been lost or abandoned, some on crutches, some who could only crawl. They were all hurting in one way or another. They were lost, afraid of the world, looking out on it with haunted, distrustful eyes.

    Before, these children would have died, or grown up into horrid adults, filled with hate and twisted by bitterness and lack of love. Now they had a corner of the world to call their own. They had homes, food, clothes, education and love. They played with the children of the village and grew happy and strong. Smiles replaced tears and hope replaced fears.

    Whenever Hagurosan felt sad or jealous, he looked into the eyes of the rescued children. When he saw the relief and happiness there, he knew with all his heart that he had made the right decision. That didn’t make the regrets go away, but it allowed Hagurosan to live with them.


    Chapter 7 – Important priests


    Those who would take / Are those we should not trust / As they would take all and still want more



    One day, a new group of priests climbed the Holy Mountain. They said they had come to take Hagurosan away.

    “We have been sent by a prince from the far north,” the head priest told Hagurosan. “He wishes to take you to live in his palace. He will use the coins to build new temples to his own spirits.”

    “But what about the children?” Hagurosan cried. “The spirits give me the coins to help the children.”

    “No,” the head priest said. “We believe that the other priests did not understand the spirits’ message. The spirits wish us to honour them. They would not waste such a fortune on simple children.”

    “But they’re not wasting it!” Hagurosan said.

    “You are a peasant,” the priest laughed. “What makes you think you know more than us? We have devoted our lives to understanding the ways of the spirits and making sense of their wishes.”

    “But -” Hagurosan began.

    “Come!” the priest snapped. “Do not argue. Leave with us now or else –”

    It is not for you to understand the ways of the spirits,” a voice broke in. It was the voice that was all voices. Hagurosan had heard it before, and he smiled. But the priests had never heard it, and they cowered in fear. “The people we speak to hear us in their hearts and have no need of interpreters,” the voice that was all voices said. “Hagurosan is doing our work. Let him be, and never again claim to know our thoughts.

    The voice that was all voices fell silent. Moments later the priests fled, pale and shaken. They never returned, but word spread of what had happened. In the years to come more and more people came to the Holy Mountain, to learn from the man who had heard the spirits with his heart. Hagurosan had only one thing to teach them, since there was only one thing he knew.

    “Be kind to the children, and protect them,” he told them.

    The people who came to see him sometimes went away wishing he had given them more advice. But then they wandered through the village of happy, warm-hearted children, they came to see that the one thing Hagurosan knew was enough. If they could get that right, everything else would one day follow.


    Chapter 8 – The Voice that was All Voices Speaks Again


    Never doubt the glorious / It reveals itself / As time rids our souls of flesh



    Many years passed. Hagurosan’s parents died, and so did his friends. Hagurosan became an elder, one of the oldest ever known. He moved slowly now, and creaked when he bent to pick up the coins. He did not need to sleep much at night, or eat much.

    Hagurosan enjoyed this time in his life. Every morning he would wake early and collect coins. Just after dawn, children from the town started to arrive and Hagurosan would pass the day talking and playing with them.

    Hagurosan never grew tired of the children. Adults came to see him, too, and he talked with them politely, but he preferred the company of children. Perhaps he had never really grown out of his own childhood. In some ways he had been robbed of it. He had not grown up in the same way as other children, learning the ways of adults. Inside he was still a child, and he saw the world through the fresh, hungry, curious eyes of a child.

    Nobody knew how many children had been helped by Hagurosan’s coins. Thousands, that was sure. Tens of thousands, it might have been. Perhaps even more. They had come from all corners of the world, had braved the harshest journeys, to find friends and protectors, comfort and rest. They were safe here. The village had grown over the years and became one of the biggest towns in the land. It had also become a haven. No tribes attacked Hagurosan’s people, or made claims on the area. It was a holy place, respected by all, where children could play and grow. No war, no suffering, no hatred, no greed. There was enough for all, and all had an equal share.

    As the children grew, some married and stayed in the town. Some moved away to lead happy lives in other places. Others left on a mission. They walked from town to town, village to village, and told the story of Hagurosan. They planted the seeds of an idea in the minds of the people who heard them. “This does not have to be a one-off,” they said. “Children from all over the world have come together and created a heaven on earth. If that can happen in one village, why not in all?”

    Hagurosan didn’t think the world was ready for the message. He thought people had a long way to go before they were ready to think that they had the power to create a perfect world. But it was a start. People would grow and learn, as the children of the town grew and learned. Perhaps, many years in the future, all villages and towns would be like Hagurosan’s. There would be no war, and no child or person would ever suffer or be hungry or lonely again.

    * * *


    One day Hagurosan was talking with some of his many children. They were telling him the latest news from the town. He always liked to hear about the town, even though he often felt a pang of envy and wished he too could walk the streets and see the place he had helped to make. But the pang was a small one, and he had learned to ignore it over the years.

    Today, however, as the children were speaking, a sharp pain shot through his chest. He was surprised by it, and upset at himself for being so foolish. To shake off the feeling, he walked towards the exit, where he could pick up some coins. But when he got to the spot where the coins appeared, there was nothing. He stopped, confused, then took a few paces forward in case he had stopped at the wrong spot. Still no coin.

    Hagurosan turned to ask the children if they had played a trick on him. But what he saw made the words die on his lips. The children were gathered around the body of a man, by the large statue in the centre of the shrine. It was clear that the man was dead.

    That man was Hagurosan.

    As Hagurosan watched, the children wept and stroked the hair and face of the dead man. Two of them ran down the Holy Mountain to get help. The rest stayed to keep Hagurosan’s body company.

    “Can I leave now?” Hagurosan asked. His words were softer than a spring breeze.

    Yes,” said the voice that was all voices.

    “Where will I go?” Hagurosan asked.

    Follow the path,” the voice that was all voices said. “You will find your way. And, Hagurosan,” it added as he turned to leave, “childhood is the purest state. The pure of heart never leave it behind. Their life takes them along a road away from it, but in the end they find their way back.

    Hagurosan didn’t understand, but he sensed that the voice that was all voices had finished. He bowed once to the statue at the centre of the shrine and gazed one last time at his own face - he hadn’t realised he was that wrinkly! Then he left the shrine at a quick pace, keen to see what the world was like.


    Chapter 9 – A New World


    Mourn for what you lose / But not for long / Since all will be found if you walk in love



    Hagurosan walked down the Holy Mountain at a brisk trot, free now from the pains of old age. He passed through a huge, sprawling, modern town that looked nothing like the village where he had once lived. What impressed him most wasn’t the new buildings, the fine roads, the schools and the playgrounds. What he loved was the look of joy and happiness on the faces of the people. They had no more riches than the people in most other towns, since all the money Hagurosan raised had gone to feeding and helping the children. But they were richer in spirit, and Hagurosan could now see that that was the most important gift of all.

    As Hagurosan left the town, the path and the countryside changed. He found himself in a new world. It was much like the one he had left, but brighter and lighter. He sensed that this world could be peaceful if he wished it to be, or full of life. It could be loud or still, vast or tiny. Anything was possible now, and it always would be.

    As Hagurosan walked, he felt his body change from the body of an old, old man to the body of a child. It happened fast, in less than the blink of an eye. He stood and stared at his tiny hands and little feet. Then someone shouted his name. A young girl raced towards him, laughing and clapping. Other children followed, boys and girls, all as happy to see him as the girl in front.

    Hagurosan was confused for just a second. Then he knew who the girl was – his mother. And behind her he saw his father and his other relatives, and friends from both his childhood and his old age. And he knew them all, even though they were all now children.

    As Hagurosan’s mother hugged him, and the other children stood round him, he was filled with understanding of this new world. This was what the voice that was all voices had tried to tell him. Childhood is the purest state, and the pure of heart always return to it. Life might be hard, and a person might suffer with many trials. But always, at the end, there is the promise of a return to childhood - a world of wonder, where every day is an adventure and every night is filled with splendid, endless dreams.

    When he understood, Hagurosan laughed and hugged the children around him with a new joy. He had lost nothing in all his years in the shrine. He had not missed out on anything. The spirits had not stolen away his childhood. No one can steal a person’s childhood, not in the long run.

    Hagurosan’s band of friends and family broke apart after a while and drifted away. They would come one-by-one to speak with Hagurosan later. They did not need to tire him now. There was no rush in this world. Hagurosan’s mother held his hand tight and smiled. “Are you ready for this?” she asked.

    “Yes,” he said.

    “Then let’s go!” she whooped, and ran with Hagurosan down to where the children were playing and would continue to play, in peace, security and love, for all the circles of time and the endless loops beyond.
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  • / Midsummer’s Bottom plot sheet
  • 05 August 2019
    This is a page of chapter notes that I wrote for Midsummer's Bottom, one of my Darren Dash novels for adults. I often get asked (usually by budding authors) how I go about plotting my novels. There's no one simple answer, because I approach them in different ways. I don't have a set formula for creating a story -- I go with what feels right each time round. Sometimes I'll jot down only a few brief notes and write on the fly. Other times I'll plot obsessively in advance and try to map out as much of the novel as I can before I sit down to write.

    Midsummer's Bottom falls into the latter category. For those who haven't read it, it's a fantastical farce, in which a group of bad actors stage a performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream. It's a very tricksy plot, with lots of characters and lots of complicated relationships, and lots of things go wrong in it when it comes time to stage the play, leading to all sorts of wild improvisations. Farce is actually very difficult to write, as everything needs to work very well behind the scenes in order for the visible chaos at the forefront to succeed. So I wrote up lots of notes for this book, including this handy one-page guide to everything that was going on, so that I wouldn't get lost along the way and wind up as confused and directionless as my cast of characters!

    If you haven't read the book, I wouldn't recommend looking into the notes in great details, especially further down the page where there are spoilers galore. But even a brief skim will give you a pretty good idea of just how work progressed in this instance, and perhaps -- if you're one of those budding authors who often ask about these matters -- it will help give you an idea of how to go about plotting your own complicated little masterpiece! (Although, as I already said, I plot in lots of different ways. I don't believe there's only one way to write a book, and I always stress that there is no *correct* way -- it's all about trying different things and finding a way or ways that work for YOU.)
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  • / Christmas Songs
  • 17 December 2018
    I've adapted some traditional (and recent) Christmas songs over the years, to fit them in with my body of work. Here are a few that you might like to sing this yuletide... even if only to yourself!


    Zombie Baby (to the tune of Santa Baby)

    Zombie baby, slip some brains under the tree, for me
    I've been an awful good girl
    Zombie baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

    Zombie baby, a glass of blood please for the undead, light red
    We'll drink a toast to those we've eaten
    Zombie baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

    Zombie cutie, I really like the brains of those who bleed, indeed
    Make them fresh and extra tasty
    Zombie cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

    Zombie baby, the only things I fear in life are dreams, and screams
    When you attack me on an airplane
    Zombie baby, come hurry down the chimney tonight

    Zombie baby, don't you think I'd make a yummy, mummy
    Together we could be so happy
    So zombie baby, hurry down the chimney tonight



    Jingle Bells

    Jingle Bells, Murlough smells, Evra can lick his nose,

    Vancha March spits a lot, and Evanna wears ropes as clothes.

    Jingle bells, in vampire hell, every demon carries a stake,

    (They don't know that bad souls in fact go to a dark lake.)

    Dashing through the fields, on a wild vampaneze hunt,

    Darren at the rear, Mr Crepsley at the front,

    Lots of twists and turns, who to fear and trust?

    Only one thing is for sure -- It's kill the Lord or bust!

    Oh, Jingle bells, all will be well, if they kill the Lord,

    But if they lose, two will die, and the vampire clan will fall.

    Oh, jingle bells, who can tell what fearsome depths they'll delve?

    The only way you can find out is to buy and read book twelve!



    Up a chimney

    When Murlough got stuck up a chimney, he began to shout,

    "You girls and boys will make lots of noise once I wriggle out!

    I'll rip off your skin, smear you with jam, I'll gobble your insides down too!"

    When Murlough got out of the chimney, boo-hoo! Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!



    You better be Good

    You better watch out, you better be sly,

    You better be brave, I'm telling you why,

    The vampaneze are coming to town.

    They feed when you are sleeping, they drain your body dry,

    They suck all your blood from your veins

    And it won't help if you cry.

    Oh, You better watch out, you better be sly,

    You better be brave, I'm telling you why,

    The vampaneze are coming to town.

    They'll stick a big straw in you, and slurp your red blood down,

    So if you don't want to wind up a corpse

    You'd best get out right now!

    Oh, You better watch out, you better be sly,

    You better be brave, I'm telling you why,

    The vampaneze are coming to town.



    Must be Murlough

    Who likes to dress in a nice white suit?

    Murlough likes to dress in a nice white suit.

    Who's got long nails and teeth to boot?

    Murlough's got long nails and teeth to boot.

    Nice white suit, long teeth to boot,

    Must be Murlough! Must be Murlough!

    Must be Murlough with the fearsome jaws.

    Who's got nasty purple skin?

    Mulough's got nasty purple skin.

    Who's got a soul the colour of sin?

    Murlough's got a soul the colour of sin.

    Purple skin, colour of sin, Nice white suit, long teeth to boot,

    Must be Murlough! Must be Murlough!

    Must be Murlough with the fearsome jaws.

    Who only comes out at night?

    Murlough only comes out at night.

    Who like to give humans a fright?

    Murlough likes to give humans a fright.

    Gives humans a fright, only comes out at night,

    Purple skin, colour of sin, Nice white suit, long teeth to boot,

    Must be Murlough! Must be Murlough!

    Must be Murlough with the fearsome jaws.

    Who likes to play around with bones?

    Murlough likes to play around with bones.

    Who sits on a blood-drenched throne?

    Murlough sits on a blood-drenched throne.

    Plays with bones, blood-drenched throne,

    Gives humans a fright, only comes out at night,

    Purple skin, colour of sin, Nice white suit, long teeth to boot,

    Must be Murlough! Must be Murlough!

    Must be Murlough with the fearsome jaws.

    Who's got a taste for boys and girls?

    Murlough's got a taste for boys and girls.

    Who's the biggest monster in all the world?

    Murlough's the biggest monster in all the world.

    Boys and girls, all the world,

    Plays with bones, blood-drenched throne,

    Gives humans a fright, only comes out at night,

    Purple skin, colour of sin, Nice white suit, long teeth to boot,

    Must be Murlough! Must be Murlough!

    Must be Murlough with the fearsome jaws.

    Who's as mad as a march hare?

    Murlough's as mad as a march hare.

    Who slaughters all in sight and doesn't care?

    Murlough slaughters all in sight and doesn't care.

    Mad march hare, doesn't care,

    Boys and girls, all the world,

    Plays with bones, blood-drenched throne,

    Gives humans a fright, only comes out at night,

    Purple skin, colour of sin, Nice white suit, long teeth to boot,

    Must be Murlough! Must be Murlough!

    Must be Murlough with the fearsome jaws.

    Who's the man who likes to go hmmm?

    Murlough's the man who likes to go hmmm?

    Who's going to dance on your tomb?

    Murlough's going to dance on your tomb.

    Likes to go hmmm, dance on your tomb,

    Mad march hare, doesn't care,

    Boys and girls, all the world,

    Plays with bones, blood-drenched throne,

    Gives humans a fright, only comes out at night,

    Purple skin, colour of sin, Nice white suit, long teeth to boot,

    Must be Murlough! Must be Murlough!

    Must be Murlough with the fearsome jaws.

    All together:

    Must be Murlough! Must be Murlough!

    Must be Murlough with the fearsome jaws.

    Once again, and louder this time:

    Must be Murlough! Must be Murlough!

    Must be Murlough with the fearsome jaws.

    And the final time, give it all you've got!

    Must be Murlough! Must be Murlough!

    Must be Murlough with the fearsome jaws.




    Christmas Time

    Christmas time, mistletoe and wine, Lord Loss is coming to YOUR house to dine,

    With limbs on the fire, and blood boiled for tea, this Christmas is one of sheer misery!

    A time for chopping, a time for dicing, a time for guts -- always enticing,

    Cruelty and slaughter for time ever after, He's coming for YOU so beware of the Master!

    Christmas time, mistletoe and wine, Lord Loss won't pay any heed to your whines,

    He'll douse you with gravy, and smear you with spit, this Christmas is sure to be totally... very, very glum indeed!!!


    :-)


    DARREN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING ...
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  • / Twas The Night Before Christmas
  • 16 December 2017
    I wrote this for a competition that Amazon were running a while back, where they invited writers to revise the famous old poem. I didn't win (pity the fools!) but it tickled my fancy, so I thought I'd share it here. Just don't expect any reindeer -- this is the 21st century, so I figured Santa would have rolled with the times and updated!

    Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the flat
    Not a creature was stirring, not even a cat.
    The black bags were hung outside by the lifts,
    In the hope that old Santa would drop off some gifts.

    The children were playing on their iPad,
    Ignoring the cries of their poor Mum and Dad.
    “To bed,” they both cried, “children, to bed!”
    To which the kids snorted, “We’ll sleep when we’re dead!”

    When out on the roof of a 7-Eleven,
    Something came clattering down from the heavens.
    Off to the window I trotted with glee,
    Had a plane overhead dropped its WC?

    A full moon shone bright on a roof packed with snow,
    Which was also lit up by a street lamp’s harsh glow.
    I saw, to my wonder, a sight most bizarre,
    A red, stylish sleigh, hooked up to eight cars.

    With a young, handsome driver, so lively and quick,
    I gawped as I thought, “That can’t be St Nick!”
    The car engines roared, their exhausts shot out flames,
    And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

    "Now, Audi! now, Lexus! now, Tesla and Bentley!
    On, Jaguar! Porsche! Merc and Ferrari!
    Get down off this roof! Then head for that wall!
    Now vroom away! Vroom away! Vroom away all!"

    Like eight untamed horses they leapt oh so high,
    Flew down close to the road, then up! to the sky.
    To the top of the block with our flat those cars flew,
    With the sleigh full of toys, and Santa Claus too.

    And then, in a twinkling, I heard just outside
    The sound of a boot start to scrabble and glide.
    The glass in the window turned into mist,
    Then Santa swung in and blew Mum a kiss.

    He was dressed in red lycra, from his head to his foot,
    Every inch of him spotless, not a whisper of soot.
    A wild cloud of Toys floated behind,
    A-spin in the air, controlled by his mind.

    His eyes — how they shone! his sunglasses, how hot!
    His cheekbones so high, up his nose, not a snot!
    His smile was as wide as our widescreen TV,
    And there on his chin was a tight, white goatee.

    I knew he brushed often, by the shine of his teeth,
    And chewed gum after meals, one sugar-free piece.
    He was sporting a six-pack, finely tuned abs,
    He tapped them and grinned, said, “Aren’t they fab!”

    He was such a preener, a right vain old elf,
    So I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
    A Do-I-care? sniff and a flick of his wrist,
    Let me know my opinion wouldn’t be missed.

    He struck a daft pose, and looked for the bags,
    Dad said, “By the lifts, and oh! what a Jag!”
    Santa nodded and beamed, and murmured, “Vroom! Vroom!”
    Then waved us goodbye as he slipped from our room.

    From there to his sleigh, and off his team tore,
    Until this time next year, to be seen nevermore.
    But I got a text from him, before he drove out of sight,
    "Happy Christmas, cool cat, have a groovy good-night!"
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  • / OTHER STUFF - THE TRIAL OF COL LECTOR
  • 06 February 2017
    WE LEARNED ABOUT FOUR OF THE TRIALS IN "THE TRIALS OF DEATH. HERE'S SOME INFO ABOUT ANOTHER ONE.


    Col Lector was a famed General who was ambushed by a group of vampaneze during a scouting mission to find out if they were planning to attack Vampire Mountain. (This was not long after they broke away.) He managed to evade them for a while, but they caught up with him as he was swinging his way across an old footbridge above a chasm -- it was in very poor repair, so he had to dangle from the remaining boards and pieces of rope and haul himself across, hand by hand. The vampaneze hurled rocks and knives after him, and though they wounded him badly, he made it to the other side and escaped.


    The Trial of Col Lector is held in a high-ceilinged chamber in Vampire Mountain. Bars and ropes have been strung across the top of it, and vampires have to dangle from them for five minutes, moving from one sector to another while attempting to dodge the rocks and knives that a selection of their peers on the floor are throwing at them. It's one of the more perilous trials, which seven out of every ten vampires fail. Mr Crepsley drew that as one of his trials on his way to becoming a General, and fared better than most, skillfully avoiding almost all of the flying rocks and daggers. In fact only one vampire managed to strike him more than once with his missiles, and that was his mentor, Seba Nile, who struck him four times, once with a rock, the other three times with knives, two of which buried deep in the young vampire's flesh and left him with scars for life. The famed quarter master of Vampire Mountain could never be accused of going easy on his students!
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  • / Lady of the Shades - holograms
  • 31 January 2017
    The original draft of Lady of the Shades was nearly a third as long as the finished book. In it, I wrote a lot more about the book that Ed was working on, and linked it in more closely to the story of the novel. Ultimately I decided to cut out a lot of that material, as it was slowing things down and might have confused many readers -- the scenes were important for me, in understanding Joe's mind, but they weren't important to the main story. One of the ideas I played around with was the possibility that our universe might be one giant, complicated hologram. It was an idea that scientists had started talking about in the 1990s (when I began the book) and it has recently hit the news again, as a new generation of scientists are starting to suggest that the theory might have legs. Whether it does or not remains to be seen, but here's a chapter that I cut out of Lady which covers some of my discarded ideas and explains why ghosts might be a reality in a universe of holograms. (It also includes colons and semi-colons, which I've eliminated from my writing style over the years -- but here's proof that I used to write the "right" way.)

    ******

    We visit lots of psychics and mediums, sit in on several seances, but nothing grabs my interest until we meet Pierre Vallance, a Belgian scientist who believes ghosts are the result of electromagnetic wave interference. He thinks certain people possess a strong inner electrical charge, which they can use to distort electromagnetic fields, thus distorting other people’s view of reality, resulting in “ghosts” and other hallucinatory phenomena. Microwave transmitters, power lines, etc. can also distort the fields of reality, which is how Vallance explains mankind’s recent obsessive accounts of aliens: he says our brains have been warped by the waves of technological advance, resulting in outlandish mass delusions.
    I’m terribly excited following our conversation with Vallance, and once we’ve retired to a quiet traditional pub for toasted sandwiches and drinks, I try explaining my excitement to Joe.
    “I’m working from the basis that reality consists of a series of decoded hologrammatic waves,” I announce.
    “That clears that up,” Joe laughs.
    Leaning forward, I search for terms he can comprehend. This is a good exercise: I write books which can be read and understood by the general public, but some of the ideas and theories I’m dealing with this time round will be hard to put into simple words. Joe can serve as my guinea pig.
    “You know that matter isn’t solid, right? This table -” I bang it softly -“looks like one big piece of wood, but it’s a collection of billions of atoms which are constantly bouncing off one another.”
    “Everything’s made up of invisible atoms,” Joe nods. “Sure. I went to school. I studied the basics of science.”
    “So reality is an appearance. It’s what we see, not what is.” Joe frowns uncertainly. “I mean, to us this table is one solid object and to everyone else in the world it’s one solid object, therefore it is one solid object, right?”
    “Right.”
    “Wrong. That’s just the way we perceive it. Our five senses define reality, what we see, touch, hear and so on. But those senses are limited. A microscopse reveals far more than our eyes ever can. Many members of the animal kingdom have superior senses of taste, hearing, touch. We simplify the world. We impose our views of reality onto it, accepting everyday life at face value.”
    “Right,” Joe says again, contemplatively this time. “You’re talking about worlds within a world.”
    “Precisely. And a theory currently doing the rounds is that one of those worlds - perhaps the most real of the realities - is hologrammatically generated.”
    “What do holograms have to do with reality? They’re just fancy three-dimensional pictures, aren’t they?”
    “Ever watch Star Trek?”
    “Sure!” he beams. “I’m no Trekkie, but I’ve seen most of the shows and all the films.”
    “You know about the holodecks?”
    “Who doesn’t?”
    “My theory works along the same lines. In the Star Trek universe it’s possible to generate three-dimensional holograms which look and sound and feel real. The illusion of reality is perfect on the holodecks and someone who didn’t know better, who wound up there by accident, wouldn’t suspect that the world they were experiencing wasn’t real.”
    “Yeah,” Joe nods. “They did several episodes about that. In one of them they used the holodeck to transport people from one world to another, giving them the impression that they’d never left home.”
    “That’s pretty much where I’m coming from. I’m going to be arguing in my book that this world is one giant holodeck which -”
    “Whoah!” Joe interrupts quickly. “You’re saying we’re not real, that we’re part of some computer programme?”
    “No. My theory - the theory I’ve borrowed - is that atoms operate on hologrammatical wavelengths. Reality is nothing more than a series of decoded signals, which can be altered by electromagnetically juggling the atomical frequencies. The brain acts as a decoder and a selector -- in essence, a creator.”
    “You’ve lost me,” Joe says.
    Pressing my palms down flat on the table, I try making it clear.
    “This table’s a mass of specifically modulated atoms, right?”
    “I’m with you so far.”
    “If we take reality at face value, this table can never be anything other than a table. The atoms are arranged in such a way that its appearance reflects its true state of being. To everybody in the world, it looks the same.”
    Joe nods understandingly.
    “But what if reality is subjective? What if objects are holograms? What if our brains are decoders?”
    Joe strokes his moustache thoughtfully.
    “The atoms of this table emit signals,” I press on. “Hologrammatic signals. Our brains receive and decode them, so if we touch the table it feels like a table; if we bend down and sniff, it smells like an old pub table; to all extents and purposes, it is a table.” I tap Joe’s head with my right index finger. “But what if someone was able to get inside your head and scramble your decoder? What if your brain could be programmed to decode the signals in a different way, so that to you this table looks, smells and feels like a pig?”
    Joe thinks about it. “But it wouldn’t be a pig. It’d be a table.”
    “You wouldn’t think so.”
    “Everyone else would.”
    “Not if their brains had been scrambled too.”
    “Takes a lot to scramble six billion odd brains,” Joe notes.
    “Quite,” I agree. “So why not scramble the object instead? What if some brains act not just as decoders but encryptors? What if you had the ability to stare at this table and rearrange its molecules, giving it the appearance, the feel, the vitality of a pig?”
    “That’s impossible,” Joe snorts.
    “Perhaps. But let’s say some people have the ability, realized or not, to change the face of the world.” I sit back and slowly twirl my glass on the table. “Death is physical. It’s the end of what we think of as reality. But these people, when they die ... What if they could see past the constrains of the physical? They could cheat death. They could recreate partial hologrammatical echoes of themselves and come back.”
    Joe’s eyes widen. “Ghosts,” he sighs.
    I stop twirling my glass, raise it in salute and wink. “Cheers.”
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  • / SHORT STORIES - SHANTA CLAUS
  • 15 December 2015
    DARREN SHAN IS PROUD TO PRESENT, THIS CHRISTMAS, FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT, THE ONE AND ONLY SHANTA CLAUS IN A STIRRING GHOULTIDE TALE ...

    "MERRY BLOODY CHRISTMAS!!!"

    [this seasonal, light-hearted, not-to-be-taken-too-seriously story is set during and after the events described in Tunnels Of Blood, but also includes brushes with characters from my other major series -- The Demonata, Zom-B, Archibald Lox as well as a few of my one-off books...]


    "Move your backside, you hairy slacker!" Mrs Claus snapped, giving her husband a sharp dig in the ribs. "It's Christmas Eve!"

    "Already?" Shanta groaned. "It barely seems like five minutes since I laid my head down." It was Shanta's custom, once he finished delivering toys to all the girls and boys of the world each Christmas, to hit the sack and stay in bed until the next December 24th rolled round. He had a smart TV in the right-hand corner of his gigantic bed -- on which he could monitor the behaviour of every child, as well as stream shows such as the bone-chilling The Last of Us -- and an in-built bidet-toilet in the left. As far as Shanta was concerned, those were all the mod cons anyone needed. If you had those premier pieces of kit installed in your bed, why bother leaving it?!?

    "Get moving, tubby!" Mrs Claus growled, poking him again with a thick finger. "The elves have finished packing all the toys. The reindeer are fed and ready for action -- it's foggy out, so Rudolph's leading again this year. The clock's ticking, so get your huge, hairy, pimply..."

    "OK!" Shanta barked before she finished the insult. He swung his legs out (he didn't take his boots or suit off in bed) and yawned.

    "And don't forget your face mask," Mrs Claus said.

    "Face mask?" Shanta blinked.

    "You'll be slipping backwards and forwards through time," she said. "Best to have one on you, in case you pop up in 2020 or 2021."

    Shanta shivered. "They were horrible years, weren't they?"

    "They certainly weren't a bundle of laughs for anyone," Mrs Claus agreed, "except for the wealthy friends of certain politicians, who made plenty of hay while a sinister sun shined. Anyway, don't forget that mask."

    "Bloody masks," Shanta sniffed. Then he tried his most winning smile on her. "Couldn't you do it this year?" he asked, more in vain hope than any real expectation.

    "I will if you're too tired, darling," Mrs Claus cooed sweetly, causing her bearded better half to blink with a mixture of surprise and suspicion. "Of course," she said, her voice hardening, "you'll have to handle the cooking and cleaning for the next twelve months -- those elves don't feed themselves -- and you'll also have to shovel the snow off the front porch every morning..."

    "Bloody elves!" Shanta grumbled. "Bloody North Pole! Bloody Christmas!" He paused, sniffed the air -- there was a strong, unpleasant stench -- then had a quick look under the covers, at the corner where the toilet was situated. "Bloody cowboy plumbers!"

    * * * * *

    Shanta felt better once he was off the ground, flying high above the earth in his sleigh, the wind gusting through his thick white hair and beard (though it wasn't much fun when one of the reindeer broke wind of its own!). He moaned about Christmas a lot, but he loved it really. The joy of giving presents, the wonder of seeing innocent children's faces as they slumbered, the countless free glasses of whiskey and slices of cake -- a truly special time!

    After a few warm-up circuits of the globe, he got down to the job of delivering the presents, which bulged out of a sack at the rear of the sleigh. (It was a magical sack, far bigger on the inside than on the outside. He'd got the idea watching an episode of "Doctor Who"). A tablet was attached to the dashboard, on which his famous list was displayed. That was Mrs Claus's idea, and though Shanta had resisted to begin with, he was glad of it now. He could surf the internet as he worked, and even play video games -- his current favourite was "Baldur's Gate 3."

    The list was arranged regionally and alphabetically. There was a smiley face icon beside the names of good boys and girls, which he clicked on to find out what toys they'd asked for, and a dark cloud icon beside the names of those who'd been bad. The bold children got no toys -- instead, when he landed on their roof, Shanta sent a reindeer down the chimney, and the animal left soft, moist droppings all over the sleeping brat.

    Time wasn't the same for Shanta as it was for humans -- for every second which passed in the real world, he experienced ten minutes. So a minute of human time equaled ten hours Shanta time, and an hour of human time was six hundred hours (the same as twenty-five days) in Shanta's realm. This was how he was able to cover the entire world in the space of one night. There was no truth to the rumour that Shanta was able to move at the speed of light -- in fact, he and the reindeer rarely went faster than thirty miles an hour.

    * * * * *

    After a couple of billion homes -- and several million glasses of whiskey -- a rather unsteady Shanta landed on the roof of a house and paused nervously, studying his computer screen. The boy who lived here was called Steve Leonard, but most people knew him as Steve Leopard. Although he was by no stretch of the imagination a nice, pleasant child, he hadn't broken any rules this year, and so was due a present. Shanta would rather have flown on without stopping, but the law was the law. So, with a heavy sigh, he took the requested present out of his sack and slid down the chimney.

    "About time," someone said as Shanta wriggled out of the fire grate.

    Shanta whirled around defensively, then relaxed when he saw Steve Leopard sitting in a chair, face as grim as ever. "You're not supposed to see me!" Shanta complained. "Why aren't you in bed asleep?"

    "I sleep during the day," Steve said. "You know that, otherwise you'd have waited another few hours until I'd dropped off."

    Shanta sighed glumly. That was one of the rules -- he had to deliver during the darkness, not by day, so if people stayed up all night, there was a good chance they'd spot him. "Do you want your present now, or will I stick it under the tree?" Shanta asked grumpily. He hated being seen. It fed the rumours that he was real. Shanta's greatest wish was that all the children of the world would stop believing in him. Then he could retire and spend ALL his time watching TV shows.

    "Give it to me now," Steve said, rising. He smiled when Shanta passed over the package, but it was a nasty smile, and Shanta shivered when he saw it. Without any hesitation, Steve ripped open the parcel and held up the items within -- a book entitled "Vampires, And How To Hunt Them -- The 32nd Edition." Another book entitled "The Cardinal's Guide To Crushing Your Enemies And Taking Over The World." And last but not least, a small but heavy hammer, and a set of six steel-tipped stakes. "Exxxxxxcellent!" Steve purred, laying the book on the shelf over his chair (knocking the 30th edition out of the way), then slowly stroking the tips of the sharp stakes.

    "Careful," Shanta warned him. "You could cut yourself."

    "Not me," Steve replied in a low, creepy voice. "I've got nothing to fear from stakes -- though I know a pair who do..."

    Shanta cleared his throat uneasily. "I suppose I'd best be off then. Um. Would you like a nice computer game next year, instead of --"

    "No!" Steve cut in. "I want the 33rd edition of the hunter's guide, the latest Edward Sieveking book -- I don't read much fiction, but I've heard he's worth a look -- plus a new hammer and more stakes. Lots of stakes!"

    "Very well," Shanta shrugged. "Though it all seems rather morbid to me..."

    He slipped back up the chimney, leaving the cold, scary boy alone in the room with his guide, hammer, stakes... and dark, dreadful dreams of warped revenge.

    * * * * *

    From Steve Leonard's, it was a short hop and a skip to the homes of Tommy Jones and Alan Morris. They used to be close friends with Steve once, but they didn't see much of him these days. Shanta was glad of that -- he had a feeling that young master Leopard might be a bad influence on anyone foolish enough to hang out with him.

    Tommy had asked for the usual -- football gloves, a ball, a tracksuit, and the latest football game for his computer -- but Alan had put in an odd request. Normally he wanted toys, CDs, games and so on. But this year he'd asked for a science kit. Shanta had always thought the Morris boy was a bit of a simpleton, so he was surprised but pleased to see this new interest in matters scientific. Maybe there was hope for the youngster yet!

    As Shanta was fetching the kit out of his bag, he noticed something strange. There was a magazine attached to it by a bit of tape. It was a science journal, full of terms that made Shanta's head spin. Flicking through the journal, Shanta came to a page that had been turned down. Reading the first paragraph, he realised it was an article about cloning.

    "What a curious thing to ask for," he muttered. He thought about heading back to his sleigh to double-check his list -- Shanta hated it when he made a mistake -- but as he was considering that, a voice slithered through his head like a snake.

    "Just leave the magazine where it is, you bulbous, stupid clown," the voice hissed. Shanta blinked, rooted to the spot by shock.

    "I kn-know that vuh-vuh-vuh-voice," Shanta stuttered. "But from where...?"

    "You left a watch for me once, many years ago," the voice chuckled. "It was heart-shaped."

    Shanta's eyes widened and he reached for the journal, intent on ripping it to shreds, certain that no present from this particular meddler could bring any good into young Alan's life. But as his fingers closed on the glossy paper, the voice in his head breathed softly, eliminating all memories of the conversation, along with Shanta's fears and doubts.

    Shanta stood there a moment longer, trying to remember what had seemed so important to him a few seconds ago. When nothing came to mind, he shrugged, smoothed down the pages of the science journal, then slipped back up the chimney. As he took up the reins again, he shivered involuntarily, as if someone had just walked across his grave. Someone in large, yellow wellington boots...

    * * * * *

    Next on Shanta's route was the Shan household, where young Annie Shan was tucked up in bed, snoring like a bear. Shanta smiled sadly as he gazed down upon Annie and the doll she was sleeping with -- a dark-haired, brown-eyed doll, who looked like her "lost" brother Darren. (Annie and her parents believed Darren was dead, though Shanta knew better.)

    "I wish I could tell you the truth," Shanta sighed, resting his palm against the poor girl's warm cheek. "But I'm not allowed to interfere in matters such as this." Sighing again, he left her present -- another doll, and this one looked even more like the brother she loved and missed -- in the sock at the foot of her bed, then turned to leave.

    Out of the corner of an eye, he spotted movement near the curtains, paused, then stooped and snatched up a large, harmless spider. "You'll have to come with me, little lady," Shanta said, pocketing the spider until they got outside, where he planned to release it. "Annie's not fond of spiders -- she'd squish you flat and scream for an hour if she woke up and saw you. It's all to do with her brother..."

    * * * * *

    Shanta had to pay a call to another gloomy household a couple of hours later -- where the Grest children lived. It used to be a happy, vibrant home, until one of the kids (bright, loquacious Sam) ran foul of a rampaging Wolf Man. The family was starting to pull itself back together, but it wasn't easy.

    The previous Christmas, the children had asked for the usual mix of toys, dolls and games -- which Shanta duly delivered -- but this year they'd clubbed together and asked for one big present between them. It was the sort of crazy request Shanta normally ignored, but because he felt sorry for the family, he decided to make an exception.

    "Come on," he said, reaching into his sack. "Out with you." He produced a small, furry, confused animal, one of the North Pole's natural inhabitants -- a polar bear cub. The Grest children had loads of pets -- dogs, cats, goldfish, a goat and more -- but they'd always wished for something extra special, something they couldn't find anywhere else.

    Shanta's elves had spent many months working undercover among polar bears, picking the right cub -- they wanted one which wouldn't grow too large, or develop a mean temper -- and finally they'd located an orphan which fit the bill perfectly. "Be good," Shanta whispered, laying the bear down by the tree in the living room. "Don't make a mess on the carpet." The bear looked up at the red-cloaked, bearded man, and whined happily.

    "Oh!" Shanta said, stopping. "I almost forgot..." Returning to the bear, he stuck a small badge on its chest. In the center of the badge, in large red letters, were the words which Shanta hoped would bring a long-lasting smile to the Grest children's faces. "Take good care of the cub. His name is SAM."

    * * * * *

    As Shanta was flying to his next stop some hours later, a window of pale blue light suddenly appeared in the air ahead of him. He spotted the danger and tried to steer the reindeer around it, but it was too late. Rudolph hit the window of light and vanished, dragging the rest of the reindeer, the sleigh and Shanta through to a universe of demonic horrors. (After first finding themselves in An Other Place, where Santa almost winded up being elected to the position of Alchemist... but we won't talk about that here, as it might warp young, impressionable minds!)

    Shanta found himself high above a castle made of cobwebs. Outside, in a large throne woven from webs, the master of the realm waited with two of his familiars. Shanta would have gladly reversed back through the window, but he was powerless here. If he angered the master, it would bode badly for Shanta and his team.

    Shanta set down on the ground -- which was made up of lots of strands of webs -- close to the throne. The demon master rose imperiously and hovered in the air. He had pale red skin, dark red eyes, eight arms, no legs, and a hole where his heart should be. The hole was filled with dozens of tiny, writhing, hissing snakes.

    "I am Lord Loss," the demon said.

    "I know," Shanta replied.

    Lord Loss frowned. "How?"

    "I brought you small animals to torture when you were a baby," Shanta reminded him.

    "Ah. That was you. I always wondered." Lord Loss' features darkened. "They were not real animals. They were only very clever toys."

    "Of course," Shanta said. "Only a monster would let a demon kill real animals. You should be thankful I gave you anything at all. Most demons get nothing -- which is what they deserve."

    "Why did you make an exception in my case?" Lord Loss asked.

    "You're rather an exceptional demon," Shanta grinned, then reached into his sack and withdrew two presents.

    "Here," Shanta said to a green-skinned, baby-shaped demon with fire instead of eyes and two small mouths in the palms of its hands. The demon known as Artery ripped the parcel open. Inside was a nappy. Artery gurgled happily and quickly put it on, then let rip with a shockingly loud fart. Fire burst from his bottom and burnt through the nappy, but it quickly reformed around his fiery cheeks. "That's good for at least a hundred blasts," Shanta assured him.

    "And for you," Shanta said, handing the other package to a dog-shaped demon with a crocodile's head and a woman's hands. She was called Vein. She tore the gift open with her fangs to reveal a heavy-duty brush for her fur, some waxy gel to keep her snout gleaming, and fingernail polish. Vein barked happily, then sat on her haunches and stared at the presents, trying to decide which she should test first.

    "Very clever," Lord Loss said. "But you will not placate me so easily."

    "Don't be too sure of that," Shanta grinned, then produced a Blu-Ray of all the episodes in the Queen's Gambit TV series. "This should suit you down to a tee, " Shanta smirked.

    "I have already seen them," Lord Loss sniffed. "In fact, I was one of their technical consultants for the chess scenes. Did you know that, superb as she was, Anya Taylor-Joy was only fourth choice for the main role?"

    "That does surprise me," Shanta said. "What happened to the other actresses? Did they not want to do it?"

    "Oh, they definitely wanted to be in the show," Lord Loss said. "But to get the part, the actress had to beat me in a game of chess first. Those three lost."

    Shanta's face fell. "Did you...?"

    He couldn't complete the sentence. In reply, Lord Loss smiled and said, "All I'll say on the matter is that their agents will be crying all through Christmas."

    Shanta gulped, then riffled through his sack. "OK, then, how about... this?" He dug out a large, colourful, multi-faced object and tossed it to Lord Loss. The demon master caught the gift and studied it dubiously.

    "What is it?" Lord Loss asked.

    "A specially designed Rubiks Cube," Shanta said proudly. "The only one ever built for a creature with eight arms. It will distract you for many hours. You might even find it more fun than a game of chess."

    "I doubt that," Lord Loss sniffed, "but I look forward to testing it."

    "Well, merry Christmas," Shanta said and mounted his sleigh again.

    "Where do you think you're going?" Lord Loss asked quietly.

    "I still have lots of toys to deliver," Shanta said. "Millions of boys and girls are waiting for me."

    "Yes," Lord Loss sneered. "How sad they would be if you failed to visit them. I love disappointment. The thought of millions of wailing children appeals to me immensely."

    "There'll be trouble if you try to keep me," Shanta said, trying not to show how scared he was.

    "Who could trouble me here?" Lord Loss smirked.

    Shanta was going to say Mrs Claus, but he realised how stupid that would sound. Instead he decided to try another approach. "If you stop me from leaving, I can never return, and that will mean no more surprise presents for you."

    "Do I look like I care about presents?" Lord Loss laughed.

    "You should," Shanta said slyly. "I have the most fabulous chess sets in the world tucked away in a corner of my home in the North Pole."

    "Chess sets?" Lord Loss barked. "I have loads already."

    "But none as exquisite as mine," Shanta insisted. "I have the most beautiful, remarkable, outstanding sets ever created. I've been keeping them back for a special occasion... for a special child ..."

    Lord Loss scowled. "How do I know you will return?"

    "I give you my word," Shanta said. "I will come back every year and bring a new, amazing set each time. But only..." He was going to say, "only if you're good." But that would be a pointless thing to say to a demon, so he stopped.

    Lord Loss thought about it for a minute, then pulled a face. "Very well. You may leave. But if the chess sets are not as awe-inspiring as you claim, you will be doing lots of shouting and crying this time next year!"

    Shanta gulped, smiled weakly, then shot from the ground and through the window faster than he'd ever flown in his life. There was nothing like a threat from demon master to add a little speed to your sleigh!

    * * * * *

    Shanta thought he would return straight to Earth, but he hit some sort of a glitch going through the window, and instead found himself on the world of Makhras, in the city of Wadi, in a country called Abu Aineh. The Um Aineh were a powerful, cruel people. They had conquered most of the bordering countries and mastered the seas, allowing them to wage war in far-away lands too. They kept slaves and punished any criminal act by cutting off the offender's head. If you spat at the feet of the wrong person in Abu Aineh, you would swiftly find yourself on the executioner's block.

    Shanta had no wish to spend much time in such a harsh, unforgiving place, but the window would remain open for a few more minutes, so he figured he might as well drop off some presents while he was here. Swooping down upon the city, he first visited the palace of the High Lord and left a lovely necklace for Wadi Alg's recently born daughter, Debbat Alg. Shanta could tell, just by looking at her, that she was going to be a great beauty when she grew up. Boys would swoon when they saw her, and go to great lengths to try and win her hand. He hoped that wouldn't go to her head and turn her into a spoilt, selfish brat.

    Next he slipped into the house of a family of servants. They also had a newborn girl, Bastina -- though almost all of them referred to her as Bas. She was a snivelling, weepy baby, so Shanta left her a packet of tissues -- he figured she would get good use out of them when she was older!

    Finally Shanta let himself into the house of the city's famous executioner, Rashed Rum. Executioners were like pop stars in this world, and Rashed Rum was the Adele or Ed Sheeran of Makhras, the best and most popular at what he did. Rashed's wife had recently given birth to a boy called Jebel. She had died during childbirth, which was a shame, but in this city that was seen as a sign that the infant would become a fierce warrior, so Rashed had accepted his loss with good grace.

    In truth, the baby boy didn't look as if he would grow up to be a powerful fighter. He was small, thin and scrawny. Shanta felt that the boy might struggle to live up to the high expectations for him. To try and help out Jebel, Shanta decided to break with habit and give the boy a toy which would encourage him to explore his darker, more vicious side. "Horses for courses," and all that! So, with a sigh, he felt around inside his bag and pressed a tiny axe into the baby's hands. As the youthful Jebel stared at the blade and the way light glinted off of it, Shanta bid him luck and returned to his sleigh.

    "I must swing by here again one day, when the boy is older," Shanta muttered to himself as he headed back for the window of light and a welcome return to planet Earth. "I'm curious to see what becomes of Jebel Rum. Perhaps he can be Wadi's first ever Thin Executioner..."

    * * * * *

    There was another glitch when Shanta returned through the window (he had a feeling that the unusual number of glitches were a result of all the time-meddling that a super-computer called Father was doing in the far future), and as Mrs Claus had predicted (it wouldn't surprise him if it turned out that she'd somehow conspired with the futuristic Father and his teams of Fixers to set this up), he wound up in one of the most dreaded of years, 2021, when the world had been forced to endure another subdued, socially distanced Christmas. The streets were nowhere near as busy as they normally were, people mixing as little as possible, except with their nearest and dearest loved ones.

    Shanta didn't want to spend too much time here -- he could imagine the headline if anything went wrong and he passed on Covid-19 to anyone -- "Super Spreader Shanta!!" -- but since he had a little time to kill, he pulled on his mask (Shanta took a VERY dim view of anyone who refused to wear a mask when out and about) and swung by the resting place of a boy known as Archibald Lox. Archie had recently returned from another incredible adventure in a sphere known as the Merge, where he'd gotten mixed up in a couple of royal kidnappings. Shanta had visited the Merge many times in the past, and had nipped back earlier in the year (he'd slipped away without telling Mrs Claus), for his first trip in five hundred years. The locals played a sport called grop, and teams from every realm used to regularly compete in a competition called the Tourney, where the best players would pit themselves against one another, roared on by tens of thousands of fans. Shanta had been a Tourney addict back in the day, but when they'd stopped hosting them, he'd stopped nipping across. But when word reached him that it had been revived this year, he'd made a beeline for the realm of Topaz, and taken in as many games as he could -- he'd taken in as many hotcats as he could too! A Tourney was always worth crossing universes for, and this one had been one of the best -- the final had been an incredible, thrilling affair.

    Archie was snoozing when Shanta swung by, even though it wasn't especially late. Archie hadn't asked for anything -- he was a bit old for that, and it had been quite a long time since he'd last written a letter to Shanta -- but Shanta was in a giving mood. He adjusted his face mask before exiting the sleigh, to make sure it was correctly in place -- the mask was red, of course, with the words "Have you seen YOUR Mommy kissing me?!?" -- then let himself into Archie's chamber and set a large, locked box on the floor. The lock would take an hour or two to open, and when Archie lifted the lid, he'd find another locked box inside... and another... and another. In fact there were enough boxes to last him until next Christmas, unless he got bored of them first. But Shanta had yet to meet a Lox who ever tired of locks.

    In the very last box, Archie would find a book about cenotes, which were Mexican sink holes. The book would confuse him, and Shanta was confused as well, but he had a feeling that Archie might find himself checking out a very dangerous cenote in 2022, and a little knowledge of them might come in very useful. Indeed, his life might depend on it...

    As Shanta climbed into his sled, Big Ben struck the hour and he jumped -- it was so noisy! He checked the time, waved to the famous clock tower, then took to the sky and headed back to the window.

    * * * * *

    There was yet another glitch (it MUST be Father!!) when Shanta returned through the window, and instead of winding up on Earth in his own time, he found himself a few years even further ahead of 2021, in a most monstrous near-future world. The planet had been over-run by zombies. Shanta found himself in an underground complex, where the living dead were running wild. They had already killed many soldiers and scientists, and when they spotted Shanta and his reindeer, they thought dessert had been served up, and they surged forward in a terrifying undead wave.

    "Bloody zombies!" Shanta growled, whipping out a crossbow that he kept under the hood of the sleigh for emergencies.

    As the first of the zombies reached out to rip into Rudolph's brain, Shanta fired an arrow through the centre of the undead beast's head, and it collapsed in a heap.

    "Come on, you animals!" Shanta roared. "Who's next?!? I'll take on the lot of you! You think you're tough? Hah! I've faced down Mrs Claus when she's in a bad mood -- and I mean a REALLY bad mood -- and she's way tougher than you brain-munching creeps!"

    Shanta kept firing as the zombies kept coming. He was quite enjoying this. While he was a peaceful man, who liked nothing better than lying in bed for 364 days of the year, it was good to flex the old muscles every now and then and re-connect with his fighting spirit. Also, the world was always better off with a few less zombies.

    As Shanta was dispatching a few more of the undead, he spotted a teenager with a closely shaven head, stumbling along a corridor with a pack of other teens. The teenagers were zombies, but not like any zombie Shanta had ever seen before. He stared at them, trying to figure out what was different about them, then decided that he would be better off not knowing. Putting his crossbow away, he clicked his tongue at the reindeer and they wheeled around swiftly and zipped back through the window before any of the teenagers could notice their bearded, red-suited visitor.

    Just before Shanta disappeared, he reached into his sack and scattered some brains around the floor, for the hungry zombies to feast on. He knew that he shouldn't really be encouraging them, but he couldn't help himself. He was such an old softy!

    * * * * *

    This time the window sent him back a year, so Shanta decided to pay a visit to B Smith's house. B was the teenager with the shaven hair who he had spotted in the future world. B was sleeping uneasily, tossing and turning. Shanta guessed that B was having a nightmare. Curious, wondering if B was perhaps having a premonition of what was going to happen in the future, he used his powers to slip inside the shaven-headed rebel's mind. What he found was a monstrous scene where B was being attacked by killer babies on a plane. Shanta broke contact immediately, shook his head and shuddered.

    "That was too scary for me," he grunted. "Babies give me the shivers! The worse one of all was that baby called Gaia, in Limerick. I'll never forget her and those jaws of death and destruction. I was lucky to get out of her house with all my fingers intact!"

    B had asked for nothing for Christmas, but Shanta felt it would be poor form not to leave a present behind, especially as B was going to suffer so much loss and heartache in the near future, so he reached for the stocking hanging crookedly across the foot of B's bed. To his surprise, he found a small note inside. Unfolding it, he read with astonishment -- "Get the hell out of my room, fat man, before I break both your knees with the hammer I keep tucked under my pillow!"

    Shanta's features darkened. He stared at B's pillow, wondering if the bit about the hammer was an idle threat. In the end he decided not to chance it. Replacing the stocking, he let himself out, leaving the stocking empty except for a slight sweaty smell, which was exactly the way B liked it.

    * * * * *

    Shanta went through the window yet again, which vanished behind him, and to his relief he wound up in his own time. He thought he was finished with glitches for the night -- it was rare for him to run into so many obstacles, and surely even Father and his Fixers had their limits -- but one more lay in store for the merry old toy-maker, and this one was in many ways the glitchiest glitch of them all. As he was crossing above the small village of Pallaskenry in the southwest of Ireland, the stars started to spin. He drew to a startled halt and stared -- he'd never seen anything like this before. As he watched, the stars gathered together to form a funnel -- in effect becoming a stellar tornado -- which whipped snakelike through the sky. Before Shanta could even try to dodge the celestial storm, he was caught up in it and torn free of his sleigh. He hollered and yelped as he spun round and round. He was certain that this was the end, and he wept a few tears for the boys and girls that he would be unable to get to, imagining their distraught faces when they woke in the morning to find... nothing.

    But then the spinning stopped and he found himself sitting on a chair in an office. He wasn't alone. A man sat at a computer, typing swiftly. His hair had once been dark, but had now mostly turned to grey, and it looked like he had started in early on the mince pies this year. A bewildered Shanta watched him type for several silent minutes, before the man paused and turned to behold his red-garbed visitor.

    "I know this is strange for you," the man said, "but you have nothing to fear. I've smashed the fourth wall and brought you through, as I do most years (not that you'll recall, as I blank your memory of our meeting each time), but I'll return you to your story and restore the wall when you go."

    "Fourth wall?" Shanta blinked. "Story?"

    "I'm all about stories," the man smiled. "In truth, I think there's a strong likelihood that everything's a story, and we just don't realise we're characters in someone else's tale."

    Shanta gawped. The man sighed, turned to the keyboard and typed some new lines. As he was doing that, Shanta's head cleared, as understanding of the situation was instantly introduced to his brain cells.

    "Darren Shan!" he gasped. "Not the character, but..."

    "...the author," Darren Shan nodded, facing his guest again. "It gets a bit confusing sometimes -- that's the problem with naming a character after yourself -- but life's more amusing when sprinkled with a little confusion, don't you agree?"

    Shanta grunted. "It was nice to see you publish a new Darren Dash book this year."

    "Father of the Future," Darren smirked. "That's why you've been referring to him throughout your journeys tonight. I'm never one to pass up an opportunity for a bit of free publicity!"

    "It all makes sense now," Shanta muttered. "So, what will you be treating us to next?"

    "Haven't you heard about The Terrified Troll?" Darren asked. "My first ever picture books, for younger readers."

    "Oh, that's right," Shanta said, clicking his fingers. "The fundraiser for it is still active. I ordered a poem, and Mrs Claus wanted to meet you in London or Limerick, to hang out for a couple of hours, but I put my foot down -- I've never trusted authors..."

    "We're not the most reliable of people," Darren chuckled. "But if you change your mind, I'd love to buy her a drink and have a chat about life at the North Pole. You can check out the fundraiser, which will remain live until early January, by doing an online search for INDIEGOGO TERRIFIED TROLL DARREN SHAN."

    "And after you've published the picture book? Or maybe even before it comes out?" Shanta pressed. "Anything else lined up?"

    "I'm not sure," Darren frowned. "I had a house fire last year -- I told you all about it on your previous visit -- and I still haven't moved back into my home, so I haven't been focusing on work as much as I should. I might release another Darren Dash book for adults in 2024. Or maybe even a Darren Shan YA book -- there are a couple I wrote many years ago, awaiting rewrites and edits, and I've been thinking it might be a good time to revisit one of those. But... we'll see."

    "I'll keep my fingers crossed," Shanta grinned. "And tell me, is there anything happening on the TV or movie front? I know there was a team working on adapting Zom-B into a TV show, but that it fell through and didn't lead to anything..."

    "Um..." Darren said, and Shanta's ears perked up.

    "You announced it yourself through your social media," Shanta said. "You didn't make a big hullabaloo, but you definitely said at some point that it was over and done with."

    "Well, I thought it WAS," Darren sighed. "They produced a script for a pilot -- I read it and really liked it -- but they didn't get any takers when they shopped it around to the TV people in the UK, so it looked like there was nowhere left to go with it. I'd written it off, until they emailed me late in 2022 to say they'd found an interested party in another part of the world, and that there might be hope for it yet."

    "America?" Shanta guessed, but Darren shook his head.

    "It's not an English-speaking country," he said.

    "Japan?" Shanta guessed again. "I know your books used to be very big over there."

    "Not Japan," Darren said, and raised a hand before Shanta could guess for a third time. "Trust me, if I gave you ten guesses, you still wouldn't get anywhere close to the answer. I don't want to say anymore about it, because it may well end in disappointment again, but there IS a sliver of hope, things ARE back on the table, and perhaps it WILL get adapted, just not in a country or language that any of us anticipated when the books first saw print."

    "I suppose foreign language adaptations are no barrier to global success these days," Shanta mused. "Just look at how popular Money Heist and Squid Games proved to be."

    "Precisely," Darren beamed. "It's a changed world, and I've always been a writer who's happy to roll with the changes."

    "I'll be keeping a close eye on your monthly online newsletter," Shanta said. "You still publish the Shanville Monthly at the start of every month, don't you?"

    "I certainly do," Darren smiled.

    "And that's where you drop all your big reveals?" Shanta checked.

    "Most of them," Darren nodded, "although sometimes I drop them elsewhere. For instance, last year I revealed here that Cirque Du Freak had been optioned again, this time by a team who are keen to turn it into a TV series."

    "Oh, that's right," Shanta purred. "I remember now. Have they got any further with that?"

    Darren shrugged. "They were looking to advance things earlier in the year, but the writers strike and actors strike threw a cog in the works and slowed everything down. They're still really keen on making it happen, and they've been talking of maybe taking the project to a famous actor to try to get him on board, before going to the production companies with the money to make something like this happen."

    "I'm intrigued," Shanta said. "I assume they'd be looking for an actor to play Mr Crepsley?"

    "That's the plan," Darren said.

    "If I was to guess a few names...?" He raised an eyebrow.

    "Guess away," Darren laughed, "but I'll confirm or deny nothing! There's not much point speculating at this early stage. The actor they have in mind may well not be interested, in which case they'll have to think again. What I will say is that their current choice isn't an obvious one, but I'll be very excited if he does get involved, as he's an actor I have a LOT of admiration for."

    "It sounds promising..." Shanta purred.

    Darren smiled again, then coughed. "Well, I'd better let you get back to your own zone. We both have work to be cracking on with, and time is ticking away from us -- we mustn't let things get down to the wire."

    "Thanks for the insider insights," Shanta said, and got to his feet as the ceiling of the office turned translucent and the stars above began to spin again. "Will I remember any of this?" he asked just before he was whisked away.

    "Probably better if you don't," Darren said gently, then waved farewell, heaved a sigh when the office was his alone again, and turned his attention back to his keyboard. "Right," he said softly. "How to get inside the mind of a pre-teen Troll...?"

    After a pause, Darren looked over his shoulder and winked at an audience that he could not see. "I slipped in a clue about that potential actor," he said. "Read back carefully through this section and see if YOU can spot it. I won't tell you you're right or wrong if you come to me with your guess, but if you ARE right, and he DOES come on board, you'll be able to crow about it for the rest of your life!!!!"

    * * * * *

    Back in his own reality, Shanta continued about his rounds. Countries and houses fell behind him like dominoes, and he drank a virtual lake of alcohol. Shanta didn't get drunk -- he could drain all the whiskey in the world and still remain sober -- though he became quite merry and started singing to the reindeer (rude versions of traditional Christmas songs, such as "Hark the Herald Angels Smell" and "Away in a Pigsty"), as he did most years. Those closest to the sleigh groaned, though Rudolph -- way out in front, where he could barely hear the songs -- smiled and concentrated on steering them safely through the fog, guided by his glowing red nose.

    Late in the night, with most of the world covered, Shanta came to a halt in a forest. The reindeer were hungry and needed to be fed. Passing out feeding-bags from his magical sack, he left them munching and went for a short stroll to stretch his chubby legs and water a few bushes. As he was turning to come back, he heard moaning sounds to his right. Curious, he tiptoed across to investigate, and discovered a large, bulky, bearded man sleeping rough under a bush (luckily it was one of the 'unwatered' bushes), shivering from the cold.

    While Shanta studied the man's face, trying to put a name to it, the man squeezed himself tightly and whimpered in his sleep, "My hands! My hands!"

    Shanta recognised the voice and knew now who this was. Though he couldn't recall the man's real name, as a kid he'd been called Reggie Veggie.

    "The poor guy looks like he's had a tough time," Shanta muttered (he never bothered to keep tabs on children once they grew up and stopped believing in him). "And he used to be such a nice child. Very polite and concerned for the environment."

    "My hands! My hands!" Reggie Veggie (RV, as he preferred to be called) moaned again.

    Shanta couldn't see RV's hands -- he had his arms tucked inside his coat -- but he guessed they must be blue from the cold. "I know," he beamed. "I'll leave a little present -- something to cheer him up when he wakes."

    Hurrying back to his sleigh, Shanta returned with a thick pair of gloves, which he laid in the snow by the sleeping man's head. He smiled as he stepped away, pleased to have performed a good deed. As he left the snoozing RV, he chuckled warmly and said, "I wish I could be here in the morning to see his face when he spots the gloves..."

    * * * * *

    Next stop, the Cirque Du Freak. Many of the performers and crew didn't celebrate Christmas -- their lives were full of wonder and magic every night of the year -- but some of the children had sent letters to Shanta. He parked his sleigh next to a large tent, grabbed several bags full of toys and books, and hurried around the vans, dropping off the presents. He ran into Mr Tall and Rhamus Twobellies outside one of the vans, and stopped to chat. Mr Tall was an old friend of his, but this was the first time he'd been introduced to Rhamus, and the large man was understandably curious and asked lots of questions about Shanta's job and powers. The pair had much in common, not least a love of mince pies and whiskey!

    Eventually, after a few drinks and some of the tastiest fish kebabs he'd ever eaten (prepared by Truska, the bearded lady), Shanta said his goodbyes and returned to his sleigh. Hopping onto his padded seat, he took hold of the reins and called out to Rudolph, "Come on then, Rudy, let's..."

    He stopped.

    The reindeer with the red nose was nowhere to be seen. "Rudolph?" Shanta shouted. "Where are you? Stop messing around! We have to..."

    He came to a sickening halt. In a tent behind the sleigh, he could hear loud, ripping, munching sounds. With a terrified premonition, Shanta lifted the flap of the tent and peered inside. Several small, grey-skinned, green-eyed people in blue robes and hoods stood within, gathered in a circle. In the centre of the circle were the tattered remains of a reindeer who'd been torn to blood-drenched pieces. As Shanta watched, aghast, one of the Little People -- this particular specimen walked with a pronounced limp -- picked up a huge red nose from among the scraps and popped it into his wide, sharp-toothed mouth.

    "Oh no!" Shanta groaned, letting the flap fall back into place. "Not again!"

    * * * * *

    Shanta was in a foul mood the rest of the night. What worried him even more than losing Rudolph was the reception he could expect back home when Mrs Claus found out. The Little People had eaten several of Shanta's reindeer over the years, and his wife always kicked him around the bed for a month when he came home without one of the magical flying creatures. He considered lying to her -- he could say Rudolph had been hit by a low-flying plane -- but she'd see through him and make life even more unbearable. Best to come clean, take his punishment like a man, and send the elves out to search for another red-nosed reindeer to take Rudy's place next year.

    The fat man in the sleigh worked slowly after losing Rudolph -- dragging the night out as long as he could, in no rush to face the wrathful Mrs Claus -- and dawn was only minutes away (as humans measured time) when he delivered his second-to-last load of the night, to the beautiful Debbie Hemlock, who had made a peculiar request this year. Apart from her usual gifts, she'd asked for a pirate's hat and sword.

    Shanta knew the pirate gear wasn't for Debbie, that she meant to give the hat and sword to somebody else. He also knew she wouldn't be seeing that friend in the morning -- or ever again, probably. He thought about taking the hat and sword with him, to pass on to the intended party, but in the end he decided to leave them, so that Debbie would have some small memento of the boy who meant so much to her.

    He stuck the felt hat and curved plastic sword on top of the other presents, under the tree in her bedroom (not as neatly decorated as it normally was, he noted critically), and left, in a hurry to beat the dawn and make his final visit of the long, tiring Eve.

    * * * * *

    Shanta found the trio in a hotel a few miles beyond the city where Debbie Hemlock lived. They'd booked into two separate rooms, but were gathered together in the larger room when Shanta arrived. The snake-boy was sitting on the bed, while the vampire attended to a large, nasty wound on his scaly right arm and shoulder. The half-vampire was watching.

    "I still say you shouldn't have involved them," Evra muttered, wincing as the vampire rubbed spit into the cut where some of his scales had been hacked off. "If the plan hadn't worked..."

    "It was a risk," Darren agreed, "but there was no other way to get you back alive. If we hadn't --"

    "Quiet!" Mr Crepsley snapped, head jerking towards the window, where Shanta was eavesdropping. "I heard a noise."

    "Nobody knows we're here!" Darren gasped, jumping to his feet, fear in his eyes. "Do they?"

    "It's OK," Shanta said, slipping through a tiny crack at the side of the window, materialising in front of them. "It's only me."

    "Oh," Mr Crepsley said, relaxing. "I have not seen you in quite some time -- fifty years or more, I think. How have you been?"

    "Not too bad," Shanta smiled.

    "Is that...?" Evra asked, his reptilian eyes widening.

    "Must be," Darren said. He looked up at the smiling man in the red suit (Shanta's clothes were the same colour as Mr Crepsley's, but there the similarity ended). "But what are you doing here?" Darren asked.

    "Delivering presents," Shanta grinned. "I know you didn't ask for anything, but after all the trouble you three have been through recently, I figured you deserved a treat. Here..." He handed Evra a tube of green ointment. "Rub that into your wound. It will take the worst of the pain away, and help you heal quicker."

    "Great!" Evra said, taking the top off the tube and applying the ointment immediately.

    "For you, Larten," Shanta said, passing a tube of sun-tan lotion to the bemused vampire.

    "I hardly think I will have much use for this," Mr Crepsley noted drily.

    "It might come in handy if you ever get caught in the sun," Shanta disagreed. "Hold onto it. There's no telling what the future might hold. You will need it in book 9!"

    "What do you mean?" Mr Crepsley frowned.

    "Never mind," Shanta grinned. "It's an in-joke."

    Shanta turned to face Darren and his smile softened. "You've been through a hard few years, eh, master Shan?"

    "I've known easier times," Darren admitted sadly.

    "There's not much I can do for you," Shanta said, "but this might bring some joy into your life, at least for a while." He gave Darren a Blu-Ray disc in an unmarked case.

    "Thanks," Darren said, examining the disc. "But I don't have a Blu-Ray player."

    "That's easily fixed," Shanta laughed, and produced a multi-region player and HDMI lead. "Hook it up to the TV, and off you go."

    "What's on it?" Darren asked.

    "You'll find out," Shanta winked, and without any farewells, he slipped away again and headed back for the North Pole, his beloved bed, a year of rest, the final episode of The Fall of the House of Usher... and the cutting tongue of the indomitable Mrs Claus.

    * * * * *

    "Stick it in," Evra urged Darren once the Blu-Ray player had been hooked up to the hotel TV.

    "Any idea what it is?" Darren asked Mr Crepsley.

    "No," Mr Crepsley said, "but knowing Kris Kringle as I do, I imagine it is something whimsical."

    It took Darren several seconds to load the disc into the machine and hit the PLAY button. When he did, a face burst into life on the TV screen and yelled, "Merry Christmas!" Darren recognised the face instantly -- it was his own.

    "What the...?" he began, then froze as the camera spun from his own face to three others which were just as familiar -- his Dad, Mum and younger sister Annie. "Merry Christmas!" they all roared, toasting the camera with full glasses of wine.

    "What is it?" Evra asked, as the people on the TV sung songs, cracked jokes and played games with each other.

    "The last Christmas I spent at home," Darren said hollowly, eyes glued to the screen. "Uncle Derek stayed with us that year and filmed us. I never saw the footage afterwards -- he was supposed to send us a copy, but Uncle Derek was never the most reliable sort..."

    The three of them watched the TV for a long while, as a younger, fresher, innocent Darren enjoyed a simple Christmas with his parents, sister, uncle and other family members. As the people on screen began opening their Christmas presents, the older, rougher, more worldly Darren's eyes welled up with tears.

    Mr Crepsley tapped Evra's uninjured shoulder and nodded towards the door. "I think Darren would rather watch the rest by himself," he said quietly, and the pair retired to the other bedroom as silently as they could, to sleep for the day.

    Darren didn't notice his friends leaving. He was lost in the world of the past and memories of more carefree days. He watched the disc to the very end, then immediately returned to the start. "Cheers, Shanta," he said softly, as the faces of those he loved panned into view again. He was crying, but they were warm, happy tears. "This is the best present ever." And then, settling back, keeping his finger close to the remote control, he spent the day re-living that simple, joyous, happy Christmas past.



    MERRY CHRISTMAS, SHANSTERS. STAY SAFE OVER THE YULETIDE, AND I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR AND A SHANTASTIC TIME IN 2024!

    DARREN.
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  • / SHORT STORIES - SHANTA CLAUS away
  • 14 November 2015
    Hey!!! Where's Shanta?!?

    He's gone to bed for another year!!! My "Shanta Claus" story is only put online here for a couple of weeks every year, shortly before and after Christmas. He will be making his next appearance in the latter half of December 2024, so call back then to check him out!!!
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  • / A Change Of Heart
  • 01 December 2012
    The Times Newspaper in the UK asked me to write a Halloween short story for them in 2012. The following story popped into my head, and it saw print just in time for the most grisly and gruesome of days!! Enjoy!!!!

    * * * * *

    Maurice Morris was too old to go trick-or-treating, but he didn’t care. He was at least a head taller than anyone else he had seen on the streets that night, but to Maurice that was an advantage, not something to be ashamed of.

    Whenever Maurice knocked on a door (he never rang doorbells, as he felt a solid, thumping knock was more menacing), he puffed himself up and waited with a wicked scowl. The reaction was always the same. The homeowner would open the door with a warm smile, expecting a cute child in fancy dress. Their smile quickly faded when they saw the broad, towering Maurice, dressed in dark jeans and a blood-red T-shirt with a flaming skull sprayed across it.

    “Trick-or-treat,” Maurice always growled, eyes narrowing dangerously.

    Taken by surprise, his targets usually gulped and meekly held out a box or jar full of sweets, though some offered fruit instead. Instead of taking his fair share, Maurice would grip the container and tip it into his large, black bin bag, emptying it of its contents. Then he would hand it back and glare again.

    “Any more?” Maurice would ask, making it sound more like a threat than a question.

    The person normally shook their head dumbly, leaving Maurice to grunt angrily and turn his back on them as if he had been insulted. Some did go back for more, but that had no bearing on Maurice’s response. In fact he acted even more insulted in those instances, relishing their confused and wounded expressions.

    Maurice had already filled two bin bags and dumped them back at his house, to sift through later. He would keep a few choice items and dump the rest. The size of his haul was of no interest to him. He just wanted to gather so much that there would be almost nothing left for anybody else.

    If Maurice came across other children out by themselves without a guardian, he mugged them and took their sweets. Those were the encounters he enjoyed most, especially if the victims burst into tears. Maurice loved it when he made someone cry.

    Late in the night, finding himself on the outskirts of town, Maurice headed for the forest. There were a few houses within walking distance and he figured he might as well give them a shot. Most trick-or-treaters never ventured this far out, but Maurice wasn’t afraid of the dark or scuttling noises in the trees. There was very little in life that scared Maurice Morris.

    Spotting a narrow, rarely used path, Maurice pushed through some thick bushes and headed deep into the forest. The moonlight didn’t penetrate the tree cover here, but Maurice only whistled merrily and trudged along, at ease in the gloom.

    After a ten minute stroll he came to a house. The trees grew in tightly around it, the tips of some of them brushing against the roof and upper windows. It had been painted a dark green colour, so that it blended in with its surroundings. Even the glass of the windows had been scrubbed over.

    Maurice experienced a brief moment of unease, but shrugged it off and stomped forward. Some people wanted more privacy than others, that was all. The grim-looking windows were nothing to be wary of, certainly not if you were a brazen behemoth like him.

    When he got to the porch, Maurice thought the house was deserted, and he nearly retreated. But then he spotted the flickering light of a candle coming from a room near the rear of the building.

    “Trying to pretend you’re not at home, eh?” he chuckled. “That old trick won’t work with me.”

    Maurice made a fist and rapped on the door. When there was no answer he knocked again, then a third time.

    “I’m not going away,” he shouted when nobody answered. “I can see you in there. You can’t hide from me. I can wait here all night.”

    At first nothing happened and he started to think that maybe there truly was nobody home. But then the light began to move forward as someone advanced with the candle in their hand.

    Maurice squared his shoulders as the door was opened by a small man, so that he appeared as a giant. The man stared out at him, holding up the candle to get a clearer view of the glowering boy.

    “Trick-or-treat,” Maurice boomed, holding out his bag.

    The man blinked as if he didn’t know what Maurice was talking about. He was a thin, wrinkled man, with trembling fingers and long, grey hair. Not old, but aged before his time.

    “Come on,” Maurice snorted, giving the bag a purposeful rattle. “Trick-or-treat.”

    The man blinked again, then pointed back towards the path.

    “You’ve got to be kidding,” Maurice snarled.

    The man cocked his head, as if he had never before been accused of having a sense of humour.

    “I’m going nowhere until you answer the question,” Maurice said. “Trick-or-treat?”

    The man pointed at the path again.

    “Are you mute?” Maurice asked.

    The man shook his head.

    “Then forget about pointing. I want to hear you say it. Trick-or-treat?”

    The man sighed and lowered his arm. Then he said, in a soft, reedy voice, “Trick.”

    Maurice stared at the man with disbelief. Then he started to smile. “Oh, you beauty,” he whispered. “Are you sure?”

    The man nodded, then closed the door and returned to the rear of the house.

    Maurice had been waiting for this all night. Along with the black bin bags, he had been wearing a rucksack. Stepping back from the house, he took this off and opened it up. There was a large plastic bag inside, and three more plastic bags nestled inside that, each one carefully knotted to prevent any spillages or smells from escaping.

    Maurice took out the plastic bag and laid it carefully on the grass at the side of the path. Then he untied the bags one by one, until his horde was revealed.

    He had spent the last week putting together the collection, although some items dated even further back than that. There were the eggs that he had stolen from a shop two months earlier. The small cartons of milk that had been stewing beneath his bed for the last three weeks.

    More recent additions included rotten meat, fruit and vegetables that he had rescued from a street market skip. A jar of vomit that he had coaxed from his baby sister when his parents weren’t looking. Along with one of her soiled nappies that he had sneaked off with that very morning.

    “Where to start?” Maurice muttered, studying his materials as if he was an artist agonising over which colour paint to begin with.

    In the end he went with the eggs, deciding to commence with a classic. He picked up one of the pungent bombs, felt its weight in the palm of his hand for a long, satisfying moment, then lobbed it at a downstairs window.

    The shell exploded and the rotten contents sprayed across the glass. The stench hit Maurice immediately and he gagged. Holding his nose shut with one hand, he rooted through the rucksack until he found the cotton wool that he had forgotten about in his excitement. Ripping it into balls, he swiftly stuffed a couple up his nose, cutting out the worst of the smell.

    “It’s all about the fine details,” Maurice smirked, then carried on bombing the house, striking every window that he could see, upstairs as well as down.

    He noticed movement inside. The man had come to one of the windows and was gazing out at Maurice, his face distorted by the candlelight and dark green shade of the glass. It was impossible to tell what he might be thinking. Maurice didn’t care. He didn’t stop either, not until he had run out of eggs. If the man wanted to come out and confront him, all the better. Maurice was the larger and meaner of the two. He fancied his chances.

    “Be careful what you wish for in future,” Maurice hollered as he poured the vomit from the jar in through the letter box.

    “Always have some treats in stock,” he shouted as he rubbed the inside of the dirty nappy around the rim of the front door.

    “It pays to be nice to children,” he laughed as he lobbed maggot-ridden chunks of meat onto the roof, to catch in the guttering and stink up the area around the bedroom windows.

    Maurice carried on until he had exhausted his supplies. He considered holding onto some of the mess, in case anyone blanked him on his way home, but he doubted he’d find anyone else as foolish as this lonely, trembling man. Nobody in control of their senses was dumb enough to get on the wrong side of the fearsome Maurice Morris.

    As Maurice was balling up the bags and sticking them back into the rucksack (he was a thug, but he wasn’t a litterbug), he heard a noise overhead. Looking up, he saw that one of the upstairs windows was open. The candle was sitting on the ledge inside.

    There was no sign of the man.

    “I’d keep the windows shut for a few weeks if I was you,” Maurice yelled up.

    Silence was the only response.

    Maurice frowned. He couldn’t say why, but he felt that the man was no longer inside, that he had slid out through the open window, into the branches of a tree that grew in close to the roof. That was silly, of course. The branches were spindly and wouldn’t support the weight of even the slightest human. But Maurice couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling.

    “Getting soft in your old age,” he sniffed, and finished packing away the bags.

    As he turned to leave, Maurice thought he glimpsed movement in the branches. Pausing, he stared up into the leafy canopy, but he couldn’t see anything.

    “I’m going now,” he roared, hoping his loud voice would mask the sound of his suddenly pounding heart. “See you again next year.”

    Maurice set off down the path, trying not to hurry, wanting to appear relaxed and unafraid.

    There was a rustling noise high in the trees above him.

    Then a snapping sound.

    “What’s up there?” Maurice cried. “I know it can’t be you. Do you have a pet squirrel or something?”

    Silence.

    “You’re wasting your time trying to frighten me,” Maurice said, starting forward again, faster than before.

    There was a creaking noise.

    Then something that might have been two branches rubbing together.

    Or fangs gnashing.

    “Nuts to this,” Maurice moaned, and he broke into a sprint.

    Maurice had never run much before. He had never needed to. Since he was the largest, most bullying child in the neighbourhood, nobody had ever pursued him, and he rarely bothered to chase kids who ran away from him. He lived in a small town, so he knew that he would cross paths with them again, sooner or later.

    He realised very quickly that he wasn’t cut out for running. He was too heavy. Within no time at all he was panting and sweating. When a stitch struck, he had to stop and double over. He sank to his knees, wheezing like an old man, wiping sweat away from his eyes.

    There was a small thumping sound ahead of him.

    Maurice looked up and saw a shape on the path. It was a man-shaped shape. Or something the rough size of a man.

    “Mister?” Maurice croaked. “Is that you?”

    Silence.

    “I’m sorry,” Maurice said. “I’ll come back and clean your house tomorrow. I promise.”

    The shape advanced. For a moment Maurice thought it was a monster, but then he saw that it was only the small, grey-haired man.

    “Oh.” Maurice smiled shakily as the man stopped in front of him. “It really is you. I thought...” He chuckled edgily, regaining some of his spirit.

    “Never mind what I thought,” Maurice said, getting back to his feet and cracking his knuckles. He glared at the man. “How did you get ahead of me? Is there another path that I don’t know about?”

    The man stared at Maurice solemnly. He wasn’t trembling any longer. Then he spoke softly, as he had before.

    “I’ve had a change of heart,” the man said.

    “What do you mean?” Maurice growled, eyeing the man suspiciously.

    The man bent backwards. He was wearing a shirt. It rode up as he stretched, exposing the flesh of his stomach. Maurice started to laugh, but then he saw the flesh begin to split across the middle, and the laughter died on his lips.

    The man carried on bending, far past the point that any normal person could bend to. As he bent, something crawled out of the spreading hole in his stomach. It was dark and coiled in on itself, like a snake. As it began to uncoil, Maurice saw that it was full of sharp angles and spikes, like a figure that had been pieced together from triangular scraps and a cactus plant.

    The creature reached up and grabbed a couple of branches. It could easily reach the upper levels of the trees with its long, nightmarish arms. It pulled itself out of the remains of the man’s body, and his flesh collapsed in on itself, revealing itself for the boneless piece of camouflage that it had always been.

    The monster stood before a spellbound Maurice, prickly organs still unfolding and sliding around the bulk of its body, taking shape as the boy watched, becoming a man-like figure, only three times as tall, with five legs and any number of arms. It had one long, yellow slit of an eye that ran almost all the way around the bulging crown of its massive grey head. And a mouth full of spiky fangs.

    The beast reached out with several of its arms and they curled around Maurice, spikes sticking into him wherever the tendrils touched. It was like falling into a bed of nettles, and Maurice cried out with pain. He tried to pull free, but the spikes dug in harder, so he stopped and stood still. Tears were falling from his eyes now, the first time he had cried in as long as he could remember.

    The monster gurgled, and although the words were almost unrecognisable, Maurice was able to make them out.

    “Ask me the question,” it said.

    “No,” Maurice whined. “Please.”

    The arms tightened a notch around him, spikes digging in again.

    Maurice winced, wept some more, then said softly and miserably, “Trick-or-treat.”

    The monster’s lips spread wide over its fangs as it smiled hungrily and nodded with punishing satisfaction.

    “Treat,” the monster whispered dreadfully.

    And with a bloodthirsty grin, it tucked on in.
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  • / Thin Executioner GAME!!
  • 15 September 2010
    Click on the following link for a cool computer game based on a scene in The Thin Executioner. It appears on the American Darren Shan site run and maintained by my USA publishers, LittleBrown. To play the game CLICK HERE.
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  • / Sons of Destiny micro site
  • 20 July 2010
    http://www.darrenshan-sonsofdestiny.com/ In October 2004, "Sons of Destiny", the last book in "The Saga of Darren Shan", was released in the UK. My publishers, HarperCollins, went wild on the publicity front and gave it a huge push, resulting in killer sales!!!! One of the items they came up with was a microsite to promote the book, featuring exclusives such as downloads, book notes, the ability to vote for your favourite character and UK cover, and more!! Many of those features can now be found on my regular site, but I recently came across the old microsite again and decided it would be fun to make it available to SHANSTERS in its original form. If nothing else, it has a super-cool entry screen!!!!!! Please note, it is no longer possible on the microsite to vote for your favourite cover or character. http://www.darrenshan-sonsofdestiny.com/
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  • / Awards
  • 16 July 2010
    This is an up to date list of the awards which Darren's books have either been nominated for or won. This list will be updated when relevant.

    The Saga of Darren Shan

    In 2001, Cirque Du Freak received 2nd prize at the Sheffield Children's Book Award, in the UK.

    In 2001, Cirque Du Freak was shortlisted for the WHSmith Children's Book Of The Year, in the UK.

    In 2002, Cirque Du Freak received an IRA-CBC Children's Choice Award, in the USA. (IRA = International Reading Association, and CBC = Children's Book Council).

    In 2002, Cirque Du Freak received a certificate of Outstanding Achievement in Books from the Parent's Guide to Children's Media Inc, in the USA.

    In 2004, Cirque Du Freak WON the Wyoming Soaring Eagle book award, in the USA.

    In 2005, The Vampire's Assistant was second runner-up of the Wyoming Soaring Eagle book award, in the USA.

    In 2006, Tunnels of Blood was first runner-up of the Wyoming Soaring Eagle book award, in the USA.

    In 2007, The Allies of the Night was shortlisted for the I Love This Book book award.


    The Demonata

    In 2006, Lord Loss WON the Redbridge Teenage Book award, in the UK.

    In 2006, Lord Loss was shortlisted for the Berkshire Book award, in the UK.

    In 2006, Lord Loss was shortlisted for the Doncaster Book award, in the UK.

    In 2006, Lord Loss was shortlisted for the Lancashire Children's Book Of The Year award, in the UK.

    In 2007, Lord Loss was shortlisted for the Leeds Children's Book award, in the UK.

    In 2007, Demon Thief was shortlisted for the Doncaster Book award, in the UK.

    In 2007, Demon Thief was shortlisted for the Irish Children's Book Of The Year award, in Ireland.

    In 2007, Demon Thief was shortlisted for the Lancashire Children's Book Of The Year award, in the UK.

    In 2007, Slawter was shortlisted for the Staffordshire Young Teen Fiction book award, in the UK.

    In 2007, Blood Beast was shortlisted for the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award, in the UK.

    In 2008, Lord Loss was shortlisted for the Wyoming Soaring Eagle book award, in the USA.

    In 2008, Lord Loss was shortlisted for the Flume: NH Teen Reader's Choice award, in the USA.

    In 2008, Blood Beast was shortlisted for the Doncaster Book Award, in the UK.

    In 2008, Demon Apocalypse was shortlisted for the Worcestershire Teen Book Award, in the UK.

    In 2009, Demon Thief was shortlisted for the Wyoming Soaring Eagle book award, in the USA.

    In 2009, Death's Shadow was shortlisted for the Worcestershire Teen Book Award, in the UK.

    In 2010, Demon Apocalypse was shortlisted for the Wyoming Soaring Eagle book award, in the USA.


    The Thin Executioner

    In 2011, The Thin Executioner was shortlisted for the Redbridge Teenage Book Award, in the UK.


    The Saga of Larten Crepsley

    In 2010, Birth Of A Killer was shortlisted for the Berkshire Book Award, in the UK.

    In 2011, Birth Of A Killer was shortlisted for the Independent Booksellers Week Award, in the UK.

    In 2011, Ocean Of Blood was shortlisted for the Children's Book Of The Year, in the Irish Book Awards.


    Zom-B

    In 2012, Zom-B was shortlisted for the Children's Book Of The Year, in the Irish Book Awards.

    In 2014, Zom-B was shortlisted for the Doncaster Book Award, in the UK.

    In 2016, Zom-B was shortlisted for the Wyoming Soaring Eagle Award, in the USA.

    In 2016, Zom-B Family was shortlisted for the Islington Teen Read Vote, in the UK.
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  • / Guyifesto!
  • 15 July 2010
    I wrote the following piece for a book called Guys Write For Guys Read. You can learn a bit more about the book by clicking here: http://www.darrenshan.com/extras/othercovers/guysread.html I decided to create a "manifesto" outlining some of the things that define what it means to be a guy -- and then, seeing a chance for a bit of easy wordplay, I decided to call it a "GUYifesto"!!!! As you'll see, it's a lighthearted bit of fun, slightly crude in places -- since the book was aimed solely at boys, my aim was to write something that would appeal specifically to teenage or pre-teen boys and make them laugh. Those of you who've read my books will know I normally don't resort to cheap, semi-rude jokes about natural bodily functions, but in this case I thought, why the hell not?!? If you're somebody who gets offended by burping and farting, or even the use of the word "fart", then you probably shouldn't read on!!!! And if you're a girl, you DEFINITELY shouldn't read on -- unless you want to learn some of the deep, dark secrets of that shadowy, unseemly species know to the world as ... GUYS!!!!!!

    buy Guys Read from Amazon UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0670060275/shanville

    buy Guys Read from Amazon USA: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0670060275/qid=1139652271/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-6930486-5385668?s=books&v=glance&n=283155



    GUYIFESTO -- who we (i.e. GUYS) are!!!!



    *Guys burp! Burping is our way of communicating with each other. We can say just about anything we want with a good burp. Girls gossip — guys burp. If a girl complains about you burping, you should tell her, “I’ll stop burping when you stop gossiping!”

    *Guys scratch! Guys scratch themselves all over. It’s how we check ourselves for wounds, insects, and all manner of other stuff. It goes back to when we were cavemen and didn’t have any medicines. It’s a natural defense and should be encouraged, not criticized.

    *Guys sniff! Often right after they scratch. It keeps our nostrils in shape. This was very important in olden times, when a good set of nostrils was the best way of telling if there were any dangerous animals about.

    *Guys wrestle! It’s a noble, ancient art. In Greek and Roman times, wrestlers were treated like heroes. Watching two grown men in tights throwing each other around a canvas ring is not silly or childish — it’s our way of keeping alive glorious cultures and traditions.

    *Guys are hairy! Girls make us shave, but beards and moustaches are great — they give us a fierce yet dignified look. Abe Lincoln had a beard! So did most of the other great guys of history. Every guy has an obligation to grow a beard or mustache at least once in his life.

    *Guys like sports! Real guys know that jobs, wives, money, family, and all the rest are only background details. Sports are what we were born for, either as competitors or spectators. It doesn’t matter whether it’s football, basketball, baseball, or Ludo — all guys love some sort of a sport, more than they can ever love anything else (except perhaps their car or dog).

    *Guys bite their toenails! This is an art form, not a disgusting habit! If Olympic gymnasts could bend down far enough to bite their toenails, they’d win gold medals every time! We defy the physical laws when we chew our toenails. Not only should we not stop doing it — we should do it more often, and in public!

    *After guys bite their toenails they chew the nails up into little pieces and swallow them! Not an art form, really, but crunchy — yum!

    *After guys bite their toenails and chew them up and swallow them they find a girl and kiss her! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

    *Guys don’t cook! Guys never cook, or do the washing-up, or even set foot in a kitchen unless it’s to eat food that has already been prepared. Unless they’re a famous chef. Then it’s OK. Otherwise it’s a major no-no! (Making popcorn doesn’t count as cooking, and it’s OK to BBQ, too. Anything else — nuh-uh!)

    *Making up a bed? Tidying a bedroom? PUH-LEASE!

    *Guys always eat with their mouths open! It makes the food taste better, and when little bits fall out and get stuck in your sweater or T-shirt, you can spend many happy hours picking them out and finishing them off. Even yummier than toenails!

    *Guys don’t wear suits! No where, no why, no how! Any guy who wears a suit is a slave to the man and no longer worthy of the honorable title of GUY! If you see a guy wearing a suit, you should report it at once to the F.G.I. (Federal Guy Investigators).

    *Guys never kiss girls! Unless they’ve bitten their toenails off (see above) or have just eaten a load of garlic, and want to make the girl suffer.

    *Guys don’t do pink! It’s not our color. Fact!

    *Guys don’t get up early! Unless it’s for sports. And even then, we do so reluctantly, with much moaning and groaning.

    *Guys don’t care about schoolwork! We do it to shut our parents up, sure, but we know it doesn’t really matter, since we’re all going to be rich, famous sports stars when we grow up.

    *And, finally, most important of all, guys fart! And real guys always call it farting! We don’t “toot” or “break wind” or “have a little whistle.” We f-a-r-t-FART! And we’re proud of our farts! We are the master farters of the universe — louder, longer, and smellier than any other creature in the world! Girls envy our flatulent abilities — that’s why they constantly moan about them, to try to drag us down to their own mediocre level. You should never apologize for farting, or try to keep a fart bottled in. True guys fart anytime, anywhere, devil be damned! Yes, it’s especially nice when we let off a loud, foul, juicy one underneath the covers late at night, then dip our heads beneath the sheets for a good, long SNIFF — but don’t keep all those decadent smells for yourselves, guys! Because above all else, guys LOVE TO SHARE, and farts are made to be shared with the world — especially girls!


    N.B. This list is not exclusive — every guy should feel free to add to it, to expand and explore the boundaries of guydom. Then show it to your parents and teachers, to explain who you are and what you’re made of. And if you fart on the paper just before handing it in, you might just get an extra couple of points — but only if your teacher is a GUY!
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  • / Let The Children Play Rough!
  • 15 July 2010
    This is a piece I wrote for English Teaching Online in 2006.


    In school, I wrote a bloodthirsty, futuristic story for a student teacher, thinking, 'She’ll be young and hip enough to dig it.' She wasn’t, and I almost got expelled.


    I’ve had more than a few letters from children and parents complaining about teachers who don’t understand them, who criticise them if they choose to write horror stories, who demand blood-free, family-friendly tales.


    In my books, I’ve buried a child alive … killed off dozens of characters … cannibals have cavorted merrily … in Lord Loss a boy witnessed a demon using his split-in-two sister as a hand-puppet. Nice!


    Oddly, I don’t get many complaints about my books, because as bloody as they are, most adults note the moral resonances. I write about kids who take responsibility, who put their lives on the line for family and friends, who learn the meaning of duty, courage, self-reliance. Horror is the web I weave to capture the attention of my teen readers. But they learn about much more than the workings of vampires and demons. Sure, I like bloody, action-packed fight scenes, but I’m more interested in exploring emotions and the problems my characters face, using fantasy to mirror and probe the more complex real world. Teachers and librarians (well, most of them!) understand this and cut me some slack.


    But as a teenager, I wasn’t concerned with exploring moral grey areas or in using horror and fantasy to take my readers on a voyage of self-discovery. Hell, I wasn’t able to. Writers develop over time, with age and experience. At thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, I knew I wanted to be a writer. That’s when I began working hard, writing lots of short stories in my spare time, making my first stab at novels. I yearned to make an impression, create a story that readers would respond to, that would excite and thrill all who passed within its reach.


    Lacking the ability to craft such stories, I went for full-on gore and violence instead. I travelled down many vile, vicious paths with my imagination, coming up with the sorts of stories that never see the light of day, being far better suited to as dark a setting as possible! But I learnt to write good stories by churning out these crimson shams. Where writing is concerned, practice makes perfect. The advice I give young, would-be writers – the only advice I think they ever really need – is, 'The more you write, the better you get.'


    Naturally, having been stung by showing one of my more colourful stories to a wrathful teacher, I kept these juicy gems to myself. I withdrew into my own world of fiction, a secretive, forbidden world. I couldn’t let anyone into it because I feared the repercussions. My late teens were a very negative time, largely because I was exploring a dark landscape, and had undertaken the task by myself, with no one to guide or encourage me.


    If I’d had a teacher I felt free to show my work to, and discuss it with, maybe I’d have come through the darkness earlier and easier than I did. I needed someone to tell me less is more, that I didn’t have to go into disgusting details to impress. Someone who wouldn’t criticise me for going off in the directions I took, but who would explore them with me, explain why they weren’t worth taking, and lead me back to the road I eventually, luckily found by myself.


    I think most teenagers have a terrible sense of being alone, especially if they’re of a creative bent and that creativity leads them to places that are frowned upon by the adults they interact with on a daily basis. Sure, it’s fun to be a rebel — but it can be scary, isolating and depressing too.


    We don’t live in an ideal world. I know teaching’s a hard job, that it’s easier to mark essays on conventional subjects than give a free rein to surly teenagers who want to write about zombies chowing down on fresh brains. But creativity isn’t a smooth ride. Sometimes it demands detours down grimy alleys of the mind, places no adult might want to visit, but which developing teens feel drawn to. As a teacher, you can choose to block such trends in your classroom and demand your students tread the straight and narrow line, forcing them to give up on writing or labour on by themselves, alone in the dark.


    Or you can encourage imagination wherever you find it, explore the quirkier corners of writing with those who truly do 'think outside the box', and try to help even the most creatively wayward students find their true direction. If you do, you might help the next Poe, Mary Shelley or Stephen King to blossom.


    Of course, you might inadvertently create the next Charles Manson too — but, hey, them’s the breaks!
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  • / Writing Horror - Forbidden Treats
  • 15 July 2010
    This was a piece I wrote for www.kidsreads.com in November 2005.

    I remember somehow catching the hammy Vincent Price film, "Theater Of Blood," when I was 6 years old. It's the one where he plays a lambasted Shakespearean actor who sets out to silence his critics with artistic murderous licence. In one scene he feeds a critic the mashed-up remains of his beloved poodles, on which the poor man duly chokes. I was blown away! This was story-telling as I'd never experienced it, and even at that tender age, while other kids were glued to nice, safe, anodyne stuff, I knew I wanted more!!!

    That thirst for "more" has never left me. As a child and teenager I sought out all the horror that I could, be it in movies, books or comics. I craved creepiness. If nightmares were the result - all the better! Over the years, I moved on and found other loves (horror is fun, but it can be limiting), though nothing ever had the same effect on me as those old Hammer movies, or Stephen King's early novels, or the short stories of Edgar Allan Poe.

    When I came to write Cirque Du Freak, I had only one mandate in mind: I was going to write the sort of book that I'd have loved to read as an 11/12 year old. It didn't matter that, as a twentysomething, I wasn't as stoked-up by horror as I'd once been. I wasn't writing for twenty year olds: I was writing for kids, and for the kid I'd once been - and I was determined to treat them to the sort of gruesome helter-skelter ride I believed they deserved.

    Cirque Du Freak isn't a reckless, irresponsible book. Although it's about vampires and circus freaks, I wasn't interested in sickening readers or pushing back the boundaries of what is acceptable. It explores such themes as friendship, the im-portance of family, and the need to make personal sacrifices for the good of oth-ers. But, like "Theater Of Blood," it certainly isn't for the squeamish! While there are no poodles in the book, there are vampires and poisonous tarantulas; a savage Wolf Man and a Snake Boy; one character winds up in a coma, whilst another gets buried alive. It's a book designed to play on a reader's emotions. There are out-and-out scary scenes ("boo! moments" as I like to call them), but also darker, less bombastic scenes, which will linger in your mind for days (and nights!) to come.

    That, for me, is the secret of good horror: the subtle menace between the sudden bursts of action and violence. Cirque Du Freak is designed not just to thrill you, but to set your nerves on edge. It's sometimes shocking, but also thought-pro-voking. Because that's where I believe the greatest horrors lie: not in having something leap at you out of the darkness, but in staring into the shadows of the night and brooding about what lurks within...waiting...staring back...

    © Darren Shan. 9 November 2005.
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  • / My Best Teacher
  • 15 July 2010
    This is an article I wrote for the Times Educational Supplement, about some of my favourite teachers from school. The piece was edited by Michael Thorne. (He had to cut out a couple of teachers for the sake of space, so no mention for Fr Martin or Brother Seamus, who were in the original draft!) Fr Donnellan sadly passed away in 2009.


    Father Donnellan taught English, ran the school sweetshop and played football almost every lunchtime. Father Donnellan, a priestly Pele who also ran the school tuckshop, was the teacher who had the biggest impact on me. More about him in a moment.

    My original teacher was my mother, Bridget. A primary teacher, she was the first to encourage my love of books. My parents had come over to London from Limerick in the 1960s and we lived on the Heygate estate in the Elephant and Castle. I went to school at the English Martyrs until I was six (having started at three).

    We moved back to Ireland in 1978 and I joined Askeaton National primary school, where my mother was a teacher. The first thing I had to get used to was corporal punishment. I had never seen anyone physically punished at the English Martyrs, but in Askeaton a sharp slap on an outstretched palm was part of the system. The pain was negligible, but I don't think it was a fair way to govern children.

    My efforts to learn Gaelic, which was compulsory, gave rise to much amusement. The teacher I remember most there was Mrs McDaid. She was from Donegal and was fluent in Gaelic. She sat, head cocked like a bird, chuckling as I mangled the language with my Cockney accent, which I have never lost. She also fostered my writing and I grew in confidence under her. I became so confident that in one story I compared her with the old sea hag in the Popeye cartoons! Fortunately, she appreciated the joke.

    My secondary school was called Copsewood, in Pallaskenry, Limerick. It had been founded by the Salesian Brothers, but by the time I went there it had gone co-ed and there were lots of lay teachers. We had to go to Mass once a month, but the religious character of the school wasn't oppressive.

    In first year English lessons, brother Seamus Meehan spurred me on to write short stories featuring friends and teachers. Although he let me have fun with my writing, he placed a lot of emphasis on starting each story with a detailed plot outline, which helped me grow as a writer

    But without doubt the teacher who had the biggest impact on me was Father Donnellan. He taught me English for four consecutive years. He was - and still is - a legendary figure in Copsewood, a real Mr Chips. He'd already been there for 20 years or so when I arrived and was adored by all the students. He ran the school sweet shop and played football almost every lunchtime. There were two "quads" - one for 1st and 2nd years, the other for older children. Father Donnellan used to play on the 1st and 2nd year quad and even though he was a man of the cloth, he wasn't someone you tackled lightly - he played dirty!

    He was as dominant in the class as on the pitch. He knew the syllabus inside out and could cut to the core of a poem, play or novel in the time it took us to open our books. He loved English and that love couldn't help but rub off. He didn't enthuse about my writing in the same way that Mrs McDaid and Brother Meehan had. He was of a different generation and not especially impressed by horror, fantasy and sci-fi, which was almost all I wanted to write then.

    One day he described how he wrote a letter. He'd write a first draft, then go through it once or twice, re-writing to get it right. "Stupid old goat," I smirked. "Why doesn't he do it right the first time?" That often comes back to me when I'm working on the sixth or seventh draft of a book.

    Darren Shan was talking to Michael Thorne



    THE STORY SO FAR.

    1972 born Darren O'Shaughnessy in London 1978 His parents move back to Limerick and Darren enrols at Askeaton National Primary school 1984 transfers to Copsewood, in Pallaskenry 1989 Gap year then Roehampton Institute of Further Education studying English and sociology 1989/90 completes first full-length manuscript 1996 signs with Chris Little, literary agent 1999 first adult novel published by HarperCollins, Ayuamarca 2000 first children's book, Cirque du Freak, published by Collins as the first of three sagas under the name Darren Shan 2000 Signs seven-figure film deal with Warner Brothers.
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  • / Growth of Shanville
  • 15 July 2010
    There's an ultra cool web site called Wayback Machine which archives web pages, so you can see how a site has developed over the years. To track the growth of Shanville (as my web site was originally called) from its birth in 2000 to the present day, click on the followiing link. http://web.archive.org/web/*/www.darrenshan.com
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  • / Original Shanville Home Page
  • 15 July 2010
    When my web site, which was then called Shanville, first went live in March 2000 I did all of the work on it myself! Having read a How To Create A Web Site in 24 Hours book, I painstakingly put together a very crude site. It wasn't much to look at, but I was proud of it, and it was a good starting point for what was to come. If you click on the following link, you can see what that original home page looked like, except there was also a photo of a tarantula, thumbnails of the books covers, and the links worked!!! http://www.darrenshan.com/extras/extras/oldhomepage.html
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  • / We Could Be Heroes!
  • 15 July 2010
    At the Edinburgh Book Festival one year, I took part in a debate with Mark Walden (who writes the H.I.V.E. books) in which we discussed which is "better" -- heroes or villains. Mark argued the case for villains, while I took the part of heroes. We both made an opening statement, then the audience got involved. Although much of the debate revolved around expected heroes and villains, like Superman, Batman, Lex Luthor and the Daleks, I tried to come at the subject from a different angle in my opening statement, to get people thinking about heroes in a fresh light. It seemed to work -- at the end of the debate, everyone voted for whether heroes or villains were best, and heroes just shaded it!!!!! Here follows the speech I gave.

    WE COULD BE HEROES!


    According to my dictionary, a hero is a person admired for great deeds and noble qualities. When I first started thinking about this argument, I planned to focus on heroes in that mould, like Batman, James Bond, the Famous Five, Jim Hawkins. People who face over the top villains and get the better of them. But then I cast my thoughts back and remembered the books I enjoyed most when I was a child and teenager, and the characters who stand out in my mind after all these years. And I realised that although I certainly enjoyed reading about Batman and the Famous Five, they weren’t the heroes who made a lasting, deep-rooted impression on me. In fact, the heroes I enjoyed most were those who weren’t necessarily heroes at all, at least not according to the dictionary definition. At that point I drew up a shortlist of a few of the books which mattered most to me when I was younger, and looked at the qualities of the main characters. And as I studied them, I began to realise that actually they WERE heroes, that the dictionary definition is flawed, that there is much more to being a hero than defeating the latest baddie and saving the world. There are alternate heroes, what I call TRUE heroes. And these are the type of heroes I’m going to focus on today, because I think once I get you thinking about them too, you’ll realise that TRUE heroes are far more multi-layered, interesting and memorable than any number of histrionic villains.



    I’m going to focus on three books which had a massive impact on me when I was younger to help illustrate what TRUE heroes are like. First, in The Machine Gunners, by Robert Westall, a boy called Chas McGill collects war souvenirs. It’s World War II, the Blitz is in full flight, and he often spends his nights in a bomb shelter with his family. But in the daytime he looks for war memorobilia. He has a great collection of bullet shells, bomb tailfins and so on, but then he finds a machine gun from a crashed plane, and everything changes. He installs it in a camp which he and a few of his friends are building. None of them are cool. They don’t have loads of friends at school. They’re misfits. One night they think the Germans have invaded, and every member of the group races to the camp, where they prepare themselves to fight, certain they’re going to die, but determined to go down fighting.

    In fact it’s NOT an invasion, and at the end of the book they end up in a LOT of trouble. Their camp is taken over, the group is broken up – never to see each other again – and some of them are even sent to the 1940s version of juvenile delinquent centres! But what endears us to them is the fact that they TRY. They think the end is coming, and rather than sit in bomb shelters with their families, waiting for the worst, they make the effort to fight destiny, to make a stand, to go out heroically.

    In The Chocolate War, by Robert Cormier, a boy called Jerry Renault goes to a school in a which a gang called the Vigils exercises unhealthy control, forcing students to do things they don’t want to. Every year the school organises a sale of chocolates, to raise funds. This year the Vigils tell Jerry not to sell any chocolates — they want to rock the boat a little. Jerry goes along with them and endures a hard time. Then, when the teachers are furious with him, the Vigils tell him he can start selling the chocolates — but he refuses. He doesn’t want to bow to their pressure. He resists, even though the entire school turns against him, staff and students alike. He stands alone. His mother has recently died. His father is still in mourning and distant. Jerry feels lonely and scared. But he stands up to the bullies. He refuses to back down. And is he rewarded for his struggles? Does he come away smiling and triumphant, like most so-called heroes do when they face a challenge? Nope! He ends up getting beaten to a pulp in front of a huge crowd, so badly that he needs an ambulance. He even ends up regretting his actions. He thinks to himself near the end of the book, “I have to tell Goober to play ball, make the team, sell whatever they want you to sell, do whatever they want you to do. They tell you to do your thing but they don’t mean it, not unless it happens to be their thing too. Don’t disturb the universe, Goober, no matter what the posters say.”

    But despite his regret and ultimate defeat, Jerry DOES disturb the universe, and for that reason he’s a REAL hero, just like Chas McGill in The Machine Gunners, and that’s why even in defeat and tragedy we care about them. A villain HAS to win. If a villain plots and schemes and kills people and takes the world to the brink of destruction, and then FAILS, we just feel derision. We sit there thinking, “Sucker! You’ve blown it! What a loser!” Because we don’t really CARE about them. They entertain us, yes, but ultimately we expect them to lose, and want them to lose, and don’t care too much when things go wrong for them.

    But we DO care about heroes. In real life, we all know it’s hard to go against the masses, to pit yourself against a crowd. We know how difficult it is to stand up for something you believe in, to defy the will of your friends and family. And we also know that even if you ARE heroic enough to take a stand, your efforts probably won’t amount to much, that, like Chas McGill and Jerry Renault, you won’t get to enjoy a fabulous victory. If you’re a vegetarian, your refusal to eat meat probably won’t cause others to stop eating it. If you’re concerned about the environment and you recycle and do what you can to help protect the planet, you’re fighting a long, hard battle, and many people are just going to ignore you. That’s life!

    But it’s the EFFORT that matters, that makes you heroic. It’s trying, even when you know you can’t win, that makes a TRUE hero. That’s one of the key reasons why heroes in books – in GOOD books – are much more interesting than villains. They’re not one-dimensional. You can explore their failures along with their successes. You can experience the dark side of being a hero. When a villain loses, so what? Send them to Arkham Asylum or run them through a meat grinder. They only matter to us while they’re in pursuit of victory. When their plans unravel, as they virtually always do, we lose interest in them and forget about them. But if a hero loses, as they do occasionally in really good books, like The Machine Gunners or The Chocolate War, that shakes us up and saddens us, and makes us examine the world and think about concepts of good and evil, right and wrong, victory and defeat. Villains are fun, certainly, I’m not going to argue that point — but flawed heroes like Chas McGill and Jerry Renault, who face up to real or imaginary threats and FAIL … they can change the way we think about the world and ourselves.



    Bless the Beasts & Children, by a guy called Glendon Swarthout, is a book about six losers at a summer camp. They all have personal problems. They’re clumsy and cowardly, a couple wet their beds, one sucks his thumb, another has tried to commit suicide. They come last in all the challenges at camp and are constantly mocked by the other teenagers. Every team at the camp gets a trophy, to show their status. Because their team is bottom of the camp league, they’re given a bed-pan, and are called The Bedwetters by everybody else. Naturally, this does nothing for their already low sense of self-esteem! They feel worse than ever, worthless, helpless. But then they see a group of buffalo being slaughtered and are horrified. The buffalo are part of a larger herd, and the rest are to be killed the next day. The leader of the Bedwetters, a boy called John Cotton, urges the others to try and help him set the remaining buffalo free.

    The book is about how even the lowest of us can find heroic qualities within ourselves, how all of us have the power to change ourselves and the world around us. This is the great thing about TRUE heroes — they can be weak, pitiful losers! Most of us probably think of the likes of Batman and Superman when we think of heroes, guys of steel and courage. But ARE they that heroic? Superman has amazing powers. Batman is a billionaire and can build all sorts of cool gadgets. It’s easy to be a glitzy hero in those circumstance. Batman and Superman are the sort of heroes we might LIKE to be in an imaginary world, but they’re not realistic, so I don’t think we form the same attachment to them as we do to REAL heroes. That’s why the Joker and Lex Luthor are so popular — because we don’t really care about Batman and Superman. We WANT the villains to come back against them. In an odd way, we WANT heroes like that to get hurt, to see them suffer. They’re not TRUE heroes, and that’s why we sometimes prefer the villains in those types of tales. But in a book with TRUE heroes, I think we always prefer the heroes to the villains.

    To give an example. In Bless the Beasts & Children, there’s a scene where the Bedwetters set out to steal another team’s trophy. In the camp, if you successfully steal another team’s trophy, you can keep it and you take over that team’s place in the standings. But the raid goes wrong, the other team catches the Bedwetters and they tie all six of them to a tree. Then the members of the other team fetch the Bedwetters’ bed-pan, urinate into it and … well, I think you can guess what happens next!

    Now, in Superman, that would be hilarious. Can you imagine? Superman closes in on Lex Luthor. Lex looks like he’s panicking, his great plan foiled, about to be caught and sent back to prison yet again. But then Lex throws a vial of liquid over Superman, who stops and splutters, “Oh no! Liquid Kyrptonite! I’m doomed! I’m going to die slow and horribly and … Wait a minute. This isn’t green. It’s yellow. And what’s that strange, acidic yet somehow pleasant in a weird way, smell? It surely can’t be … Lex — Nooooooooo!!!!!!!” Now, in a situation like that, who wouldn’t cheer for the villain? If a scene like that ever appeared in a Superman comic, I’d join the Lex Luthor fan club for life!

    But in Bless the Beasts & Children, it isn’t funny. Because these six guys are mirror images of you and me. I’m pretty sure most of you, like me, have failed at things in life. You haven’t been picked for a team. Your parents haven’t let you go to a game or concert that you’re dying to see. You’ve been made fun of in class by a teacher, or picked on by a bully. We all have horrible moments, times when we feel low, unwanted and unloved, just like the six Bedwetters in Bless The Beasts & Children. We can see shades of ourselves in these poor losers. And when they’re humiliated in such a cruel fashion, when a bedpan full of urine is thrown over them, as a reader you feel nothing but sympathy. You don’t laugh, because you hate that this has been done to them, because you know that in a world like that – the world that WE live in, the world of REAL villainy and heroism – it could just as easily happen to YOU.

    TRUE heroes are like us — flawed, scared, lonely. The villains in great books aren’t evil masterminds with secret powers, but the everyday type of bully, nasty teacher or uncaring parent or friend that all of us have encountered many times in our lives. We connect with these heroes because they show that no matter what our own flaws might be, we can at least TRY to overcome them. We can TRY to be better people, to stand up for ourselves, to fight for what we think is right. We won’t always succeed, and even if we do, success won’t always be as sweet as we wish it was. But there’s hope for us. When TRUE heroes find strength and courage within themselves, we cheer for them in a way we’ll never cheer for the Joker, Lex Luthor or any other outlandish evil-doer. No villain can make us feel the way a TRUE hero makes us feel — that we’re not alone in the world. That there are others like us, or even worse off then us, struggling with life and their limitations. Others who find inner strength and try to change the universe, despite the realistic odds and impossibility of success. Others who make us feel truly better about ourselves, who show us there’s hope in even the gloomiest and unlikeliest of situations. That’s what TRUE heroes do which no villain can — they give us hope. And that’s why I think you’re going to vote for heroes today, because you know a world in which cheap villains matter more than true heroes is a world without hope. I don’t think any of us want to live in a world like that. And TRUE heroes like Chas McGill, Jerry Renault and the Bedwetters help us believe that we don’t.
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  • / Life’s A Beach
  • 15 July 2010
    I wrote the following story for a Times Educational Supplement article about childhood memories. They decided, quite rightly, that it wasn't appropriate for what they wanted, so I wrote a different piece (which they accepted) and decided to use the original story here. Although it doesn't tie in directly to the Darren Shan world of circus freaks and vampires, I think it's a humorous, ghoulish little tale which is in keeping with the macabre tone of the series. Hope you like it!

    LIFE'S A BEACH...


    “a highly dubious ‘true story’ by Darren Shan”


    Summer + the weekend + me aged 8 = Beach! A long, beautiful stretch of golden sandy dreams, an hour's drive from where I lived. Stunning, chilling cliff caves to explore. Choppy waves to surf on or break. Ice-cream, candy-floss, the arcades afterwards. Heaven!

    The gang: me, Mum and Dad, my younger sister Annie, two older cousins, an aunt and her boyfriend, and my grandfather — Grandy. Squashed in Dad's big white Datsun, with a boot the size of a whale’s stomach, into which all the kids were packed.

    Bombing along, the adults chatting, the kids bored in the boot. Killing time. Singing songs. Telling stories. "I spy with my little eye …"

    We spotted the sea from the road, an incredible expanse of blue, stretching on into eternity. The smell hit us next: the air aflame with salt. Then the shrieks and laughter of those on the beach. Desperate to escape the confines of the boot and be part of the crowd. "Faster, Dad, faster!!!"

    We parked on top of the cliff and ambled down to the beach, making slow progress because of Grandy, who walked with the aid of a cane. Finally -- the beach! Finding a relatively quiet spot near the cliffs on the left (the ones without caves). Laying out a blanket. Locating swimming costumes and towels. Changing, shouting, arguing.

    Five minutes later, a race to the water. "Last one in's a rotten egg!" My older cousins made lots of noise and ran in up to their knees, but soon were back on the beach, teeth chattering, waiting for the sun to heat the water. They’d have a long wait!

    Dad came with Annie (she was too young to come with us by herself) and kicked water at us, Annie squealing in his arms. Within seconds we were all at it, soaking each other, roaring from the shock of the freezing water. A minute of that and we were acclimatised, ready to fall in, fight the waves, splash about — maybe even swim!

    Later. Roasting. Mum rubbing sun-tan lotion all over me. Gobbling ice cream while she worked. The others were off exploring the caves, but I was saving them for later -- the day was young. I sat with Mum, my aunt and Grandy. Grandy looked bored and was fidgeting a lot, digging out his pocket watch every few minutes to check the time. Mum suggested he play with me. I didn’t want to -- with his bad leg, he couldn’t play football, tennis or anything good. I started to sulk. Grandy tried telling Mum he was happy just sitting there, but she wouldn't listen.

    Then Mum suggested I bury Grandy in the sand. That sparked my interest! I nodded eagerly, smiled and pulled Grandy up by the arm when he resisted.

    Giving in, Grandy led me away from the crowd, out of the sun, into the shadow of the cliffs where it was quiet -- everybody was either swimming, sun-bathing or exploring the interesting cliffs on the other side of the beach. He helped me dig a deep, long grave, put his hat down, took his jacket off, even loosened his braces a notch or two. Wild man! Then he eased himself into the grave and I shovelled sand back over him, Grandy warning me not to spill any on his face.

    Grandy played along beautifully at first, kept perfectly still and breathed lightly so the sand could settle around him. But then, with his legs and most of his stomach covered, he began to jerk about. He pulled a frightening face and shook, cracking the previously smooth mound.

    I was having none of it. He wasn't escaping so easily. I spread myself out on his chest and pinned him down. "No you don't!" I grunted.

    Grandy struggled, gasping and panting, wheezing like a dog. He tried to push me off but his fingers were twisted and weak. I hadn’t seen them like that before. I thought they must have shrivelled in the sun.

    Eventually he stopped struggling. There wasn’t even a shiver out of him after that, and I swiftly finished covering him with sand. When I’d patted the sand into place, I looked at his face. It was eerily calm and expressionless. I’d have said he was asleep, except his eyes were open. His mouth too. For fun I poured some sand in, to see him splutter and rage, but he didn’t react. I poured more in — nothing.

    I let some sand trickle into his eyes, ready to run for my life if he roared and leapt after me. But he didn’t even blink! A bit more … more … more. Soon his entire face was covered — and still he didn’t move! How was he breathing? It was incredible.

    When he didn’t surface after ten minutes, I decided to leave him. I joined my cousins and Dad -- Annie was with Mum and my aunt-- and we played football and built castles. Then we went for another swim and finished off the last of the sandwiches when we came out. We were having a great time. I forgot all about Grandy until Mum asked where he was. I said he was over by the cliff, performing a magic trick. She frowned, looking around for him, and asked exactly where he was. I pointed to the mound of sand.

    The tide was coming in and had licked away at the base of the grave. From where we were, you could just make out the yellow glare of Grandy’s toes. Mum stared at them, confused. Then she leapt to her feet and ran. She hurdled over kids and ploughed through sandcastles. Reaching the grave, she collapsed on her knees and scrabbled sand away from around Grandy’s face. I was going to yell at her to stop – she was spoiling the trick – but my throat suddenly went skeleton dry -- I sensed something awful in the air. Getting up, I hobbled after her, a sick feeling in my belly, and stopped a few metres away, watching silently.

    Mum cleared the sand away from Grandy's face. His eyes and mouth were full of dry, crusty sand. My bad feeling got worse — like when I broke a window at home a few weeks earlier, playing football. Mum stared at Grandy. She turned around and stared at me. Then at Grandy. Me. Grandy. Me. Grandy. Me.

    Then she screamed -- and the day went totally downhill from there.
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  • / The Good Ship Tree
  • 15 July 2010
    I wrote the following article for a Times Educational Supplement article about childhood memories. Hope you like it!

    THE GOOD SHIP “TREE”


    When I was a kid, one of my best friends was a tree. No, I’m not a nutter! I’m not joking either. Listen: I lived in the countryside, on a road where there were no other children (except my younger brother). Most of the time I was confined to the large field out back of our house. Televison in Ireland was still in its infancy. There were two channels, and only one showed kid’s programmes — a couple of hours each evening! So I (like everybody else) had to find other ways to entertain myself.

    Reading, of course, was a wonderful escape, and I spent many hours locked away in a book, wide-eyed and breathless. But when I tired of reading there wasn’t much else I could do. I’d play with my brother, but he was five years younger than me — of limited appeal! I’d try making things – paper planes, catapults, bows and arrows – but DIY was never my strong suit.

    Which was where the tree came in.

    It was a mature plum tree. Lots of fruit in the autumn — Mum made plum jam. A great climbing tree. I spent many hours exploring the branches, figuring out how many ways I could climb up and down. I’d hang from the lower branches and time myself, then drop. I built a tree-house: nailed several planks between the branches and constructed a rickety platform. I hung a rope from one of the planks, and tied an old tyre to the lower end — “And lo, on the eighth day, Darren invented a swing!”

    The swing was fabulous. It swung around in an arc. I’d kick off from one side of the tree and circle around to the opposite side. Very fast and dangerous. If I didn’t judge my re-entry just right, I’d crash into the trunk — ka-crunch!

    After a while I set my imagination loose and transformed the tree and swing into — a ship! I pretended the tree was a tall ship, and the only way to power it was through the swing — the more I swung, the more power we had. Most evenings I ran out to the tree, hopped on the swing, and spent ten or fifteen minutes ‘powering up’. Once the ship was ready, I’d climb up into the ‘mast’ (the treehouse) and navigate. Branches became levers — if I didn’t pull the right combination, all hands would be lost! I’d climb high, tug on a branch, then dash down low and yank on a twig — just avoiding an iceberg! Then I’d slide down the rope to do some more swinging, and the great cruise would continue.

    I played all the crew: captain, officers, engineers, cabin boys. We raced other ships, sailed across the world, and fought off pirates. I had long conversations with myself – taking on the roles of the crew – but also with the tree. I’d bounce ideas off the bark and imagine the tree speaking back, though I knew it didn’t really — as I said, I’m not a nutter!

    I spent years playing out the odd but pleasant fantasy. I never told anybody about the good ship Tree — it was a secret I shared only with the plum provider. At night, when I had to leave it alone in the dark, I’d pat its branches, salute farewell, and promise to return. I always did. Until …

    Actually, I’m not sure when I stopped. Growing up is strange: I’ve stopped doing lots of things that I used to do all the time (playing with toys, watching cartoons, kicking a football against a wall), but I never remember deciding to stop. Childhood’s like a habit I grew out of, unknown to myself, a bit at a time. I think that happens to most people.

    Whenever and however it happened, I gradually spent less and less time up in the tree, and when I did venture up, it was only to sit in the branches and chill out — not to sail across the globe and have perilous adventures.

    The tree’s still standing. Its branches sag now, as though tired or sad. Maybe it misses me and our fantastic voyages — or maybe it’s just old age! It’s been fifteen years or more since I ‘sailed’ the tree. Writing this has made me wonder: could I work the engines today? Could I lose myself in the fantasy again? Would the tree welcome me back as a friend and respond to my orders? I think I’ll sneak up there late tonight, when everyone’s asleep. Swing on the tyre, climb up to the remains of the treehouse, whisper to the branches, “Hello, old friend.” And try to set sail.

    The next time you day-dream, look west, to where the sea and sky meet in the horizon of the imagination. If you see a red-faced, wild-eyed guy sailing a tree, grinning like a ten year old — you’ll know it’s me!

    © Darren Shan/TES. 15/8/01.
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  • / Young Alan Moore - Saga Of The Vile Thing
  • 15 July 2010
    I wrote the following story for a comic book called "Alan Moore: Portrait of an Extraordinary Gentleman". Alan Moore is a comics writer who has written some of the greatest comics ever, such as "Watchmen", "Miracleman", "V For Vendetta", "From Hell", "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen". He's been one of my biggest influences -- I think his best work is amazing!!! In 2003 he turned 50 years old, and a book of stories, comics and articles was released to celebrate. I was asked for a contribution, and came up with the following story. It's set at the time of Alan Moore's 10th birthday. I imagined what that day might have been like, and I worked in lots of references to characters and events from many of his comics (as many as I could fit in). If you haven't read much of Alan Moore's work, a lot of the references won't mean anything to you. So it's just as well that some enterprising fan decided to decode the story and list almost all of the in-jokes!!! To find it, click here.

    YOUNG ALAN MOORE in “SAGA OF THE VILE THING”


    November 18th, 1963. In America, president John F Kennedy is four days away from a decisively deadly date with destiny. In Britain, a young band of mop-tops from Liverpool are about to release their second album (it will hit stores in Britain on the same day that a “rubber bullet” hits president Kennedy) and will soon go on to conquer pop charts across the globe. The world stands on the brink of great social, cultural and technological changes. By the end of the decade everything will have altered, faster than previously imagined possible. It is a time of upheaval and revision. We could throw our gauntlet down in any corner of this brave new world and find individuals of wondrous imagination and courage, heralds of the age of evolution. We could alight in Moscow, New York, Berlin, London. But the metropolises of the world have been exhaustively documented. Let us instead set our sights on a grey, cold town in middle England, and one of its younger, more anarchic inhabitants. The town is Northampton, scene of two apparently unconnected, but preternaturally linked, petty crimes. And our focal spirit is ten year old Alan Moore, perpetrator of the humbly heinous acts. Let us observe …

    *

    “Who the hell would steal Santa’s beard?” constable Constantine asked rhetorically.

    “I dunno,” the unfortunately named Curt Vile muttered. “The bleeder hit me over the back of me head while I wasn’t looking. Mugging a poor old guy like me in a Santa suit — he must be the spawn of Satan!”

    Curt was lying across the pavement, redolent in a baggy red costume. He had black boots, the crimson suit, a white fur rimmed hat. All he lacked was the beard to complete the perfect yuletide picture.

    “What you doing in that get-up anyway?” constable Constantine asked. “Christmas is miles off.”

    “Thought I’d get in early on the act this year,” Curt said. “Another couple of weeks and you won’t be able to move for street Santas. Figured I’d beat them to the punch and make a bit of cash before the rush starts.”

    “Begging, eh?” constable Constantine exclaimed, ever quick to pounce on the subtlest of clues. “You’re nicked, mate!”

    Curt rubbed his bare chin and grimaced. “So much for the spirit of Christmas!”

    *

    Meanwhile, several streets away, Roscoe Moscow (as he was known to the local kids) was carrying out an emergency stock inventory. Roscoe sold and repaired bicycles from a small side-street shop. The shop had been burgled many times since opening day. He’d learnt a long time ago not to leave any money in the till, and to only keep tired old bikes in the shop (the good ones he kept in the spare rooms of his home). Thieves still pestered him, making off with equipment and the battered old bikes, or smashing up the contents of the shop for pure, bitter fun. But this was the strangest break-in yet.

    “I don’t get it,” Roscoe sighed, inventory completed. “Who’d go to all the trouble of breaking in just to take a single can of black spray paint?”

    *

    “Yo-ho-Huxley,” Alan Moore grunted, studying his reflection in a broken shard of mirror. He was wearing the long, shaggy Santa Claus beard, sprayed a delicious shade of midnight black. The paint can rested on the waste ground behind him. His fingers were smudged from the paint, but he’d been careful not to get it on his clothes — his mother would have his guts for garters if she found out about this!

    “Not bad,” Alan said, admiring his reflection. Even at that tender age there was something supernaturally piercing in his gaze. His grandmother said he had the eyes of an old man who’d seen much of the world, and worlds beyond. (“Aye,” his Dad had deadpanned. “And I bet the old fart was glad to get rid of ’em.”)

    “That’s decided then,” Alan said, removing the beard and laying it down next to the paint can. “I’ll grow me own as soon as I can.” The beard suited him. He should have been born with one. Thinking about it, he wondered if he had — maybe his grandmother had shaved it off. He smiled at the image of a baby with a beard. He imagined his mother’s reaction: “Ernest! Help! Me fanny’s coming away on the baby’s head!” Maybe he’d write a story about it … But no. He doubted his parents would see the funny side of that. Genitalia were unacceptable in his work at this moment in time. A few months ago he’d written a story about a lizard with both a penis and vagina (he’d called it “A hypersexual lizard”) — when his father stumbled across it, it had been like a replay of the wrath God visited upon Sodom and Gomorrah.

    Alan turned his back on the painted beard (“One day …”) and went exploring the warren of the Northampton back streets. Today was his tenth birthday, a special time in a boy’s life, the start of his ascent towards adulthood. Alan knew he had a lot of growing yet to do, but he had moved beyond the boundaries of basic childhood, and from today there could be no going back. He’d reached double figures — he was into big numbers now.

    He should have been in school, but how could he waste a magical day like this on lessons? If he was to have children, and they were to ask him how he’d celebrated his tenth birthday, how was he to respond? “Oh, I went to school like normal and got caned for knowing more than the teachers.” No. Better to be able to say he’d marked the occasion with a statement of his individuality and freedom of spirit. Some would have called his avoidance of school truancy — but Alan regarded it as valid, liberating, soul-enhancing rebellion.

    Trudging around Northampton, careful not to be seen by anybody who might know him, keeping to the shadows, elusive, hidden. Many children would have felt lonely, bored, scared in his position. But not Alan. With his imagination for company, he was never alone. He sought amusement in it while he walked, the hours passing swiftly, far swifter than they ever did in school.

    He was a super-hero, Batman fighting the Joker. No, better than that, he was his own super-hero, a character of his own invention. He was Jimmy Muscles … no, something even sturdier … Tommy Strong! Born in the tropics, possessor of incredible strength (not too sure how he came by his powers, but that wasn’t important), married to a beautiful, resourceful woman, guardian of mankind.

    In his head he fought a dozen battles, in the present, the future and the past. All zones were accessible to Tommy Strong. He could follow his enemies to the ends of the earth and through the torrid, twisted, tunnels of time itself.

    But even super heroes have to stop for lunch. Alan made a seat of a wooden crate next to a deserted factory and made quick work of his sandwich and apple. He was thirsty. A bottle of coke would have been perfect, but he lacked the funds, so he settled for some cool clear water from a rain barrel. A bunch of teddy boys passed as he was drinking from his cupped hands. They laughed at him and threatened to dunk him in the barrel. Alan said nothing while they passed – he’d been dunked before, so he didn’t doubt the seriousness of the threat – but once they were out of earshot he cursed them vilely, ending with a thumping snort of “Fashion beasts!”

    As he was leaving, in the opposite direction to the teddy boys, he noticed a watchman inside the factory, standing by one of the windows, bored out of his brain, idly watching the skyline. Alan studied the watchman for a while. The glass of the window was badly stained, and if Alan shifted slightly from foot to foot, the stains appeared to spread across the watchman’s face, altering his appearance. Alan wondered if anyone else was watching the watchman — glancing around at the grey neighbouring buildings, he didn’t think so.

    Eventually the watchman retreated, perhaps to view the town from a different window. Alan moved on, becoming Tommy Strong again. He fought space monsters, Nazis, and giant spiders. He had the idea for a creature half human and half spider — “Cobweb,” he called it. Cobweb was a man to begin with, but then Alan imagined it as a woman, alluring and sensual, destroying and devouring those she loved.

    In his mind, Cobweb proved too much of a threat for Tommy Strong — he was rendered helpless by his love for her. But not to fear — Alan simply invented a team of friends for Tommy, super heroes of all sorts, with a variety of powers. Jack Quickly, the Number One American, Greycoat — courageous, capable, loyal allies, one and all. But he needed a name for the team, something catchy. How about the Association of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Hmm … He liked it, but he sensed he could do better. He’d have to sleep on this one …

    After a series of taxing, life-threatening adventures, Alan wound up by the gates of his school, ten minutes before classes finished for the day. This way he could take the ordinary route home and not raise any suspicions if he was spotted by his neighbours.

    On the stroke of three o’clock, the pupils came streaming out, chattering, yelling, laughing, excited by their freedom. Alan kept to the shadows of the houses opposite the school gates, waiting for the crowd to pass, so he could follow just behind them. As he waited he spotted Hilary Jones, a girl from his class. She wasn’t the prettiest girl in school, but Alan had a warm spot for her. She had a lovely smile which gave him butterflies in his stomach every time he saw it. In his mind’s eye Hilary was no mere human girl — she was an angel, with a hidden glowing halo, sent to brighten up the lives of mere mortal men. He was not worthy of her, and would never be her boyfriend or husband, but perhaps he could write a poem in honour of her one day — or a ballad.

    When most of the children had passed – and all the teachers – Alan slipped out of hiding, fell in behind the stragglers, and made his way home, adopting the most innocent expression his mischievous little gargoylian face could manage.

    *

    Alan spent much of the afternoon ensconced in his bedroom, reading. On his bed lay a thick edition of Frankenstein: Or the Modern Prometheus (Alan had underlined the word “Prometheus” on the inside cover — he quite liked the sound of it), which Alan was enjoying immensely. There were also several Jack the Ripper tomes stacked in one corner of the room, which he dipped into at frequent intervals. Alan was intrigued by the Ripper, and thought he knew who the killer might have been, but he wasn’t prepared to make a claim just yet, not until he’d done a bit more research.

    Most of the time, though, he read comics. Comics were his first and abiding love. He boasted a collection of ageing, tattered, dog-eared, but golden treasures. Batman, Superman, Captain Britain, Marvelman — fantastic stuff! He liked to draw his own comics – he’d have a go at a Tommy Strong story soon – but he feared his lack of artistic ability might work against him in the long run. Perhaps he’d just write stories when he grew up, and get other people to draw them. Not as much fun as drawing them himself, but better than not working in the medium at all.

    When he wasn’t reading, Alan was scribbling in either his ABC or Top Ten notebooks. Alan loved to make lists and play with words. In the Top Ten pad he’d compose lists of his favourite comics, songs, TV shows, movies, as well as his top ten diseases, scourges, implements of torture, and so on. In the ABC book, Alan would jot down all the letters of the alphabet, meditate a while to blank his mind, then gaze at the letters and write down whatever words occurred to him, starting at A and rapidly working his way through to Z. He had hundreds of ABC lists, compiled in several bulging paper folders which his mother – a printer – had been able to procure for him.

    Alan was nearing the end of his latest list – “R for rorschach, S for supreme, T for time travel, U for UFO, V for vendetta” – when his mother called him down for supper. He quickly complete the list – “W for watchmen, X for x-ray (again!), Y for young blood, Z for zzzzzzz” – then raced for the kitchen.

    *

    His mother had offered to throw a party for him, but Alan didn’t believe in making a big deal out of birthdays, even one as important as his tenth. So apart from a small cake and a slightly nicer dinner than normal, it was a typical meal. Alan had opened his presents that morning – books and comics for the most part, as well as some clothes – but his mother had held a few surprises back for him, which provided some excitement after dinner. The presents were nothing extra special – another book, a game of Snakes and Ladders, a small magician’s set of tricks (he’d received the same set the year before, and had mastered the tricks within a couple of days, but Alan was a diplomatic boy and said nothing of this minor faux pas).

    He played a few games of Snakes and Ladders with his parents, then spent some time playing with the cat on the kitchen floor. The cat’s name was Maxwell. An elderly, straggly mongrel, missing half an ear, nicked and scratched in many places — a real cat. Alan liked Maxwell — he felt they were kindred spirits. He told the cat of his day and how he’d celebrated his birthday, safe in the knowledge that the cat wouldn’t betray his confidence. He started to tell Maxwell a story about a modern day kidnapper-cum-ripper who abducted young ladies – “Lost Girls” became the title, once Alan had worked out where the story was heading – but then a neighbour arrived and Maxwell bolted — the cat wasn’t fond of company.

    Alan strolled through to the living room to see which of the neighbours had come a-calling. He discovered one of the Bojeffries clan, sitting chatting with his mother. The Bojeffries woman – there were so many of them, Alan never bothered to remember their names – had a baby with her, and was showing what looked like some kind of parchment to Alan’s mother.

    “A birth caul,” she said. “Covered her head like a wee cap. We thought Glory – that’s what we’s called her – we thought she was deformed to begin with, but it was only the caul.”

    Alan was interested in the birth caul – he hadn’t seen one before – but his mother shooed him away before he could examine it properly. She didn’t like him poking his nose into “women’s stuff”. Her son was a bit too curious for her liking. There were certain things which men – and boys, certainly! – had no business knowing about.

    Muttering blackly to himself, Alan went to sit beside the fire. (He had no interest in television, though a new programme, due to start five days later, sounded like it might be worth his while — according to the grapevine, it was all about a time-travelling doctor.) He stared into the flames for a while, then cocked his head sideways. His grandmother had told him you could hear people talking if you listened closely to the flames. She hadn’t said whether the speakers were spirits, or if the flames served as some sort of telephonic system for the living. Alan listened intently for a long time, but there was no voice in this fire, and eventually he abandoned his post and returned to his room, to read and scribble some more.

    *

    Later that night, tiring of his notebooks and well-thumbed comics, Alan turned his hand towards writing some stories of his own. He wasn’t sure how writers wrote comic stories – did they draw a rough version of each page and write in the dialogue, or did they just describe the contents of the page? – so he’d experimented with several methods. Tonight he wrote a Tommy Strong story as straightforward prose, figuring he could adapt it at a later stage if he liked the feel of it.

    Alan had a good feeling about Tommy Strong. He was on to a winner with this one. It might take him a while to truly capture the character, develop his world and bring him to light, but he was sure, when he did, that the Tommy Strong comic would sell like hot cakes — he’d make a small killing!

    After the Tommy Strong adventure, he tried to think of some new characters, to use in other stories. He jotted down a series of names, but none really grabbed him. He took a break about nine o’clock and returned to the kitchen. His throat was exceedingly dry and he needed something to quench the thirst. As he stood in the kitchen, gulping down water, he played around with the word “quench”. A nice word, possibly one he could adapt for a character …

    Back in his room, he wrote the word down, replaced the “e” with an “i” (for no good reason other than it pleased him), then tried to find another name to go with it — “Quinch” sounded to him like one half of a partnership. Perhaps a doctor. Dr so-and-so and Quinch. Not bad, except he couldn’t find the right name for the doctor, no matter how hard he tried. In the end he left it as “Dr and Quinch” and resolved to work on it again in the morning.

    Some more doodling, a bit more reading, then Alan was ready for bed. He undressed, checked his underpants for skizz marks (his grandmother’s phrase), visited the bathroom, said goodnight to his parents, then tucked himself in.

    “So,” he thought in the darkness, staring at the cloudy night sky through a crack in the curtains. “Ten years old. Not a bad day. A bit on the quiet side, but what can you expect in Northampton! I’m sure, when I’m bigger, I’ll live somewhere big and fabulous. That’ll be much more exciting. Who knows — for my fiftieth, maybe I’ll be celebrating my birthday on the moon!”

    As Alan lay in bed, slowly drifting into the realm of slumber, he ran a few more story lines through his head. He often thought of good ideas late at night, on the verge of sleep, and sometimes he wouldn’t nod off until one or two in the morning. But not tonight. Ideas weren’t coming to him easily, and he didn’t want to work too hard on his birthday. He could chase ideas the next day. “Tomorrow,” he muttered, making a comfortable space for his head in the exact middle of the pillow. “Lots of time for stories tomorrow … write all the stories I want … tomorrow … stories …”

    And with that, young Alan Moore twitched, scratched his chin, then surrendered to the forces of Lord Morpheus, to dream of beards … and wonders.

    The End.
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  • / Hagurosan - Kids’ Night In version
  • 15 July 2010
    I wrote the following story for the fabulous War Child anthology, "Kids' Night In". The idea for the story came to me on a holy mountain in Japan, called Hagurosan. It's actually a true story up to a certain point! There WERE shrines on the mountain like the one I describe in the story. And I DID find a coin while I was walking around one of them. I left it as an offering, but as I went to leave for the second time, I noticed another coin! Then I wondered -- what if there was a new coin lying in my path every time I tried to leave??? Here's the result of my wonderings!

    HAGUROSAN


    no path is ordinary/ all are magical/ winding their ways to wonders


    “I don’t want to go to the shrine,” Hagurosan said. “I want to play.”

    “There will be time to play later,” his mother replied, handing him a small, freshly baked cake. “Take this and offer it to the spirits.”

    “But …” Hagurosan began.

    “Please,” his mother sighed. “I am too tired to argue.”

    And because Hagurosan was a good child, he pulled a face, stuck the cake in his pocket, and set off on the hour-long walk to the shrine.

    The sun sizzled in the sky. Children were playing in the dust, splashing each other with water from the well. Some of Hagurosan’s friends saw him. “Come play with us!” they called. But Hagurosan shook his head and walked on.

    Hagurosan scaled the small hill overlooking his village. He paused to admire the round huts and thatched roofs, then trotted down the gentle slope to the base of the Holy Mountain, where the real climb began.

    The gods dwelt on top of the cloud-capped mountain. The clouds were their floors. When the sky was blue, it meant they were abroad. Only the priests climbed to the top of the Holy Mountain. It was guarded by snake-hounds, which would kill any human foolish enough to disobey the sacred laws.

    But there was a shrine a fifth of the way up, where the spirits lived. Hagurosan wasn’t entirely sure about the ways in which spirits were different to gods, but he knew they weren’t as powerful. They were also more involved with humans. Gods only intervened on important occasions, during war, or if the land was threatened by disease. The spirits, on the other hand, could protect a farmer’s crops, or ensure a woman’s birthing time went smoothly.

    The climb was hard. Although the path was lined with trees, the sun found a way through, and Hagurosan was soon sweating. He stopped by a stream to wash his face and drink. The stream was a fierce torrent in winter, but today it was a bare trickle.

    As Hagurosan rested, he saw a bird overturn a pebble and greedily peck at the insects underneath. Hagurosan’s stomach rumbled. Many splendid fruits grew on the Holy Mountain, but all were forbidden to the villagers. Only the priests could harvest the crops here.

    Hagurosan’s right hand stole to his pocket. “I can’t eat the cake,” he muttered. “Not all of it. But the spirits won’t mind if I take a small bite.” He pulled out the cake and nibbled at a corner. Then he nibbled at the other corners, to make it look as though the cake was designed with four in-slanting corners. Pleased with this, he went to replace the cake in his pocket. But, because he did not want to damage it, he decided to leave it safe in his hand. He continued up the Holy Mountain.

    Unfortunately for Hagurosan, a cake in a boy’s hand has the knack of finding its way to his lips. As he climbed, he nibbled, a bit here, a bit there. He meant to leave a large chunk, but by the time he arrived at the shrine, only crumbs remained, stuck to his fingers like glittering brown stars. And even these he licked clean before entering the shrine, so that he could place his hands together cleanly and pray.

    Short stone statues dotted the shrine’s circular bounds. Larger statues adorned the interior. The largest was at the centre, twice Hagurosan’s height. All of the statues had faces which were human and yet not. Most had been wrapped in layers of clothing — a cape, a hat, a shawl. Toys lay at the feet of some statues, or tools, or coins. (There were not many coins. Hagurosan came from a poor village. They bartered with other villages for most of their goods.) Food – mostly rotting cakes – surrounded every statue. All of the goods had been left as offerings to the spirits.

    Hagurosan’s family usually left their offerings at the feet of a statue near the rear of the shrine. It had been erected by Hagurosan’s great-grandfather, and it was supposed to look like him. But today Hagurosan dared not face that statue. He had eaten the offering and it was only now that he was standing within the shrine that he realized the size of his sin. He had taken food meant for the spirits. People who did that were struck down dead or inflicted with a terrible disease. Sometimes their families were cursed too.

    Hagurosan thought about running away and lying to his mother, but the spirits could not be tricked. His only hope was to throw himself at their mercy and pray that they took pity on him.

    Hagurosan walked to the statue at the centre of the shrine, head bowed and hands joined, murmuring prayers. When he reached the statue, he fell to his knees and prayed for several minutes, before looking up at the weather-beaten face.

    “I didn’t mean to eat the cake,” Hagurosan said, a tear trickling from his left eye. “I only wanted a bit of it. But I couldn’t stop once I started.” He rooted through his pockets, looking for something else to offer the spirits. But his pockets were empty. He thought about taking off his shorts and leaving them, but that would mean walking naked back to the village.

    “Please don’t curse me,” Hagurosan whimpered. “If you forgive me, I’ll come back with all my toys. I’ll give you all my dinners for a week. Anything!”

    A light breeze whistled through the trees, but that was the only response. Hagurosan stood uncertainly. “If you curse me,” he said to the statue, “will you please not curse my family? They didn’t eat the cake. That was just me.”

    Hagurosan made for the exit. He was almost there when something twinkled and caught his eye. Stopping, he bent over and discovered a small silver coin nestled in a bed of moss.

    Hagurosan’s heart beat fast with excitement. A real silver coin! He’d never held one before. A copper coin, yes, a couple of times. But never silver. His head spun giddily as he thought of all the things he could buy. Toys, sweet cakes, clothes. A present for his mother. She loved it when his father returned from market with presents. It didn’t happen very often, but when it did she smiled her widest smile and was in a good mood for days after.

    Gripping the coin tight, Hagurosan started forward at a run …

    … then stopped. He opened his hand slowly and gazed down at the coin, then looked back at the tall statue in the centre of the shrine. Although he knew it was impossible, Hagurosan had the feeling that the statue’s eyes had moved. They seemed to be focused on him now, judging him.

    “OK,” Hagurosan sighed after a handful of seconds. He trudged unhappily back to the statue, knelt and set the coin down before it. There weren’t many offerings here, but all were impressive — a beautiful mirror, ornate necklaces, a leather wallet, and several sparkling jewels. Only the best gifts were left at this statue, on occasions when people had something extra special to wish for.

    “There,” Hagurosan said. “It’s worth much more than the cake. You could buy a hundred cakes with it. But it’s yours now. I don’t deserve it.”

    He glanced up at the statue, hoping it would come to life, smile upon him, and tell him that he could keep the coin. But the statue did not move. After one last lingering gaze at the coin, Hagurosan rose. He was on his feet before it occurred to him that he hadn’t made a wish. With so generous a gift, Hagurosan should have been able to make a momentous wish. But since the gift had been offered to atone for eating the cake, maybe he didn’t have the right to wish for anything. At the same time, it would be a shame to waste such a precious wish.

    “I know,” he said, suddenly inspired. “Bless the children of the world, especially those in need of help. Look after them and grant them happiness and a safe place to live. This is my wish.”

    Hagurosan bowed low to the statue, turned and walked towards the exit. But this time, as before, he stopped short. There was another coin! It lay in almost the same place, and looked very much like the first coin. Hagurosan felt faint. To find two silver coins in the same day was unheard of!

    As Hagurosan picked up the coin, his features creased with doubt. Was this a gift from the spirits? Were they rewarding him for giving the other coin to them? Or was it just good luck? If it was luck, then he should give this one to the spirits as well. He still felt guilty. If he took this coin, the guilt would grow within him and eat him away as surely as he’d eaten the cake.

    “This has taught me a lesson I’ll never forget!” Hagurosan grunted as he took the coin to the statue and dropped it beside the first coin. He felt disgusted, but he knew he was doing the right thing.

    Hagurosan headed for the exit, faster than before, eager to race down the Holy Mountain and tell his friends what had happened. But, for the third time that day, he stopped before setting foot outside the shrine.

    There was another coin, nestled on its side in the moss!

    This time Hagurosan didn’t touch the coin. He stared at it suspiciously, afraid. This wasn’t normal. It wasn’t just that he’d found three silver coins in the same spot on the same day, but that he had not noticed the second and third while picking up the first. Hagurosan now searched the ground around the ground, scattering the moss, sweeping through the dirt, making sure there were no other coins. Satisfied that this was the final one, he took it to the statue, set it down next to the others and again went to leave.

    There was another coin.

    Hagurosan stood over the coin, shivering. He studied it for what felt like a year, his stomach tight with fear. Then he stepped over it and hurried for the exit.

    “Wait,” said a voice that was all voices.

    Hagurosan froze.

    “We do not want you to leave,” said the voice that was all voices.

    Hagurosan managed to turn his head. He thought he would see the lips of the giant statue moving, but they didn’t. None of the statues’ lips moved. But words came nevertheless.

    “We want you to collect the coins,” said the voice that was all voices. “When the day comes that you see no coin, you may leave with our blessing.”

    “Wh-wh-wh-what if I … luh-luh-leave before that?” Hagurosan croaked.

    “Then we cannot grant your wish,” said the voice that was all voices, and after that it was silent.

    *

    Late that night, Hagurosan’s father came looking for him. He found his son huddled on the ground in front of the shrine’s largest statue, crying softly. “Hagurosan,” he said, touching the boy’s trembling back. “What is wrong?”

    “The spirits won’t let me go!” Hagurosan moaned, clutching his father tight. “I ate their cake and now they say I’ve got to stay here to make my wish come true. But I don’t want it to come true, not if it means I can’t go home!”

    Hagurosan’s father let the boy babble, then worked the full story out of him. He was troubled by his son’s tale. His first thought was that Hagurosan had made it up. But he could see the three silver coins lying together at the statue’s feet.

    “Where did you find the coins?” Hagurosan’s father asked. When Hagurosan showed him, he searched the ground thoroughly to make sure it was clear. “Now,” he said, smiling at his son. “You don’t see any coins, do you?”

    “No,” Hagurosan sniffed.

    “Then come with me.” Hagurosan’s father held his hands out.

    Hagurosan took a step towards his father. A second. A third. Then he stopped, bent and picked up a dull silver coin. “See?” he said quietly, turning to place the coin before the statue with the others.

    Hagurosan’s father studied his son in wonder, then spun around wildly and ran down the Holy Mountain to fetch the local priest.

    *

    The priest was sceptical (and angry at having been disturbed during his supper). But when he saw Hagurosan produce eight silver coins in a row, his scepticism gave way to awe.

    “It is a miracle,” the priest said to Hagurosan’s father and the scattering of villagers who’d got wind that something strange was happening. “But I cannot make sense of it. I will need to consult with my superiors.”

    “But they are several days’ walk away,” Hagurosan’s father said. “What will my son do in the meantime?”

    “Stay here,” the priest said. “And pick coins. As many as he can.”

    The priest departed, sweeping down the Holy Mountain, robes flapping around him. Hagurosan’s father held a quick conference with the other villagers. Clothes were bundled together and passed to Hagurosan. “You must sleep here,” his father said.

    “What about you?” Hagurosan asked. “Will you stay too?”

    “I cannot,” his father said. “It is forbidden for ordinary people to spend the night here. But I will return in the morning and bring your mother.”

    Hagurosan’s father hugged him hard, then left with the other villagers. Hagurosan felt terribly lonely. He wished with all his heart to race after them. But he didn’t dare disobey the will of the spirits, so he pulled the clothes tight around his body and tried to rock himself to sleep.

    *

    Hagurosan’s mother marched up the Holy Mountain the next morning, determined to return to the village with her son. But when she saw him pick coins out of what had moments before been thin air, she realized her son was at the centre of something wondrous. Instead of removing Hagurosan from the shrine, she comforted him as best she could, gave him biscuits, and promised to return later with fresh cakes and bread, fish and meat, whatever he desired.

    Over the next few days, the people in the village took turns to carry food up the Holy Mountain to Hagurosan. They also brought clothes and toys. Many children came to play with him. They felt awkward around him at first – they had heard their parents talking of a boy marvel – but after a few minutes they saw that he was the same Hagurosan as always, and played with him freely.

    When he wasn’t playing with his friends, Hagurosan picked coins. He lost count halfway through the second day, but the pile was soon as high as his knees. The villagers reckoned he must have picked five or six hundred silver coins — a fortune.

    Each time Hagurosan found a coin, he prayed that it would be the last. But every time he tried to leave, a new coin was waiting to be added to the ever-growing pile at the foot of the statue.

    *

    Twelve days later the priest and his superiors returned. The villagers had never seen so many priests before, or such important priests. Most were scared of them and stayed within their huts, fearful lest the priests should mark this as a bad omen and bring a curse upon the entire village.

    At the shrine, the braver villagers were told to leave, then the priests entered and positioned themselves in a large circle around Hagurosan. Once he’d demonstrated his ability to find magical coins, and once the priests had tried and failed, they questioned him aggressively. Some shouted, some whispered, some threatened, some offered bribes. Hagurosan was terrified and confused by the attention, but all he could do was tell the truth, so he did.

    Eventually an elderly priest, who had not yet spoken, cleared his throat. The other priests fell silent. “This boy has been blessed with punishment,” the priest said calmly. “The spirits have asked him to collect the coins in order to grant the wish he made. Hagurosan asked them to bless the children of the world, to help and protect those in need. This they are doing, by providing us with the means to help the children ourselves.

    “The coins are for the children,” the priest said. “Hagurosan will collect them, then we will take them and spend them on children who need help.”

    “But it is forbidden to remove offerings from the shrine,” another priest said.

    “Yes,” the elderly priest agreed. “But the coins are not our offerings to the spirits. They are the spirits’ offerings to us.”

    The elderly priest looked at Hagurosan. His eyes were dark and deep, and Hagurosan found himself unable to look away. “You do not have to do this,” the priest said. “The spirits did not order you to stay. They said they wanted you to collect the coins. If you choose to leave, I do not think they will harm you. But there will be no more coins, and the children you wished to help will suffer.”

    Hagurosan almost fled when he heard that. He hadn’t really thought about what he was saying when he made the wish, and had no desire to sacrifice his freedom to help others. But now that he considered the priest’s words, he realized how instrumental he could be. War and disease were common in his part of the world. There were many orphans, alone and hungry, doomed to die of starvation and lack of care. He had the power to help them. If he turned his back on it, he would feel like the most wretched person on the face of the planet.

    “OK,” Hagurosan said, with a heavy heart and tears in his eyes. “I’ll stay.” And as he said it, he imagined a prison door clanging shut behind him, cutting him off from the world for the rest of his life.

    * * *


    no matter the creeds of man/ respect the holy/ and the world is your reward



    “You’re the green-tooth monster!” a young boy shouted, slapping Hagurosan hard. Hagurosan bared his teeth, grunted monstrously, and lumbered after the children who ran away from him, laughing with delight.

    Hagurosan was a young man now. Other men his age were hunting and farming, travelling to market to trade their goods, making plans to marry. Hagurosan, however, remained in the shrine, playing with children, hearing all about the great world beyond from those who visited him, but unable to set foot in it.

    He knew every last inch of the shrine. He had walked around it thousands of times. He knew every crack in every statue. He knew the birds, foxes and squirrels which came to feed on the offerings left for the spirits. They had been wary of him to begin with, but now accepted him as just another feature of the shrine.

    The village at the foot of the Holy Mountain had changed beyond recognition, according to the reports. The coins Hagurosan collected had been spent well. Shelters had been built to house children who were victims of war or suffering. New bakeries had been established. Public baths. Playgrounds. Even a school!

    The village elders relied heavily on Hagurosan for advice. They asked for his counsel before embarking on building schemes. He had been blessed by the spirits, and they did not care to risk offending them by somehow offending Hagurosan.

    When Hagurosan wasn’t discussing plans with the elders, or collecting coins, he was usually playing or talking with the children. They loved him. Many were suspicious, scared and surly when they came to the village. Hagurosan put them all at their ease. He was able to communicate with them, even if they didn’t speak his language — another gift from the gods. He would talk with them when they came, tell them about his past and the village, and gradually chip away at their wounded defences. They learnt first to trust Hagurosan, and later to trust others.

    In return for helping the children, they provided Hagurosan with company. It was lonely on the Holy Mountain, but the children helped the days pass quickly. He could not escape the loneliness of the nights, when he slept alone in the small shack which had been built for him within the shrine, but days never dragged.

    Sometimes Hagurosan envied his young friends. His heart often ached when he thought of his lost childhood. He would have given anything to be one of those he helped, to be able to explore the village, run where he wished, hunt with the men, trade at market, court girls.

    But he never regretted his decision. Almost every day new children arrived, strays and waifs, some travelling for months on end to find refuge, crossing war zones, braving forests filled with wild animals and soul-sucking ghosts. Children without parents and homes, who’d been orphaned or abandoned, some on crutches, some who had crawled, all hurting in one way or another. They were lost, unsure of the world, regarding it warily through haunted, distrustful eyes.

    Before, these children would have perished, or grown up into unpleasant, hate-filled adults, twisted by bitterness and lack of love. Now they had a corner of the world to call their own. They were housed, fed, clothed, educated, loved. They played with the children of the village and grew happy and strong. Smiles replaced tears and hope replaced fears.

    Whenever Hagurosan felt sad or resentful, he looked into the eyes of the rescued children, saw the relief and happiness, and knew with all his being that he had made the right decision. The knowledge didn’t make the regrets go away, but it allowed Hagurosan to live content with them.

    *

    One day priests climbed the Holy Mountain, intent on taking Hagurosan away. They had been sent by a prince from the far north. He wished to install Hagurosan in his palace and use the coins to build temples to his own spirits.

    “But what about the children?” Hagurosan cried. “The spirits provide me with the coins to help them.”

    “No,” the head priest said. “That was a misunderstanding. The spirits wish to be honoured. They would not waste such a fortune on simple children.”

    “But they’re not wasting it,” Hagurosan said.

    “You are a peasant,” the priest laughed. “What makes you think you know more than us? We have devoted our lives to understanding the ways of the spirits and interpreting their wishes.”

    “But …” Hagurosan began.

    “Come!” the priest snapped. “Do not argue. Leave with us now or else …”

    “It is not for you to understand the ways of the spirits,” interrupted a voice that was all voices. Hagurosan had heard this voice before, and smiled. But the priests had never heard it, and they cringed with fear. “The people we speak to hear us in their hearts and have no need of interpretors. Hagurosan is doing our work. Let him be, and never again presume to know our thoughts.”

    The voice that was all voices stopped. Moments later the priests fled, pale and shaken. They never returned, but word spread of what had happened, and in the years to come more and more people made the pilgrimage to the Holy Mountain, to learn from the man who had heard the spirits with his heart. Hagurosan had only one thing to teach them, since there was only one thing he knew: “Be kind to the children, and protect them.” But that, most came to see as they wandered through the village of vibrant, warm-hearted children, was enough. If they could get that right, all else would one day follow.

    * * *


    never doubt the glorious/ it reveals itself/ as time rids our souls of flesh


    Many years passed. Hagurosan’s parents died, along with his friends. He became an elder, one of the oldest ever known. He moved slowly now, and creaked when he bent to pick up the coins. He did not need to sleep much at night, or eat much.

    He was enjoying this phase of his life. Every morning he would wake early and collect coins. Shortly after dawn, children from the town started to arrive and he would pass the day talking and playing with them. (The village had grown over the decades, and was now one of the biggest towns in the land.)

    Hagurosan never tired of the children. Adults came to see him too, and he received them politely, but he preferred the company of children. Perhaps it was that he had never really grown out of his childhood. In some ways he had been robbed of it. He had not matured the same as other children, learning the ways of adults. Inside he was still a child, seeing the world through fresh, hungry, enquiring eyes.

    Nobody knew how many children had been helped by Hagurosan’s coins. Thousands, certainly. Tens of thousands, quite possibly. Perhaps more. They had come from all corners of the world, braving the harshest terrain, to find friends and protecters, comfort and rest. They were safe here. The town was a haven. No tribes attacked Hagurosan’s people, or made claims on the area. It was a holy place, respected by all, where children could play and grow. No war, no suffering, no hatred, no greed. There was enough for all, and all shared equally.

    As the children grew, some married and stayed in the town, while some moved away to lead ordinary lives elsewhere. But others left on a mission. They walked from town to town, village to village, spreading the legend of Hagurosan and sowing the seeds of an idea. “This does not have to be a one-off,” they told people. “Children from all over the world have come together and created an earthly paradise. If that can happen in one village, why not in all?”

    Hagurosan didn’t think the world was ready for the message. He thought people had a long way to go before they were ready to accept the idea that they had the power to create a perfect world. But it was a start. Mankind, like the children of the town, would grow and learn, and perhaps, many years in the future, all villages and towns would be like Hagurosan’s. No wars would be fought, and no child or person need ever suffer or go hungry or lonely again.

    *

    Hagurosan was talking with some of his many children. They were telling him the latest news from the town. He always enjoyed hearing about the town, even though he often felt a pang of envy and wished he too could walk the streets and enjoy what he had helped create. But the pang was usually a small one, and he had long since learnt to ignore it.

    Today, however, as the children were speaking, a sharp pain shot through his chest. He was surprised by it, and upset at himself for being so foolish. To shake off the feeling, he walked towards the exit, meaning to pick up some coins. But when he got to the spot where the coins appeared, there was nothing. He stopped, confused, then took a few paces forward in case he had misjudged the spot. Still no coin.

    Hagurosan turned to ask the children if they had played a trick on him and moved the exit. But what he saw caused the words to die on his lips. By the giant statue in the centre of the glade, the children were gathered around the body of a man who was quite obviously dead.

    That man was Hagurosan.

    As Hagurosan watched, the children wept and stroked the hair and face of the elderly corpse. Two of them hurried down the Holy Mountain to alert their elders. The rest stayed to keep Hagurosan’s body company.

    “Can I leave now?” Hagurosan asked, his words softer than a light spring breeze.

    “Yes,” said the voice that was all voices.

    “Where will I go?” Hagurosan asked.

    “Follow the path,” the voice that was all voices said. “You will find your way. And, Hagurosan,” it added as he turned to leave. “Childhood is the purest state. The pure of heart never leave it behind. Their life merely takes them on a circuitous route away from, and then back to it.”

    Hagurosan didn’t understand, but he sensed that the voice that was all voices had finished. He bowed once to the statue at the centre of the shrine, gazed one last time upon his mortal face (he hadn’t realized he was that wrinkly!), then left the shrine at a quick pace, eager to see what the world was like.

    Hagurosan descended the Holy Mountain at a brisk trot, no longer aware of the ravages of old age. He passed through an incredible, sprawling, modern town, unrecognizable as the village where he had lived. What impressed him most wasn’t the new-style buildings, the fine roads, schools and playgrounds, but the look of joy and contentment on the faces of the people. They were no wealthier than those of most other towns, since all the money Hagurosan raised had gone towards the welfare of the children. But they were richer in spirit, and Hagurosan could now see that that was the greatest wealth of all.

    As he left the town, the path and countryside changed, and he found himself in a new world, much like the one he had left, but brighter and lighter. He sensed that this world could be as peaceful or invigorating as he wished it to be, loud or quiet, vast or secluded. If, one day, the people of his world found the perfection he believed they were capable of enjoying, it would be just like this, and then perhaps there would be no need for two worlds, and people of all times and places could live together as one.

    As Hagurosan walked, he felt his body change from that of an elderly man to that of a child. It was a rapid transformation, altering him in less than the blink of an eye. He stood, staring down at his tiny blemish-free hands and small crooked feet. Then someone shouted his name. A young girl was racing towards him, laughing and clapping. Other children followed, boys and girls, all as delighted as the girl in front.

    Hagurosan was confused for just an instant. Then he realized who the girl was — his mother. And behind her, his father and other relatives, and friends from both his youth and old age. All were familiar, even though all were now children.

    As Hagurosan’s mother embraced him, and the other children surrounded him, he was filled with the understanding of this new world. It was no more than what the voice that was all voices had told him. Childhood is the purest state, and the pure of heart always return to it. Life might be hard, and one might suffer with one’s trials. But always, at the end, lay the promise of childhood’s magic. For those who endured, the reward was a world of wonder, where every day was an adventure and every night a tableau of splendid, endless dreams.

    Once he understood, Hagurosan laughed and hugged the children around him with renewed delight. He had lost nothing during his years in the shrine, or missed out on anything. The spirits had not cheated him of his childhood. Nobody could be cheated of childhood, not in the long run.

    Hagurosan’s band of friends and family broke apart after a while and drifted away. They would speak individually with Hagurosan later. They did not need to overwhelm him. There was no rush in this world. Hagurosan’s mother squeezed his hand tightly and smiled. “Are you ready for this?” she asked.

    “Yes,” he said.

    “Then let’s go!” she whooped and ran with Hagurosan down to where the multitudes of children were playing and would continue to play, in peace, security and love, for all the circles of time and the endless loops beyond.


    end
    Return to listing
  • / A demon By Any Other Name!
  • 15 July 2010
    There are some weird names in "The Demonata" books!! I sometimes get asked why I use such strange names for my characters. The simple answer is -- "Why not?!?" One of the fun things about writing a fantastical book is that you have license to play around with names. You don't have to stick to the traditional, realistic favourites. So I like to play about a bit!!!! There's no one "right" way to say most of the names -- pronunciation is a purely personal matter when you're reading a book. But, for the record, here's how I say the odder names in the first 3 books of the series! (I haven't bothered including those which are straightforward.)

    LORD LOSS

    GRUBITSCH GRADY -- the hero of my first demonic dalliance is pronounced Grew-bitch (with a hint of an S in the "bitch" part" -- try saying it as if you have a lisp!) Gray-dee. I'm not sure where I got the name from -- I THINK I made it up, but it's possible it's a real name!!! On the audio CDs, Rupert Degas pronounces the name as Grub(rhymes with "hub)-itch. Which is perfectly fine -- as I said above, it's purely a matter of personal interpretation.

    GRUBBS -- of course, most people refer to Grubitsch by his nickname, which is pronounced pretty much as you see it, to rhyme with "hubs" or "cubs".

    GRETELDA -- is broken down as Greh-tell-dah. If I remember correctly, this was a play on the name "Gretel".

    DERVISH -- Der(rhymes with "sir")-vish(rhymes with wish). A "whirling dervish" is a member of a Sufi religious cult. They like to dance wildly to enter a trance-like state. There are also performers called "whirling dervishes" in the Middle East, who put on shows for foreign visitors (they usually perform on a double bill with a belly dancer). They spin around without pausing, and create beautiful, mind-boggling patterns by manipulating their loose layers of clothing. I've seen a couple in action and was mightily impressed (much more so than by the belly dancers I've seen!), so I decided to name Dervish in honour of them!!!

    CARCERY VALE -- Dervish's home village is pronounced Car-sir-ee Vale(rhymes with "pale"). I know, in the book, I said it was pronounced "Car-sherry" -- either is correct, but the one given here is more the way I say it to myself.

    LORD SHEFTREE -- the piranha-keeping tyrant should be pronounced Lord Shef(rhymes with "death")-tree.

    MEERA FLAME -- Meer(rhymes with "clear" or "peer")-ah Flame. She's named after a young cousin of mine whose name is pronounced the same but spelt Meara.

    DEMONATA -- the collective name for my charmling menagerie of demons should be said in the following manner -- Dee-mo-nah-tah. If you say it any other way, Lord Loss might appear in a puff of smoke in front of you and rip your tongue out!!!!!!!


    DEMON THIEF

    KERNEL FLECK -- Ker(rhymes with "sir)-nel(rhymes with "hell") Fleck(rhymes with "heck"). Another name whose origins I'm uncertain of. If I recall correctly, Kernel came before Cornelius -- the latter probably came from the "Planet of the Apes" movies!!!!

    PASKINSTON -- Pas-kins-ton. Named in honour of my editor, Stella Paskins!! Originally, in my earlier drafts, it was simply known as "the Village" and was a type of hippie commune. Stella convinced me that this approach wasn't working, and it should be an ordinary village with a real name -- hence Paskinston!!!!

    MRS EGIN -- Eegan(rhymes with "Regan" or "Keegan"). Named after a cousin of mine, Sharon Egin. (Her maiden name was MacKay -- her Dad was Davey, which is where Davey MacKay in "Lord Loss" came from!) It's actually a Turkish name, and in Turkey it's pronounced entirely differently!!! Sharon was a bit of a wild thing when she was younger, and her brother and sister always claimed she was a witch!! She's a lovely lady now, as meek and mild as anyone I know, but I thought it would be fun to pay homage to her wickeder days!!!!!!!!!

    CASPIAN -- Cash-pee-an. Named after the Caspian Sea, I suppose, though I don't know why!!!

    MELENA -- Muh-lee-nah. No idea where this one came from!!!! I often forget how I come up with names. That's part of the fun of writing for me -- the controlled chaos keeps things interesting!!

    BERANABUS -- Bur(rhymes with "fur")-an-ah-bus. Was considering "Barnabas" initially, but didn't feel that was quite right. (There's a Saint Barnabas, and I wanted my character to stand apart from all other names.) Finally came up with Beranabus. Wasn't 100% sure of it to begin with, but after a while it grew on me big-time, and noe it's one of my favourite names!!!!

    SHARMILA MUKHERJI -- Shar(rhymes with "car")-mill-ah Mook-er-jee. Sharmila is actually first mentioned in passing in "Lord Loss"!!!

    RAZ WARLO -- Raz(rhymes with "jazz") War-low.

    KALLIN -- the worm-like demons are pronounced Kal(rhymes with "pal")-in. But they don't really care how you say it -- they'll eat you raw regardless!!!!!


    SLAWTER

    LOCH & RENI GOSSEL -- Grubbs's new, wrestling-crazy friend is Lock Goss(rhymes with "moss")-ell. And his cute sister is Ren-ee. There will be more about the Gossels and Grubbs's other new friends later in the series ...

    JUNI SWAN -- the albino child psychologist working on the film set is Jew-nee Swan. Since I wrote this, I've read a few articles (tying in with "The Da Vinci Code") which criticise writers and film-makers for always casting albino characters as villains. I'm glad that kind-hearted Juni flies in the face of this criticism!!!

    KUK & KIK KANE -- the odd but harmless Kane twins answer (if they can be bothered!) to the names of Cook and Keek.

    TUMP, BO & ABE KOONIART -- the most obnoxious family in town!!! Daddy is Tump(rhymes with "bump"), the horrible girl is Bow and her sneery brother is Abe(rhymes with "babe") Koo-nee-art. But sometimes a cruel exterior can hide a surprisingly valiant heart ...

    VANALEE METCALF -- Bow's best friend is an empty-headed, spoilt, yellow-streaked girl called Van-ah-lee Met-Calf.

    CHAI -- Slawter's answer to Marcel Marceau is Chy(rhymes with "why").

    SUPATRA JAUN -- Sue-Pat-Rah Jawn(rhymes with "dawn") is a well-meaning but mild-tempered teacher who fails to exercise control in the classroom.

    CHUDA SOOL -- Chew-dah Sool(rhymes with "fool") is a sinister, eyebrow-less, immediately suspicious character. You can tell from the minute you see him that he's up to no good!!!!

    PRAE ATHIM -- pray you don't ever run into the cold-as-ice head of the Lambs, Pray Ah-teem.

    SALIT SMIT -- vain but nice child star, Sal-It Smit(rhymes with "fit"). Not a great actor, but he knows how to smile for the camera and make teenage girls go weak in the knees!!!

    EMMETT EIJIT -- Grubbs and Bill-E both like Em-Et Eee-Jit, but he's playing a character who is due to be eaten by a demon. Uh-oh!!!!!!!

    DAVIDA HAYM -- Dah-Vee-Dah Haym (rhyme with "game") is one of the world's foremost horror producers, writers and directors. She always pushes herself as hard as possible and is determined to make the most vicious, gory, horrifc, demonic film ever. No matter what the cost ...
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  • / Thin Executioner - Original Map
  • 25 June 2010
    This is the rough map which I originally drew to help me envisage the world of Makhras. I scribbled some notes on the map, to help me calculate distances and the time involved to cover them. These figures are not always accurate -- they served only a guideline to assist me when I was working on the book.
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  • / The Thin Executioner - Deleted Scenes
  • 07 May 2010
    [below are some scenes which i cut from the book during the editing process, mostly for reasons of pace; none of the following scenes are essential to the plot of the book, but they shed a little more light on the world on Makhras and the ways of its people]

    [this scene comes from early in the novel, a short paragraph which describe a bit more about the city of Wadi]
    The high maid Debbat Alg was watering flowers in one of her father’s gardens. Although Wadi rarely saw rain in summer, it was situated on the sea front, at the mouth of both the great river as-Sudat, and the as-Surout, so water was never scarce. This was why it had flourished as the capital of Abu Aineh, and as one of the great cities of the world. It was ideally placed for trade and the launching of war ships. The as-Sudat linked the city with most of Abu Aineh, as well as Abu Judayda, Abu Nekhele and Abu Saga. By sea they could sail to Abu Safafaha (not that anyone ever bothered!), Abu Saga, Abu Rashrasha and Abu Kheshabah, as well as several of the countries to the far south and north. Wadi was located in the geographical south-east of Abu Aineh, but it was the country’s commercial and cultural centre.

    [these paragraphs describe a bit more about the High Lord of Wadi and how he came by his position]
    The palace of the high lord and lady of Wadi was hundreds of years old, although many new buildings had been added to it during that time. It was a haphazard mix of old and new, carefully preserved show rooms filled with antiques, sleeping quarters, kitchens, slave cellars, dining rooms, dance halls, music auditoriums, several armoury rooms, a library, many offices where official business was conducted, and more. There was representative architecture from every era, and portraits of all the high lords and ladies hung on walls across the palace. No high lord or lady could remove any of the portraits, but they could move them around, so the etchings of more recent family members generally took pride of place, while older portraits were stuck away somewhere out of sight and out of mind.

    The current high family had been in control of Wadi for five generations. While the high lordship was usually passed on to the eldest male heir when a high lord died, the incumbent high lord had to be approved by a majority of the true families. After four years in office, the true families all voted. If eighty percent approved of the new high lord, his position was confirmed. But if seventy-nine percent or less approved, he was executed and the true families fought each other for the right of succession.

    The Algs were skilled politicians, and none of the Alg high lords had been objected to by more than eight percent of the true families of Wadi since they came to power. It was a time of great stability for the city. Some thought it would be this way forever, with the Algs in control and the true families obedient to each new high lord. But others knew that nothing in the universe lasts – except the gods – and this era would eventually pass. But it probably wouldn’t be in their lifetime, so very few worried about it — the distant future was the concern of Khor Al Ajram, the great snake god of time, not of mankind.


    [these paragraphs explain a bit more of the history of Abu Aineh, Abu Nekhele and Abu Judayda, and the relationships between the three nations]
    The journey north through Abu Aineh was as pleasant and easy-going as any traveller could have wished. Abu Aineh was a civilized, settled country. The Um Aineh were a war-like people, but it had been a long time since the high lords waged war on one another. Although there would always be internal political bickering and petty family feuds, there was simply too much wealth to go around for any of this to spin out of control — deep-rooted, divisive discontent was a thing of the past (and, in the minds of those who knew their history, the future).

    It was a time of stability. With their array of ships, the Um Aineh controlled the sea and most of the sea trade, and launched raids on countries to the south-west and north beyond the al-Meata. On the raids they stole crops, jewels and people. The crops they feasted upon, the jewels they admired or sold, and the people fed the beast that was the slave trade. There was a great need for slaves in Abu Aineh and Abu Saga.

    With the exception of the warriors and servants, few Um Aineh worked hard any more. No farmer tilled his land — it was easier and more efficient to use slaves. Houses, roads and ships were all built by slaves. Cleaning, cooking, weaving — the work of slaves. Some of the wealthier high families preferred servants, and there was still a tradition of service among a number of Um Aineh. But the opportunities for girls or boys like Bastina were lessening each year, and lots of poor Um Aineh now had to sell themselves into slavery or starve. Some Um Aineh said this was a problem which would lead to trouble one day, but most thought it was just the natural order of the universe — the strong got ahead, while the weak fell ever further behind.

    There had been no significant wars with neighbouring countries since the building of Abu Judayda. The city state had been built across the southernmost section of the Judayda Pass and peopled with an equal mix of um Aineh and Um Nekhele volunteers. The new race, the Um Judayda, broke all their ties and oaths to their sires, becoming a separate breed overnight. Old allegiances lingered for a decade or so, and many spies were weeded out and executed, but the volunteers quickly took to their new position, and no Um Judayda children now bore any love or loyalty for either of their nation’s founders. They were their own people, warriors every one, the thin dividing line between two ancient enemies.

    Before the founding of the city state, Abu Aineh and Abu Nekhele had always been at war, raiding up and down the Judayda pass, biting away at each other like a pair of savage tigers forever locked in combat. Contested land had been won and lost a hundred times over the centuries. At one time the Um Nekhele controlled all of the land south of the Judayda pass, down to the sea. They’d held it for three generations before being forced back. At another time the Um Aineh had controlled all of the land to the west of the as-Sudat, up as far as the al-Attieg. That had lasted less than a generation, but almost every living Um Aineh regarded those few decades as the golden age, the time when Makhras was theirs for the taking. They’d expanded north and west, taking over Abu Safafaha, Abu Saga, Abu Rashrasha, Abu Kheshabah and a number of other countries, before the eventual fall and retreat. In school, Jebel had been taught by one teacher that ambition had got the best of those great expansionists. If they hadn’t bothered with the northern and western countries, he claimed they would today be in command of Abu Nekhele and Abu Safafaha. But most teachers disagreed with him. Greed was considered an asset in Abu Aineh — those who reached highest were afforded the most respect.

    [this is a bit more about the town of Disi]
    Disi was a huge, sprawling, trade-centred city. It was built on the banks of the as-Disi, but stretched almost fifteen miles to the west, from where, by road, it was just another forty or so miles to the as-Sudat. The original intention had been to extend the city limits all the way west to the as-Sudat, to create one great city which linked the two rivers. But miners to the north were worried about the taxes such city adminstrators might impose. It was bad enough having to pay the Um Siq at the al-Attieg pass. The last thing they wanted was another checkpoint where they could be held to ransom. So they revolted and a brief civil war ensued. The um Disi might have been able to hold their own against their northern kin, but those of the southern nations were also reluctant to see the city expand, and made it clear that they were prepared to attack from the south if the miners asked for their aid. In the face of such a threat, the um Disi relented and construction ceased. The city hadn’t grown much in the centuries since, and though the docks on the as-Sudat had multiplied many times over, no actual town had formed there: all the workers and traders lived in Disi, where they commuted back to after a few weeks or months of shift work.

    Because of its immense size, Disi never felt crowded. The streets were wide, mansions were common, many houses were vacant. Some of the finest inns in Makhras were to be found here: this was where the miners came when they wanted to live glamourously for a while. It was rougher than the cities in Abu Aineh – Um Saga were a rowdy, unkempt lot, despite their wealth – but more elaborately decorated. It was a strange mix, where the rich brushed shoulders with the poor, where inns with gold toilet seats stood next to the lowest brothels imaginable. It was said that only the Um Saga could have built Disi, and it didn’t take Jebel a long time to understand exactly what that meant.

    [at one point in the editing process, i explored the possibility of changing the last chapter of the book; below, you can read that alternate ending; ultimately i decided to stick with my initial ending]
    Jebel was surprised to see the dour Bastina laughing, but her laugh made him chuckle too. He looked at Debbat Alg again and her furious expression made him laugh even louder. Looking around, he saw a similar expression on the faces of all the girls in the square and he almost collapsed with laughter. Couldn’t any except Bas and him see the joke? What a glum, moody, shallow bunch they were.

    Shaking his head, Jebel wiped tears of mirth from his eyes, then looked to where Debbat Alg and Bastina were standing. Pulling himself up as straight as he could, he pointed at the most beautiful girl in Wadi and said with all his heart, “I choose her — if she’ll accept me.”

    When the girl of his choice didn’t answer, only stared at him with wide, stunned eyes, Jebel strode across, went down on one knee, smiled up at her and said quietly, earnestly, with all the love in his heart, “I’m yours if you’ll have me — Bas.”

    THIRTY-EIGHT
    Years blew away like leaves in an autumn storm. Ten, fifteen, twenty. Jebel got older and taller, but never much fatter. He would always be a thin executioner. His wife said he’d be as thin as an insect until the day he died and he supposed she was right. She normally was.

    Wadi Alg never did find a law to oust Jebel Rum, and though he and his advisers debated the subject often and considered re-writing the laws, that would have been a dangerous move. Once a high lord started changing laws to suit himself – even when it was for the good of those he governed – people grew nervous and wondered what laws he’d focus on next. It was simpler to maintain the status quo and just grumble about Jebel along with everybody else.

    Jebel hadn’t missed a day’s work since winning the mukhayret. Every morning he turned up at the executioner’s platform and waited for that day’s criminals to be led forward. In the early years there had been many, and he’d offered his life for each, taking their place on the block, surviving the trio of blows and getting on with his job again. Many had tried to behead him – the high lord had offered great riches, as well as the position of executioner, to any who could rid the city of Jebel Rum – but none had succeeded.

    Of late, Jebel had less to do and was only occasionally called upon to place his head on the block. This wasn’t because crime had dropped in Wadi. On the contrary, it had increased sharply. The trouble with setting every criminal free after they’d been pardoned by Jebel was that many committed crimes again. Wadi had become a cesspit for a while, a beacon to all the thieves, rapists and murderers of Abu Aineh. They’d flocked to the city in droves, breaking the law on countless occasions, laughing as they walked free to do it again. Many deserved death and Jebel hated setting them free, but he was determined not to play judge. Besides, he had a hunch the chaos wouldn’t last, that his obstinacy would pay off quicker than anyone imagined. And that proved to be the case.

    When Wadi Alg was killed by an assassin who knew he couldn’t be punished, his replacement – not any of his sons, who’d all fled the city, but a member of another true family – was determined not to meet with the same fate. He made a pilgrimage to Jebel’s house and begged him to reconsider. The city had become a foul stain upon the landscape. Didn’t Jebel care? Wasn’t he concerned?

    Jebel said he was, but he wouldn’t kill. When the high lord lost his patience and demanded to know how Jebel suggested they put a stop to the madness, Jebel told him of the penal customs of other nations, how they built jails to lock up their criminals. The high lord protested – were the um Wadi to lower their standards and live like those of lesser nations? – but when he considered his options afterwards, he saw it was the only way forward.

    In the beginning nobody thought the prisons would work, but time had shown they did. If they were sturdily built and properly manned, escape was impossible, and if you sent a person there for the rest of their life, they ceased to be a problem. At first the judges of Wadi issued life sentences for every criminal but it soon became apparent that they couldn’t afford to house and feed so many people. So they took a more lenient approach and introduced shorter sentences for lesser crimes. Some suggested floggings or amputations, but those were the remit of the city’s executioner and Jebel refused all such requests point blank.

    It took a while, but gradually the prison system proved its worth, and had even been taken up by some other towns in Abu Aineh — by fining their wealthier miscreants and charging an exorbitant rent for their enforced stay, a prison could turn a profit, and no Um Aineh ever said no to a profit. Wadi still drew more lowlifes than it had before, but the streets were safe again and life was going on as normal — only without the executions.

    * * *

    Jebel finished breakfast at the start of another glorious day and bid farewell to Bas and the children he adored. They had eight of them, ranging in age from seventeen to three. An equal complement, four boys and four girls. Three were named after people he’d met on his journey north — Hubaira, Samerat, Ramman. Four had been named by his wife — Madhbah, Temenos, Farasa, Deir. And the one who’d been born first, of course, was Tel Hesani Rum.

    Jebel dealt with the children one by one, dismissing them with a short slap on the back or a kiss. When the last had been seen to, he turned to Bas, waiting for him as she always was, hands crossed across her chest, smiling that delightful little smile of hers. He’d thought her the most beautiful girl in Wadi when they married, and he still did.

    “Leaving me alone again, husband?” she said with mock formality.

    “Heads need chopping, wife,” Jebel said.

    They laughed and she threw herself into his arms and kissed him firmly. “I love you, Jebel,” she said, hugging him tight. It was something they never tired of saying to each other, and which neither thought they could ever say enough.

    “Of course you do,” Jebel smirked, kissing her nose and gently tweaking her ears. “I love you too, gorgeous. Now where’s my lunch — and have you polished my axe?” That was a standing joke between them. Jebel’s axe rarely needed polishing, since it had never been stained with blood. He carried it merrily over his shoulder as he set off for what would hopefully be another bloodless day at work, whistling a tune he’d picked up on the road to Tubaygat all those years before.

    Attitudes towards him had changed over time, and though many um Wadi still hated him, some admired him for his stand and waved to him as he passed or stopped to wish him good health. It was common for people to come to the square or to his house, to ask why he refused to kill. In response he’d tell them of his trip to Tubaygat (never relating his meeting with Sabbah Eid) and all the suffering he’d endured and witnessed. He said the world was harsh enough, without humans making it even harsher. Power should be used for good, not bad. The strong should help the weak, not exploit them.

    He was careful with his words, never saying outright that slaves should be set free or that the laws of Abu Aineh were unjust. If he gave his enemies the chance, they could demand his legal resignation. All Jebel did was tell his tale and answer questions gently and vaguely. He’d become quite a diplomat after so much practise and sometimes those with political leanings came to discuss affairs of state with him, to get his feedback and copy his mannerisms. If he’d wanted, he could have had a profitable career as an adviser to the high lord, but Jebel was content to be the executioner who did not execute. From here he could do his bit to change the world and work the most good.

    He strolled by the banks of the as-Surout on his way to the square, leaving the walls of Fruth – where his home was – far behind. He hadn’t chosen to live close to the slave quarters to make a statement — he simply wasn’t welcome in other parts of the city and hadn’t been able to buy a house anywhere except here. Not that he minded. He often entered Fruth to talk with and learn from those who came from lands outside Abu Aineh, and offer comfort where it was needed — “don’t despair, stay true to your faith, your day of freedom will come.”

    He thought of Rakhebt Wadak as he strolled by the river and wondered when his old friend would come calling for him. Not for many years, he hoped — there were a lot of necks he still wished to save. He smiled as he thought of all the things he’d be able to tell the boatman of death. He hoped Rakhebt Wadak picked him up well before his final moment or there wouldn’t be enough time to fit in even a tenth of it!

    Thinking of death made him think of his father, and that made Jebel sad. One of his few regrets was that he’d never been able to make peace with Rashed Rum. The old executioner died a couple of years after Jebel replaced him (some said of shame) without ever having come to see his son. J’Al and J’An both served in overseas regiments, not wishing to live anywhere near their despised brother. J’An had died young, of some disease or other. For many years Jebel heard nothing of J’Al, until he turned up one day, a year or so ago, scarred and crippled but with more of a glow about him than he’d ever had in his prime. He was tired of war, death and suffering, and wanted to work with Jebel. That had been one of Jebel’s happiest days ever.

    Jebel turned away from the river and moved in through the city streets to the square where he plied his trade. The crowds were a thing of the past — hardly anyone came to watch the executioner at work now, and the fashion-conscious youths had found other areas where they could be noticed. He washed dust and dirt from the platform in the early morning sun, cleaned bird droppings from the rusty executioner’s block, then settled back to bask in the sun and think about how good life was.

    Later, an Um Kheshabah slave was led to the platform by a glum guard. The slave had been sentenced to death for killing his master. Most murderers were now imprisoned for life, rather than sent to the block only to be set free. But this slave’s master had been a nasty piece of work, known for his short temper and vicious ways, regarded with contempt even by the more bloodthirsty um Wadi. The judge hadn’t said as much, but he believed the city was well rid of the tyrant, and it would be for the best if the slave was sentenced to death and let go free by Jebel.

    The guard was new and had been sent to the square by his superior officer as many young guards were. He bore no love for Jebel Rum, and prayed to the gods for the strength to overcome him and slice that hated head from its neck, though he had no faith that the gods would answer his prayer.

    Jebel noted the determination in the young guard’s eyes as he took the slave’s place on the block. He saw the way the guard hefted the axe and tested the blade. How he squinted at Jebel’s neck, carefully choosing his spot.

    Jebel knew he wasn’t immortal. He was aging the same as any man, and while his strength had yet to desert him, he knew that one day his powers would fade and he would have to heed the call of death the same as any mortal man. He believed he would die here when that day came, in the square, on the block. It would be a fitting end to his life, and he was not afraid of it. When he woke each morning, he acknowledged that the day might be his last, and when he returned home safely in the evening, he was always grateful.

    “Yes,” he thought as the guard raised the axe and held it high over Jebel’s neck, “I will die here one day. The blade will cut, blood will spurt and my head will roll.” Then he grinned as he heard the swish of the axe and felt a little blast of air on the back of his exposed neck. “But not today!”

    Thwack!

    THE END
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  • / Ayuamarca - Unpublished Prologue
  • 05 May 2010
    When I came to write the second draft of Ayuamarca, in 1994/1995, I expanded vastly on the first draft, almost doubling the length. I also added a prologue, which I later discarded — in fact, I forgot about it completely until I went back through my paperwork in preparation for work on this site! It’s easy to see why I never used this prologue — it presents too much information too fast, and would be very confusing for anyone unfamiliar with the story. But for those who have read the book, I think it provides another interesting insight into the world of the Cardinal and the Incas, albeit a not-fully-formed insight — this came from a time when I was still working on the dynamics of the plot and the powers of the blind priests, so some of the details here jar with later excerpts in the novels. Still, for the curious, here it is in its entirety, seeing life for the first time anywhere beyond the confines of my office. Enjoy!

    * * *

    The two brothers worked side-by-side in the depths of the building, all through the night, as they had since their hands had first been guided in the way of the lines by their father. They spoke little, only when necessary. When they did it was in a language long since vanished from common use, one kept alive by their family, passed down from generation to generation.

    The room was as dark and lifeless as their blind eyes. Symbols covered the walls, marks of suns and kings and gods remembered only in legends, if at all.

    Their fingers moved surely, subtly, twisting thin wires, moulding glutinous papier mache, snipping cloth. The frame came first, the body, the feet, the hands. Then the face, slowly, cautiously, their rough digits shaping the general features, their scalpels and hooks and scissors defining the finer angles and creases.

    As the brothers worked, another dreamed. He was linked to the two below, in ways none could explain. He was not of their flesh, not of their family, but he was of their world. His mind was their hands, his eyes their guide, his dreams their reality.

    The dreamer tossed, twitched, grunted in his sleep. The brothers paused in their work. This had happened before, often. He would lose interest, or would be distracted, and their work would have to be scrapped. In such cases the unfinished models fed the furnace and they would begin again, anew. They never complained or cursed on such occasions. It was the way.

    His body settled and the dream continued. One of the brothers, the elder of the two, grunted with satisfaction and began to apply the first coat of paint.

    Beyond the building, beyond their city, beyond the confines of mere physicality itself, a body began to form. Bones knit together, muscles and sinews stretched, grew, creaked and connected. Flesh began to creep, drawn from without, directed from within. Water collected in the rapidly forming eyes. Ears curled. Sexual organs unfurled and made the gender known. Inside, the caverns began to fill with organs and meat. Veins and arteries started to snake their way around the body, tunnelling through the flesh like ravenous worms.

    Back in the building the brothers had finished for the night. They laid their creation carefully to one side, returned their instruments to their rightful places, and took their own places on the two stools by the rear wall, where they sat, waiting. They never slept. Sleep was for others, not for the family.

    In the morning the dreamer came, his face bright, his hands sweaty with excitement. He greeted them warmly with the pet names he had long ago applied and asked how they were and how their work was going. They did not answer. He knew they would not. They never had before; there was no reason to expect they would now.

    He examined their work and muttered his approval. When he was through, the brothers left their stools and approached. Linking hands they formed a tight circle, held it for five punctual minutes, during which time the sons of the family chanted in words the other could not comprehend. Then the elder brother broke the circle, raised a hand to his mouth and bit gently into his thumb with his sharpened left incisor, drew blood, and smeared it across the left cheek of the model. His younger brother did likewise with his right incisor and the right cheek. The third, the dreamer, raised both his thumbs and offered them to the pair. They took the hard flesh and reverently sank their teeth in, taking great care not to taste of the blood or spoil it with their saliva. They pressed his thumbs together at the sides, making one single pointer of the two, then withdrew their hands and let him paint the forehead of the daubed figure, leaving his mark, the final key to the ancient code.

    After a brief pause the blood disappeared, sucked into the absorbent flesh. A second later the chest of the model began to throb. It produced a faint noise, tinny and regular. It sounded like rain striking the tiniest drum in the world. And at the same time the heart of the body began to beat and for the first time lungs filled, pupils dilated, blood flowed, and muscles flexed of their own accord.

    The dreamer, caressing the chest fondly, took possession of the warm model, left the brothers to their darkness and their stools, and returned to the upper world. It was a long way up from their depth to his height. It was an ascent they had never made, though he had often offered. The family preferred the darkness.

    Back in his world, in charge once again of his own domain, he lay the model with its companions, took his seat and stared out the window at the rising sun in anticipation. It was going to be a good day, he sensed. A day when anything could happen.

    Crossing his fingers, gingerly sucking the wounded thumbs, keeping his eyes on the sun, he leant back in his chair and braced himself for the wait. It wouldn’t be long.
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  • / Ayuamarca - Deleted Prologue
  • 05 May 2010
    When Procession of the Dead was first published in 1999 as Ayuamarca, it began with a prologue set in Macchu Picchu. This explained more about the Incas and why they set off in search of the City. While the prologue served an important purpose, I felt in retrospect that it was confusing and off-putting to new readers. I decided this time round to begin with Capac and thrust readers immediately into the action. But for those of you who wish to know more of those mysterious blind priests, here is the original prologue as it appeared in the first printing of the book.

    PROLOGUE : MACHU PICCHU

    In 1911 an American archaeologist called Hiram Bingham discovered a lost city amidst the cloudy heights of the Peruvian Andes. It had been built during the fifteenth century and abandoned around the time of the Spanish invasion. It was known as Machu Picchu.

    To this day, Machu Picchu remains an enigma. Nobody knows how the Incas - an illiterate race with no wheels, pulleys or horses - built such an architecturally astounding city high in the mountains, where air is thin and labour an unimaginable pain. How did they carve it out of rock? How did they feed and maintain the huge workforce which must have been required?

    Nor does anyone know why it was built. Was it a holiday retreat for royals living in nearby Cuzco? A sacred place of sacrifice for the Incan priests, known as villacs? Or simply a monument to the sun, which they worshipped?

    The greatest mystery of Machu Picchu, however, is not one of architecture or purpose. What has puzzled inquisitive minds the most down through the centuries is this: having gone to so much troubled effort to create one of the world’s most fantastic cities, why - after a mere fifty years - did its inhabitants abandon their paradise in the clouds? And where did they go?

    * * *

    The Watana gazed down at the glorious expanse of mountain and wondered if he could bring himself to leave. This was such a beautiful part of the Earth, above the world and men and their petty concerns. He believed he might rather throw himself on the distant rocks than walk away from this city which had cost them so much.

    He sighed deeply and began to ascend. These were troubling times, but should not have been. His Incan people had worked hard to make their territory safe. His predecessors - having been provoked - had learned the ways of war and shortly conquered their enemies, claiming vast stretches of land as their own. They had been fair with their subjects and ruled wisely. They had not grown opulent or greedy, or lost sight of the reasons they’d fought. The foundations had been lain for a long and magnificent empire, one which would last indefinitely and leave legacies which would live forever.

    Yet now, in their moment of triumph, a new threat had arisen, one which even the power of the Watana seemed helpless against. New men were coming to their land, men with pale faces and paler souls, with different gods and strange animals and fierce weapons. Men born of darkness. How were the sons of the sun supposed to combat forces of darkness? It was the question none could answer, the reason the Watana was so ill of spirit.

    Around him, the people of Machu Picchu went about their daily chores as though all was well with the world. It was a hard life in the mountains. Water and food had to be hauled up from the valleys far below and not a day went by without some minor crisis or another. Still, they were finished with the primary building. Those damned stones had almost been the death of the Watana and the two before him. The days and nights of sweat, conference, planning, creating …

    Was it to have been for nothing? Were they to be denied their time of contemplation and enjoyment of the city’s splendour after so much effort? It galled him to think it might be so.

    He passed a teacher on his way. The man was old and wizened with time and rough mountain air. His voice barely carried and the children had to huddle close to grasp his words.

    The Watana knew the teacher. He was a sun architect, one who had designed buildings in alignment with the projected rays of the sun’s yearly course. The Watana had sat at his feet many years before, as he had at the feet of many teachers. As the hitching post of the community, it was his place to learn as much of their ways as possible, to be in a position to pass judgment on virtually any matter.

    The teacher had boasted a name once, before coming to Machu Picchu. It was the Watana’s immediate predecessor who had banned names from the holy mountain, who had declared this a place of anonymity. The younger members of the mountain city had been born to namelessness, but those of the preceding generations had had to abandon theirs. The Watana tried remembering the teacher’s discarded name but could not. If he’d had time, he might have pursued the inquiry, but there were more important matters to be dealt with.

    The city was quiet at this time of year. In the warmer months, the leading families of Cuzco would wind their way up the steep mountain paths, to enjoy the fresh summer air, the clear sun, the voice of the gods. They would bring children and servants and names, and for a time the streets of the city would ring to alien sounds. But that was some way off yet. For the moment, it was only the regulars. The Watana, the villacs, their assistants, students and retainers.

    The platform surrounding the inti watana was deserted. Usually, with the gods of the sun about to speak, it would be crowded. But the Watana had ordered it cleared for today’s communication. This was a day of decision-making and he did not want distractions. He had heard his people speak and knew what their minds and hearts said. Now it was time to listen to those of the gods and his own.

    The bodies of the former Watanas encircled the platform, propped up on carefully carved thrones. When he died, he would join their ranks and the circle would tighten one body further. The dimensions of the circle had been carefully calculated by his ancestors, and the platform - first in Cuzco, later up here in Machu Picchu - had been designed accordingly. When the day came that no new bodies could be added, when the Watanas were pressed tightly together, shoulder-to-shoulder: that would be the final day of the empire, the final day of the villacs, when all would unravel.

    The Watana looked around at the vast spaces between his forebears and grunted with some measure of satisfaction. Whatever about Machu Picchu and their immediate future, it would be many years before they had to worry about the ultimate end.

    When he turned back towards the raised stone that was the inti watana, the hitching post of the sun, he saw the blind priest arriving. The man waved his retainers away before entering the circle. He was quite young for a villac, though it was hard to tell his exact age, what with the odd pale skin common to his kind.

    The Watana nodded sombrely. The priest acknowledged his presence with a vague sniff. The Watana could never master the snake-nest of nerves that his stomach became whenever he was around one of the sinister priests. Though he considered himself a member of the villacs, he knew he was only one by default, as every Watana was. The true clan members were the ones with bloodlines stretching back to before the advent of words, the ones with pale skin and blank eyes. Powerful as the Watana was, he was little more than one of their servants, as dependent on their whims as any ordinary Incan.

    “Will the sun speak today?” the Watana asked.

    “The sun will speak,” the priest replied.

    It was a simple, unnecessary ritual, but one they never neglected. Once, legend had it, a Watana tried asserting his will by using words of his own choosing. The twisted form in the throne to the Watana’s immediate left was warning enough of where such actions led.

    The villac moved forward assuredly and stepped up onto the flat stone top of the inti watana. The rock was probably inconsequential. One of the Watana’s teachers - one of the many history teachers of the tribe - had told him of a time when the priests had discoursed with the sun from flat, ordinary ground. The rock was a recent addition to the ceremony, introduced - so the Watana believed - to drive home the fact of the priests’ superiority. Most of them were quite short, but from the rock even the smallest of men was a giant to any others gathered on the platform.

    The villac spread his arms and tilted his head backwards, so his blank unseeing eyes were directed at the glaring sun. The Watana took a step closer, then lowered himself to his knees. He listened as the priest spoke to the sun in words he could not understand. Then he felt the hairs on his neck tingling. Seconds later, the rain fell.

    He never got used to the godly rain, the way it fell in a steady, limited, block-like pattern, always the same width and depth. Sometimes he imagined he could hear the musical voices of the gods in the sound of the drops as they struck stone, but he knew this was wishful thinking, that only the blessed villacs could make sense of the heavenly shower.

    The priest’s pose did not alter for several long moments. When his head finally fell forward again, the Watana could see the dark globes that his eyes had become, their white pits filled with the colour and wisdom of the gods of the sun.

    “In the beginning, we lived in the valleys,” the villac intoned in a dark, throbbing voice. “We worked the land and worshipped the gods and lived in peace. Others saw us and were jealous of our harmonic oneness with nature. They attacked and sought to drive us to extinction. They wished to steal our knowledge and tools and wisdom.

    “To protect our way of life, we learned to make war. Having put an end to the plans of our immediate enemies, we spoke to the gods and saw others in the future. To prevent their attacks, we struck first. Our Watanas formed leaders who took small but powerful armies to the north and south, subjugating all in their path. In time we controlled as much of the land as we wished, enough to ensure our empire’s long and prosperous life. To celebrate our success, we built this city in the sky, to be closer to the gods of the sun, that we might better hear their words and communicate.

    “This has angered the gods.” The Watana shifted uneasily at the accusation, even though he knew the decision to build in the summits had been the villacs’. “They have studied us and found us vain and overly proud. We are their chosen children and should behave with dignity. To punish us for our sins, they are sending the white man to destroy all we have built.”

    “This white man … He can do such a thing?” The Watana normally remained silent while the gods were speaking, but today he could not. There were questions that had to be answered.

    “The white men are to darkness as we are to light,” the villac said. “Where we made war to preserve peace, they made it to stimulate evil. While we stopped with enough, they go on, claiming more, desir-ing all. Had we remained true to our gods, they would have blinded the eyes of the white man: he would never have found his way across the giant sea. But now that he is here, he will never go back.”

    “Can we not fight?” the Watana asked.

    “The white man fights with the forces of darkness,” he was told. “To defeat him, we would have to embrace the dark. He uses weapons made of a hard, grey rock, which can kill from afar. He rides animals that move faster than men. He can sail the seas, moving from one end of the empire to the other in a matter of days.”

    “But if we kill their leaders …” the Watana suggested.

    “It will make no difference,” the blind priest sneered. “The white men do not pass on their knowledge through words. They do not store their wisdom in the heads of teachers. They use strange drawings to record all that they know.”

    “I do not understand,” the Watana confessed.

    “Imagine if you could take the entire learning of Machu Picchu and store it in the stone of the inti watana,” the priest explained. “You could then kill every teacher here, and it would make no difference. Their knowledge would live on, in the stone, ready to be brought back to life by any who wished.

    “The white men are not like us,” the villac said. “They do not store power in themselves. They place it outside their bodies, where it cannot be reached or destroyed. As long as one white man remains alive, their power lives on also. We cannot fight them. We cannot defeat them. We would have to kill every last white man to destroy the tribe, and that is impossible.”

    The Watana nodded sadly. It had never been put this bluntly to him before, but the circulating rumours had hinted at as much. “So what do we do?” he asked.

    “We leave,” the priest told him.

    “Leave Machu Picchu?” the Watana asked, his heart sinking.

    “Machu Picchu, yes,” the villac said. “But also the empire. We must prove to the gods that we are humble and worthy of their blessings. We must leave the beautiful lands and people and build a new city, one which will not drive the white man to murderous jealousy.”

    “What if I refuse to leave?” the Watana asked.

    The villac smiled unpleasantly. “You are the hitching post of the community,” he said. “As this rock draws the voices of the gods, so you draw the trust of the people of Machu Picchu. They follow where you lead. If you choose to stay, they will stay with you. But that way lies death. Death for you, for us, for the empire.”

    The Watana considered the priest’s words, then sighed and stood. “When should we leave?” he asked.

    “If the gods find us here when the sun rises, they will be displeased and shall withdraw their support,” came the answer.

    The rain stopped as quickly as it had started. The priest’s eyes closed and a look of pain crossed his face. When they opened again, they were blank once more. He stepped down from the stone and almost stumbled. The Watana steadied him.

    “What advice did the gods bestow upon you?” the villac asked. They always emerged confused from their conversations with the gods. Later he would remember, but for the time being his mind was as blank as his eyes.

    “They said we must leave,” the Watana replied.

    The villac grunted. “I thought as much. Many denied it, but I knew it must be. Coming up here was a mistake. When do we leave?”

    “Tonight,” the Watana said.

    “So soon?” the priest asked, surprised. “Can we not wait and -”

    “Any found here by the gods tomorrow will be damned and forsaken,” the Watana interrupted. “Your own lips pronounced it so. I leave with the setting of the sun. Follow or stay, as you wish.”

    He left the priest. He should have remained for the closing rite, but he had lost patience with the villacs and their rituals. It was their fault the white men were coming. They were the ones who urged the building of the mountain city, who demanded a special retreat for their unnatural clan. If not for them, all would have been smooth and the empire would have stood as it was.

    The Watana hurried down into the city of Machu Picchu to spread the word. His people would not like it, but they would follow. To disobey the Watana was to disobey the gods themselves, and nobody was that foolish.

    He paused on an overhanging precipice and gazed one last time at the mountains he had come to know as home. He could feel the world pulsing through the soles of his feet, and almost sense every falling pair of footsteps in the world below, every child’s cry, every labouring man’s heaving grunt. They were familiar sounds, but now, as he listened, he heard new noises: hands which made thunder when they clapped, rocks which screamed as they flew through the sky and shattered the world to pieces when they fell; he heard strange voices, the clopping sound of animals who wore shoes; sharp, sparking clashes as grey rock was struck with other grey rock, and then a duller sound as it was violently embedded in flesh.

    The Watana shivered and retreated from the precipice’s edge, tears in his eyes and fear in his heart.

    That night, as he led his people from their delicately balanced city in the sky, to a world lowly and dirty, a future bleak and uncertain, he looked ahead and wept for those Watanas yet to come. Would any know peace and beauty as he had? He feared not. As hard as leaving was, at least he had known the heavens, had moved through the clouds and felt the touch of the gods. What lay ahead for his unfortunate successors, apart from struggle and torment and pain?

    “Sons, I pity you,” he muttered, eyes cast on the city one final time. “What joys can possibly await you in this desolate land? There can be only suffering and death.” He shook his head miserably, then turned from the towering walls of Machu Picchu and led his people north, through the night, across the land, into countries and cities foreign and strange.
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  • / Ayuamarca - Deleted Scene
  • 05 May 2010
    When Procession of the Dead was first published in 1999 as Ayuamarca, there was a scene where the Cardinal explained to Capac how he played the stock market so skillfully. I decided, when revisiting the book, that the scene was a bit too ridiculous, so I altered it extensively. This is how it originally appeared.

    “Alright, I’ll let you in on my stock market secret. But heed this, Mr Raimi: this is for your ears only. I have been king of the market for the better part of a decade and a half. My prowess is the envy of brokers the world over. There are men who would pay any amount you asked for my secret, bankers who’d go down on their knees for it. The fact that Inti Maimi imparted such a secret so carelessly worries me, and there shall be an enquiry into the matter. Steps shall be taken. I’d advise you not to get too close to that particular fallen angel in the near future. But, now that the cat is out of the bag, why not? I’m sure you’re just the man to appreciate it. Follow me.”

    He led the way out of the office, past the receptionist and the waiting crowd, to the elevator shaft (only one of the fleet’s lifts stopped here). He pressed a button and the doors slid open seconds later. We stepped in. “Six,” he growled at the shivering attendant. We descended.

    Downstairs, after a short walk, during which everybody we met scurried to get out of our way, we arrived at a large set of sliding doors. The Cardinal tapped a code into the console to one side. The doors opened and we entered. We were in a long room with two simple benches stretching along both sets of walls. Several men and women were sitting quietly, some together, some alone. They were low-lifes, tramps and hobos and the like, dirty and unwashed. Only their feet were clean.

    The Cardinal walked past, blind to their presence, till we reached another set of doors at the far end. He tapped in a set of numbers. The latch on the door clicked open but he paused before entering. “Do you have a sensitive nose?” he asked.

    “Not particularly,” I said.

    “In any case, be prepared, Mr Raimi. This room is possibly the foulest on the face of the Earth. Have your fingers ready to clamp your nose shut. OK?”

    “OK.”

    He opened the door, we scurried in, and he shut it rapidly.

    He hadn’t been joking. The room carried the most disgusting stench it had ever been my misfortune to encounter. Rotten eggs, diarrhoea, manure, vomit: none could compete, even bunched together. My hands flew to my nose quickly and I found myself gasping for breath and blinking the tears from my eyes.

    “What the fuck is it?” I managed to croak. The Cardinal smiled and pointed round the room in answer.

    Four people in gas masks were sitting at desks near the walls. They had sheets of paper in front of them, which they scrolled down constantly, never looking up. In the middle of the room a tramp was sitting at a small table, full of all kinds of dishes which he was happily sampling. His trousers had been pulled down around his knees and his unattractive bottom hung over the rear of the chair. As I watched I saw his cheeks bulge and the sound of an almighty fart tore the air apart. The covered figures at the desk reacted quickly, their hands flying to computer terminals, fingers tapping madly.

    “What is this shit?” I shouted.

    The Cardinal laughed. “Some years ago,” he said, “I was thumbing through the market reports when I suddenly let rip with the strongest fart this body of mine has ever mustered. It was horrible. I had to open the window before I dared breathe. It -

    “But enough of that. The point is, as I stood there, breathing in the fresh air, waiting for the fumes to clear, I was struck by a notion. It was ludicrous, but I’ve made more than one fortune betting on the insane outsider, so I decided to test it.

    “I returned to my desk, found the name of the company I had been studying when the wind broke, and bought up every share I could. They were a tiny operation, not very successful, going nowhere. They -”

    “I’m sorry,” I said, “but can we step outside? I’m going to gag if we stay here a minute longer.”

    “Of course, Mr Raimi. How inconsiderate of me.” He led the way out. When we were back in the waiting room he spoke in a low voice, so the other tramps could not hear. “But then, Mr Raimi, this company hired a new kid fresh out of college. It turned out he was something of a genius, full of ideas. He turned them round completely. I forget what field they were in, but they were soon dominating whatever it was and I made more money than even I care to think about.”

    “I don’t believe this,” I said, shaking my head.

    “Nevertheless …”

    “Let me guess. You made a practice of this. You based all your stock market deals on how your sphincter performed. You found it worked. Every time you went through a list of names and produced a tiny fart, you invested cautiously. A big fart: a big investment. A huge whopper and you threw in everything you had. Then you got tired of flapping your cheeks and decided to see if it worked with others. You found it did, so you brought in the most flatulent bums you could find and set them to work. And you’ve been milking their holes dry ever since.

    He was grinning with delight. “You have such a way with words,” he complimented me. “Have you ever considered poetry, Mr Raimi, as a means of earning a living?”

    “I don’t believe it,” I said again. “This is a hoax. You set this up to put one over on me.”

    “You were the one who raised the subject,” he reminded me.

    “But … I didn’t …It couldn’t … It really works?”

    He shrugged philosophically. “Not all the time. Nothing is fool-proof. But I’ve ruled the market for years. I’m the best there is. Ask anyone.”

    “Do they know what they’re doing?” I nodded at the figures spread along the benches.

    “No. Only those who monitor know. And they are paid momentous sums to keep it to themselves.” He slapped my back and started back for the lift. “And that concludes the story of the stocks and the farts,” he said. “Did you enjoy it, Mr Raimi? Was it all you had hoped for?”

    “You’re a crazy man,” I laughed, only half joking.

    “In a crazy world,” he said, “isn’t that the best qualification there is?”
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  • / Hell’s Horizon - First notes - page 2
  • 05 May 2010
    On this page you can find a scan of the second page of the first set of notes which I wrote up for Hell’s Horizon, back in September 1995 when I started work on the first draft of the book. As you’ll see, this was a VERY different beast to the finished novel! In the beginning I didn’t have any great plans for the story. It was meant to be a bit of a fun, a learning exercise more than anything else. I liked detective novels, writers such as Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett and Mickey Spillane, and I wanted to write a book in that mould, fast, trashy, vulgar, full of wisecrack comments. I found out, through writing, that I wasn’t any good at those types of stories, and the book ended up undergoing a transformation to become something in my own personal style. But this is how it was initially conceived back in those early days of my career.

    It's interesting to compare these notes with the notes I wrote up for Ayuamarca. As you’ll see, as brief as this plot outline is, it’s still a lot more detailed than those I jotted down for Ayuamarca. I was beginning to realise that the more work I put into a book in advance, the easier it would be to write. I ended up writing loads more pages of notes for this book before I was done with it — in fact I think I probably learnt more about the plotting process from my work on Hell’s Horizon than I did on any other novel. This was a HUGE book for me, in terms of learning and developing and finding my own style and voice.
    Return to listing
  • / Ayuamarca - Early Notes
  • 05 May 2010
    One of the pieces of advice I give to young authors is to plot out a book as clearly as you can — if you have a clear idea of where you want to go with a story, it makes the actual job of writing a whole lot easier. But it’s advice I didn’t follow myself when I was starting out — I often worked from the barest of notes. On this page you can find all the notes I used when writing the first draft of Ayuamarca. As you can see, they’re fairly skimpy! On top is a short message on a postcard, my way of summarising the book — this was what I used to show my friends when they asked what I was working on. Beneath that, on the left, is a brief list of what I roughly planned to include in each chapter. On the right is a list of some scenes I wanted to include — some made the final cut, some didn’t. And at the bottom is a list of character names, most of which I used, but some I didn’t.I wouldn’t recommend anyone to work in this way — it makes life much more complicated than it needs to be. But at the same time, it worked for me at the time, so I guess I can’t be TOO critical!!!
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  • / Hell’s Horizon - First notes - page 1
  • 05 May 2010
    On this page you can find a scan of the first page of the first set of notes which I wrote up for Hell’s Horizon, back in September 1995 when I started work on the first draft of the book. As you’ll see, this was a VERY different beast to the finished novel! In the beginning I didn’t have any great plans for the story. It was meant to be a bit of a fun, a learning exercise more than anything else. I liked detective novels, writers such as Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett and Mickey Spillane, and I wanted to write a book in that mould, fast, trashy, vulgar, full of wisecrack comments. I found out, through writing, that I wasn’t any good at those types of stories, and the book ended up undergoing a transformation to become something in my own personal style. But this is how it was initially conceived back in those early days of my career.

    It's interesting to compare these notes with the notes I wrote up for Ayuamarca. As you’ll see, as brief as this plot outline is, it’s still a lot more detailed than those I jotted down for Ayuamarca. I was beginning to realise that the more work I put into a book in advance, the easier it would be to write. I ended up writing loads more pages of notes for this book before I was done with it — in fact I think I probably learnt more about the plotting process from my work on Hell’s Horizon than I did on any other novel. This was a HUGE book for me, in terms of learning and developing and finding my own style and voice.
    Return to listing
  • / Hell’s Horizon - Prologue
  • 05 May 2010
    When Hell’s Horizon was first published back in February 2000, it opened with a prologue set when Al Jeery was a baby. I thought the prologue was an interesting place to start, and it gave an early indication that Al was special, that he was linked in with the Incans. I felt that the book needed that early mystical indicator, to show that it was going to be rooted in a fantastical world. When I returned to it years later, to revise it for the new edition, I decided to cut out the prologue, as I felt it made for a slow, confusing start. But for those of you who are interested, and who want to know a bit more about how Al got his start in life, here you go!


    Lorna Jeery’s head felt as though it was home to a hive of bees. Migraines were nothing new - she’d suffered with headaches most of her life - but lately they’d been intensifying. Her GP sympathised but could offer no reasons for the severity of the attacks or proffer a cure. His sage-like advice had been to take an aspirin when the pain was at its peak, lie down in a dark room, breathe deeply and think positive thoughts.

    Easy to say when you weren’t tied to a demanding child. Al was a good kid and slept soundly by night, but that meant he was lively by day. Meditative breaks were not an option.

    She’d asked Tom to stay home and help, but he’d laughed and told her to grow up. He put money on the table every week and saw to all her material needs. His responsibilites were covered.

    Al gurgled and shook his rattle at her. Lorna smiled, reached down to wipe drool from his chin, adjusted his cap to keep the sun out of his eyes, then carried on walking.

    It was a beautiful spring day, the warmest of the year so far. She was looking forward to summer. She’d bought loads of fancy costumes for Al and loved the idea of parading him around. They’d moved to a new neighbourhood during the fall and she hadn’t had time to make new friends yet. She’d been holed-up with Al. It would be nice to get out of the house and introduce herself and Al to the locals.

    “Myself and Al,” Lorna murmured, smiling. She was still getting used to the idea of motherhood. Things had progressed so quickly. She’d only known Tom a couple of months when she fell pregnant. She’d worried about his reaction - Tom was a strange, moody man - but he’d been supportive and had volunteered to make an honest woman of her.

    And here she was, Al nearly a whole year old, in a new home, a new role, a new life, and it all seemed to be happening to someone else.

    Not that she regretted it. Sure, a few more years of freedom would have been nice, and there were times when she envied her friends and the fast lives they led. But she wouldn’t give up Al (or Tom) for anything.

    If only these damned migraines weren’t tormenting her.

    She sighed and pushed on for the drugstore. She still had a pack and a half of aspirin back home, but wanted to stock up, in case the good weather passed and she found herself housebound. Tom was away on business, and although she could call her mother over if she wanted someone to babysit, she didn’t like to impose. Her family disapproved of Tom Jeery - personal dislikes aside, he was Black, and her parents were strong closet racists - and relations between them had been strained since she eloped to marry him without their consent.

    At the drugstore she parked the pushchair to the left of the door and checked on Al. She could have pushed him inside, but the aisles were narrow and the attendants always frowned and served in icy silence when women came in with prams or pushchairs. She considered lifting him out of the chair and carrying him in, but it was a lovely day and it seemed a shame to deny him the sun.

    Lorna glanced cautiously up and down the street. She wouldn’t leave her baby unattended if there was the slightest chance that he might be interfered with. But the paths were largely deserted. A couple of young kids were fooling about with a skateboard. An old lady was walking a shaggy poodle across the way. And a teenage, ginger haired girl in denim shorts and a loose T-shirt was ambling along towards the store, whistling an Elton John tune.

    “You’ll be safe enough,” Lorna told Al, taking her purse out of her handbag and checking to make sure she had change. “Don’t go nowhere, OK?” Al gurgled as if he understood. Lorna laughed, shoved her handbag down under Al’s layers of blankets - sun or not, she wasn’t going to risk him catching a cold - and headed into the store.

    As soon as the door had swung closed behind Lorna, the ginger haired girl in the denim shorts and T-shirt rushed forward. She paused by the pushchair, checked to make sure no one was watching, grabbed the handle, pushed quickly past the store window, hurried to the end of the street, turned right and ran.

    Al screamed as he was roughly bounced about and made plaintive “Ah-Ah” sounds, the closest he could get to “Mama”. The girl ignored him and concentrated on her route. She’d been waiting months for a chance like this. She wasn’t going to waste it. The priests would take an unfavourable view if she screwed up.

    Several sharp turns later, she found herself in a shady alley, one of their pre-arranged meeting places. Hurrying to the fourth door on her left, she pounded on it five times with the palms of her hands. The response was immediate. The door flew open and a bald man dressed in white robes stepped partially out.

    “You have the child?” he asked in the foreign language which the girl had spent the last several years learning to master.

    She nodded. “His mother’s in a drugstore. It won’t be long before she discovers he’s missing.”

    “We do not need much time,” the priest said, and stepped all the way out into the open. The girl could see his blind white eyes now, and a large mole on the left side of his chin. All the white-robed priests were blind. She wasn’t sure if they were born that way, or if their eyes were destroyed when they were children, or if they volun-tarily surrendered their sight. There was much she didn’t know about them, much they chose to conceal.

    The girl undid the straps of the pushchair and helped the priest undress the baby. When Al was naked, the priest held him under one arm and strode out to the centre of the alley. The girl followed, but at a distance.

    A small whitish stone was set in the middle of the road. The priest stepped onto it - the girl didn’t know how they found their way around so surely despite their blindness - and raised the naked baby high above his head. Al struggled vainly and went on screaming for his mother.

    The priest began to chant, words which even the girl’s attuned ear could make no sense of. As he chanted, rain started to fall, a box of contained silver streaks, as though a rectangle had been cut out of the clouds.

    As rain fell upon the pair, the eyes of the blind priest glowed. His lips trembled, then stopped moving. Above him, the baby splutt-ered and tried to turn his face away from the downpour.

    The girl watched the eyes of the priest become two pools of white fire. She had been told of the rain of the villacs but had never seen it before. According to the priests, this was the sun god’s way of communicating with them. She hadn’t previously believed in sun gods and heavenly hotlines, but now that she was faced with the rain she began to wonder.

    Al had stopped fighting and no longer sought to turn away from the rain. He was staring up at the sky, eyes unblinking, as still and mute as the blind priest beneath him.

    They stood like that for half a minute. Then the priest lowered the baby and fixed his blind gaze upon it. The girl, watching from outside the shower, noted that the baby’s eyes were also glowing, but there was a yellowish-red tint to the light in Al’s eyes.

    The priest held Al in his left hand while pressing the fingers of his right to the baby’s glowing eyes. Al didn’t flinch at the touch, even though the fingers seemed to press against the corneas. After a few seconds, the priest let go. His fingers came away red, as though stained with blood, but the child did not act distressed.

    The rain ceased, the lights faded in the eyes of boy and man, and after a few dazed seconds the villac shook his head and stepped off of the stone. Handing the baby back to the girl, he told her to dry him off and dress him.

    “Did I bring the right one?” the girl asked, using a blanket from the pushchair to dry the baby, now filled with an eerie calm.

    “Yes,” the priest sighed, rubbing the mole on his chin, which was wet from the rain.

    “What will I do with him?” the girl enquired, slipping him back into his nappy, then reaching for his clothes.

    “Leave him,” the priest instructed. “Take the woman’s handbag and anything else of value.”

    “Did I do well?” the girl asked, desperate for a compliment.

    “You did, Valerie.” The priest smiled and took his leave of her, exiting the alley via the door through which he’d entered.

    Valerie got Al dressed and back in his pushchair. He was starting to stir anxiously again. Valerie ran the blanket over his head of thick black hair, then took the handbag, blankets and some of the toys, and ran, the praise of the villac still ringing in her ears.

    Minutes later, an hysterical Lorna Jeery spotted the pram as she raced past the alley, came to a halt and stumbled slowly towards it, fearing the worst.

    The feeling in her stomach when she came out of the drugstore and discovered the pram was missing had been worse than any headache. She would have screamed, except her throat had constricted and she couldn’t summon the air.

    After a terrifying couple of seconds she’d hurried across the road and caught the old woman walking the dog. Had she seen anyone passing with a pushchair? No. She looked for the teenager but found no trace of her. The two children had also moved on but she found them further ahead and pressed them for information. They claimed ignorance at first, but then one said he’d seen a ginger haired woman with a baby. When Lorna asked which way she’d gone, he grinned and rubbed his fin-gers together. In a panic, she rooted through her purse, grabbed a handful of notes and thrust them into his hands. Unable to believe his luck, he’d not only told her where the woman had gone, but took her back to show her the way.

    Dreadful minutes had followed, during which she ran up and down various streets, asking questions of everyone she saw, eyes peeled for anything that looked remotely like a pushchair. She’d been on the verge of abandoning the chase to call the police when she chanced upon the alley.

    Lorna was sure Al had either been abducted or killed. The silence as she drew nearer seemed proof of her horrible fears. Her conviction was so fierce that when she drew close enough to the pushchair to peer in, she failed to notice Al and almost ran to phone the police. Then her eyes focused on the dark brown baby, she realized Al was present and alive, and relief flooded her system.

    Tearing off the straps, she picked Al up and proceeded to sob over him, kissing his head and face, moaning thankfully. Al, not sure what to make of all the fuss, giggled and pulled her hair.

    Once she’d calmed down, Lorna noted the missing handbag and blan-kets. The blankets didn’t matter but the handbag was full of personal items and credit cards. She considered alerting the police but she knew from experience how futile that was. Simpler to contact her bank and cancel the cards direct, and write-off everything else.

    Grumbling to herself, she strapped Al back into his pushchair, swivelled around and started for home.

    As she walked, the full force of her migraine returned, and she grimaced against the pain. She looked for her aspirin - she’d have swallowed them dry - but she’d dropped the paper bag they’d been in. She could have gone back to find the aspirin or buy more, but after her scare she wanted to get home as quickly as possible. She had a pack and a half of aspirin to fall back on. She could come out again later for fresh supplies, or in the morning.

    As she headed back, wincing from the headache, she glanced down at Al, and what she saw in his eyes caused her to slow, then come to a stop. It must have been a trick of the sun, but she could have sworn she’d seen flickers of reddish light in his eyes. While she stood, frowning, the effect multiplied, and it was as though his eyes had become two burning candles.

    Staring wordlessly, she lost herself in the lights, and minutes passed unheeded, Lorna standing like a statue over the pram, Al gazing up at her with the solemn wisdom of one far older.

    Finally, the lights dimmed, the day resumed its shape, and Lorna pushed on, swiftly forgetting about the sparks in her son’s eyes. She was almost home before realizing that her headache had mysteriously passed. Later that week she bought several packets of aspirin to keep her going for the next few months. She needn’t have bothered: from that day on, Lorna Jeery never suffered from migraines again. Their complete disappearance puzzled her, and she sometimes wondered if she should check with a doctor to make sure she was OK, but she didn’t have time to brood over the nature of her blessing or go traipsing off to doctors. Her days were full. She had a growing boy to take care of. Her little Al …
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  • / Hell’s Horizon - Original opening - Page 2
  • 05 May 2010
    The first draft of Hell’s Horizon was radically different to the finished book. Not only was the story a lot simpler, but the style was far more clumsy. I was 23 years old when I started work on the book, in September 1995, and I still had a LOT to learn about how to write. I know that young writers sometimes lose heart when they compare their work to that of their favourite authors, so I thought it might give them renewed hope if I gave them a look at what my work was like at an earlier, less polished stage. Therefore, I’m posting scans of the first three chapters of the original draft of Hell’s Horizon, written in September 1995.

    I’m sure that a lot of writers wince when they read through their early work, and are glad it was never put in front of the public. But I think it’s helpful to developing writers to let them know that we were once in the same position that they are. You don’t come into this world ready to write, with the skills needed to churn out a book as soon as you feel like doing so. You have to work hard, play around with styles and forms and ideas, and find your way. You learn and grow only by trying and failing, making mistakes and writing poorly. The following pages are piss-poor, but without them, I couldn’t have taken the story forward and developed it the way I did. These rough, rushed pages were the foundation stones for everything that followed.
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  • / Hell’s Horizon - Original opening - Page 7
  • 05 May 2010
    The first draft of Hell’s Horizon was radically different to the finished book. Not only was the story a lot simpler, but the style was far more clumsy. I was 23 years old when I started work on the book, in September 1995, and I still had a LOT to learn about how to write. I know that young writers sometimes lose heart when they compare their work to that of their favourite authors, so I thought it might give them renewed hope if I gave them a look at what my work was like at an earlier, less polished stage. Therefore, I’m posting scans of the first three chapters of the original draft of Hell’s Horizon, written in September 1995.

    I’m sure that a lot of writers wince when they read through their early work, and are glad it was never put in front of the public. But I think it’s helpful to developing writers to let them know that we were once in the same position that they are. You don’t come into this world ready to write, with the skills needed to churn out a book as soon as you feel like doing so. You have to work hard, play around with styles and forms and ideas, and find your way. You learn and grow only by trying and failing, making mistakes and writing poorly. The following pages are piss-poor, but without them, I couldn’t have taken the story forward and developed it the way I did. These rough, rushed pages were the foundation stones for everything that followed.
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  • / Hell’s Horizon - Original opening - Page 1
  • 05 May 2010
    The first draft of Hell’s Horizon was radically different to the finished book. Not only was the story a lot simpler, but the style was far more clumsy. I was 23 years old when I started work on the book, in September 1995, and I still had a LOT to learn about how to write. I know that young writers sometimes lose heart when they compare their work to that of their favourite authors, so I thought it might give them renewed hope if I gave them a look at what my work was like at an earlier, less polished stage. Therefore, I’m posting scans of the first three chapters of the original draft of Hell’s Horizon, written in September 1995.

    I’m sure that a lot of writers wince when they read through their early work, and are glad it was never put in front of the public. But I think it’s helpful to developing writers to let them know that we were once in the same position that they are. You don’t come into this world ready to write, with the skills needed to churn out a book as soon as you feel like doing so. You have to work hard, play around with styles and forms and ideas, and find your way. You learn and grow only by trying and failing, making mistakes and writing poorly. The following pages are piss-poor, but without them, I couldn’t have taken the story forward and developed it the way I did. These rough, rushed pages were the foundation stones for everything that followed.
    Return to listing
  • / Hell’s Horizon - Original opening - Page 3
  • 05 May 2010
    The first draft of Hell’s Horizon was radically different to the finished book. Not only was the story a lot simpler, but the style was far more clumsy. I was 23 years old when I started work on the book, in September 1995, and I still had a LOT to learn about how to write. I know that young writers sometimes lose heart when they compare their work to that of their favourite authors, so I thought it might give them renewed hope if I gave them a look at what my work was like at an earlier, less polished stage. Therefore, I’m posting scans of the first three chapters of the original draft of Hell’s Horizon, written in September 1995.

    I’m sure that a lot of writers wince when they read through their early work, and are glad it was never put in front of the public. But I think it’s helpful to developing writers to let them know that we were once in the same position that they are. You don’t come into this world ready to write, with the skills needed to churn out a book as soon as you feel like doing so. You have to work hard, play around with styles and forms and ideas, and find your way. You learn and grow only by trying and failing, making mistakes and writing poorly. The following pages are piss-poor, but without them, I couldn’t have taken the story forward and developed it the way I did. These rough, rushed pages were the foundation stones for everything that followed.
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  • / Hell’s Horizon - Original opening - Page 4
  • 05 May 2010
    The first draft of Hell’s Horizon was radically different to the finished book. Not only was the story a lot simpler, but the style was far more clumsy. I was 23 years old when I started work on the book, in September 1995, and I still had a LOT to learn about how to write. I know that young writers sometimes lose heart when they compare their work to that of their favourite authors, so I thought it might give them renewed hope if I gave them a look at what my work was like at an earlier, less polished stage. Therefore, I’m posting scans of the first three chapters of the original draft of Hell’s Horizon, written in September 1995.

    I’m sure that a lot of writers wince when they read through their early work, and are glad it was never put in front of the public. But I think it’s helpful to developing writers to let them know that we were once in the same position that they are. You don’t come into this world ready to write, with the skills needed to churn out a book as soon as you feel like doing so. You have to work hard, play around with styles and forms and ideas, and find your way. You learn and grow only by trying and failing, making mistakes and writing poorly. The following pages are piss-poor, but without them, I couldn’t have taken the story forward and developed it the way I did. These rough, rushed pages were the foundation stones for everything that followed.
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  • / Hell’s Horizon - Original opening - Page 8
  • 05 May 2010
    The first draft of Hell’s Horizon was radically different to the finished book. Not only was the story a lot simpler, but the style was far more clumsy. I was 23 years old when I started work on the book, in September 1995, and I still had a LOT to learn about how to write. I know that young writers sometimes lose heart when they compare their work to that of their favourite authors, so I thought it might give them renewed hope if I gave them a look at what my work was like at an earlier, less polished stage. Therefore, I’m posting scans of the first three chapters of the original draft of Hell’s Horizon, written in September 1995.

    I’m sure that a lot of writers wince when they read through their early work, and are glad it was never put in front of the public. But I think it’s helpful to developing writers to let them know that we were once in the same position that they are. You don’t come into this world ready to write, with the skills needed to churn out a book as soon as you feel like doing so. You have to work hard, play around with styles and forms and ideas, and find your way. You learn and grow only by trying and failing, making mistakes and writing poorly. The following pages are piss-poor, but without them, I couldn’t have taken the story forward and developed it the way I did. These rough, rushed pages were the foundation stones for everything that followed.
    Return to listing
  • / Hell’s Horizon - Original opening - Page 5
  • 05 May 2010
    The first draft of Hell’s Horizon was radically different to the finished book. Not only was the story a lot simpler, but the style was far more clumsy. I was 23 years old when I started work on the book, in September 1995, and I still had a LOT to learn about how to write. I know that young writers sometimes lose heart when they compare their work to that of their favourite authors, so I thought it might give them renewed hope if I gave them a look at what my work was like at an earlier, less polished stage. Therefore, I’m posting scans of the first three chapters of the original draft of Hell’s Horizon, written in September 1995.

    I’m sure that a lot of writers wince when they read through their early work, and are glad it was never put in front of the public. But I think it’s helpful to developing writers to let them know that we were once in the same position that they are. You don’t come into this world ready to write, with the skills needed to churn out a book as soon as you feel like doing so. You have to work hard, play around with styles and forms and ideas, and find your way. You learn and grow only by trying and failing, making mistakes and writing poorly. The following pages are piss-poor, but without them, I couldn’t have taken the story forward and developed it the way I did. These rough, rushed pages were the foundation stones for everything that followed.
    Return to listing
  • / Hell’s Horizon - Original opening - Page 6
  • 05 May 2010
    The first draft of Hell’s Horizon was radically different to the finished book. Not only was the story a lot simpler, but the style was far more clumsy. I was 23 years old when I started work on the book, in September 1995, and I still had a LOT to learn about how to write. I know that young writers sometimes lose heart when they compare their work to that of their favourite authors, so I thought it might give them renewed hope if I gave them a look at what my work was like at an earlier, less polished stage. Therefore, I’m posting scans of the first three chapters of the original draft of Hell’s Horizon, written in September 1995.

    I’m sure that a lot of writers wince when they read through their early work, and are glad it was never put in front of the public. But I think it’s helpful to developing writers to let them know that we were once in the same position that they are. You don’t come into this world ready to write, with the skills needed to churn out a book as soon as you feel like doing so. You have to work hard, play around with styles and forms and ideas, and find your way. You learn and grow only by trying and failing, making mistakes and writing poorly. The following pages are piss-poor, but without them, I couldn’t have taken the story forward and developed it the way I did. These rough, rushed pages were the foundation stones for everything that followed.
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  • / City of the Snakes - Cast - Sheet 1
  • 05 May 2010
    Many writers who work on a series have a “bible” which lists all of the characters, what they look like, their traits, what they have done in each book, along with lots more info about the world of the series, such as place names, major and minor events, etc. I don’t — I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants!!!

    As I worked my way through the four books The City (see my Book Notes for more info about what happened the fourth, unpublished book) things began to get a bit complicated. The first two books were set at the same time. The story then moved back into the past by about twenty years for what was originally planned to be the third book (the one that hasn’t been published), before shooting forward ten years from the end of the first two books for the fourth. I needed to be able to clearly check which characters appeared in which book, and which overlapped. So I jotted down details on a couple of sheets of paper, which I am including here for you to have a look at.

    The first sheet simply lists almost all of the characters of City of the Snakes. No descriptions (except in a few instances) or any other info, just a straightforward list of who would be in the book. Please note, some of those names changed over the editing process, and a few were dropped entirely. But for the most part all of the players are present and correct, and there are even some notes about eh layout of the the city and the structure of the Snakes. (You’ll learn much more about the Snakes when you read the book.)

    The second sheet lists the main and overlapping characters of the four books, starting with the first book on the left, running second to third to fourth across to the right, with arrows marking the passage of characters who appear in more than one of the books. I have blanked out the title of what was originally going to be the third book. Please note, the list is not definitive — for instance, Cafran appears in City of the Snakes, even though this is not indicated on the list.

    This will hopefully give you a good idea of how I plot things out and keep them in order inside my head. This isn’t an ideal process — a “bible” makes much better sense — but hey, it works for me!!!
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  • / City of the Snakes - Cast - Sheet 2
  • 05 May 2010
    Many writers who work on a series have a “bible” which lists all of the characters, what they look like, their traits, what they have done in each book, along with lots more info about the world of the series, such as place names, major and minor events, etc. I don’t — I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants!!!

    As I worked my way through the four books The City (see my Book Notes for more info about what happened the fourth, unpublished book) things began to get a bit complicated. The first two books were set at the same time. The story then moved back into the past by about twenty years for what was originally planned to be the third book (the one that hasn’t been published), before shooting forward ten years from the end of the first two books for the fourth. I needed to be able to clearly check which characters appeared in which book, and which overlapped. So I jotted down details on a couple of sheets of paper, which I am including here for you to have a look at.

    The first sheet simply lists almost all of the characters of City of the Snakes. No descriptions (except in a few instances) or any other info, just a straightforward list of who would be in the book. Please note, some of those names changed over the editing process, and a few were dropped entirely. But for the most part all of the players are present and correct, and there are even some notes about eh layout of the the city and the structure of the Snakes. (You’ll learn much more about the Snakes when you read the book.)

    The second sheet lists the main and overlapping characters of the four books, starting with the first book on the left, running second to third to fourth across to the right, with arrows marking the passage of characters who appear in more than one of the books. I have blanked out the title of what was originally going to be the third book. Please note, the list is not definitive — for instance, Cafran appears in City of the Snakes, even though this is not indicated on the list.

    This will hopefully give you a good idea of how I plot things out and keep them in order inside my head. This isn’t an ideal process — a “bible” makes much better sense — but hey, it works for me!!!
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  • / OTHER STUFF - WHO’S WILLI WUNDERWANST?!? - Translated character names from Book 1
  • 05 May 2010
    Willi Wunderwanst. Larten Krapula. Lucas Leopardo. Recognise any of those names? No? You would if you'd read the translated versions of Cirque Du Freak in Germany, France and Brazil!! As well as changing the name of the book itself, many of my foreign publishers have also changed the names of many of the characters. I get a lot of enjoyment out of seeing what translators in other countries come up with -- and I thought I'd share the fun with you! So, without any further ado, please allow me to introduce you to ...

    RHAMUS TWOBELLIES -- Mr Twobellies has been renamed more than any other character in the book, and in some very interesting ways! In Brazil he's known as SANCHO DUAS PANÇAS. In Denmark he's THOMAS TOMAVE. In France and the Netherlands he keeps his first name, and his surname is literally translated, so it's RHAMUS DOUBLEBIDE and RHAMUS TWEEBUIK respectively. In Germany, he goes by the tongue-twisting handle of WILLI WUNDERWANST!! In Spain it's Rhamus Dostripas. Norwegians know and love him as Rhamus - Mannen Med To Mager. If you're out Indonesai way, ask for Rhamus Dua Perut. Hungarians marvel at Ketgyomru Rhamus. He's harder to recognise on the bill in Finland than most places -- Kaapo Kaksmaha!!! And in the Czech Republic he checks into hotels as Rhamus Pupkeduo.

    THE SNAKE-BOY -- we don't learn Evra's real name until Book 2, so in all the translations of CDF, he keeps his descriptive name. In Brazil he's O MENINO-COBRA. In Denmark, SLANGEDRENGEN. In France, LE GARCON-SERPENT. In Germany, DEN SCHLANGENJUNGEN. In the Netherlands, DE SLANGENJONGEN. In Spain, El Nino Serpiente. In Norway, Slangegutten. In Indonesia, Bocah Ular. In Hungary, Kigyotesty Fiu. In Finland, Kaarmepoika. And in the Czech Republic you need to beware of Hadi Chlapec.

    TOMMY JONES -- Tommy's name hasn't been changed in any of the countries, but in Brazil they shortened his first name to TOM. Amazingly, it was only when I saw this that I twigged to the fact that I'd called one of my characters TOM JONES!!!!! What a missed opportunity! If I'd thought of this back when I was writing CDF, I'm sure I could have found a place to have him say "It's not unusual ..." Curses!!!

    THE WOLF-MAN -- like the Snake-Boy, the Wolf-Man's descriptive name travels well, and has simply been translated in every country. The list reads: Brazil, O HOMEM-LOBO. Denmark, ULVEMANDEN. France, L'HOMME-LOUP. Germany, DEN WOLFSMANN. The Netherlands, DE WOLFMAN. Spain, El Hombre Lobo. Norway, Ulvemannen. Indonesia, Manusia Serigala. Hungary, Farkasember. Finland, Susimies. And the Czech Republic, Vlci Muzi.

    ANNIE SHAN -- Darren's younger sister retains her name in all countries except Brazil, where, for some unknown reason, she now goes by the alias of JOANA!!!!

    MR TALL -- another one whose name is easy to translate. In Denmark, the Netherlands, Indonesia and Hungary they keep the name exactly as it appears in the UK. In Brazil he's SR. ALTÌO. In France, M. LEGRAND. In Germany, MEISTER RIESIG. In Spain, Mister Alto. In Norway, Herr Hoy. In Finland, Herra Pitka. And in the Czech Republic he's Pan Topol.

    SIVE AND SEERSA -- the Twisting Twins hold on to their names in most countries, but in Brazil they're THORSO E KONTHORSO, and if you want to cheer for them in Denmark, you'll have to call them SIV OG SLYNGE!

    STEVE LEOPARD -- Darren's best friend hangs onto his name in most of the world, but in France he's known simply as STEVE LEONARD (no nickname), while in Brazil he goes by the alliteratively lush name of LUCAS LEOPARDO!!!

    ALEXANDER RIBS -- the boniest member of the troupe is fairly easy to recognize, no matter which language the Cirque Du Freak poster might be written in. In the Netherlands he's exactly the same. In Brazil, ALEXANDRE COSTELA. In Denmark, KNOGLE-ALEXANDER. In France, ALEX LE DESOSSE. In Germany, ALEXANDER KNOCHEN. In Spain, Alexander Calavera. In Norway, Radmagre Alexander. In Indonesia, he's the tongue-twisting Alexander Si Manusia Tulang. In Hungary, Bordas Alexander. In Finland, Luuranko-Aleksanteri. And in the Czech Republic, Alexabdr Lunt.

    GERTHA TEETH -- in Denmark, France and the Netherlands, they keep her first name and simply translate her surname. So it's TAND-GERTHA, GERTHA GUEULE, and GERTHA TANDEN. Similarly, in Spain, Norway, Indonesia, Hungary, and the Czech Republic she's Gertha Dientes, Gertha Med Tenna, Gertha Geligi, Vasfogu Gertha, and Gerta Zubata. But in Germany, if you want to say hello to the toothy one, you have to ask for BERTHA BEISSER. In Finland she's the healthily hygeienic Hammas-Hertta. And In Brazil she masquerades as the dentally dynamic DIANA DENTADA!

    HANS HANDS -- short of stature, but big of heart, Hans holds onto his handle practically everywhere he goes. In Denmark he's HAND-HANS. In France, HANS LA MAIN LESTE. In Germany, HANS HÄNDE. In the Netherlands, HANDEN HANS. In Spain, Hans El Manos. In Norway, Hans Med Henda. In Indonesia, Hans Tangan. And in Hungary, Kezes Hans. But sometimes he has to carry an alternate passport with him! Because in Finland he's Kasi-Kalle. In the Czech Republic he's Rudy Von Ruka. And when the Cirque Du Freak plays Rio De Janeiro they know him as MANO MÌO!

    and, to round out the cast list, your favourite grumpy vampire and mine: LARTEN CREPSLEY -- the grim-faced, orange-haired grouch goes by the same name in all countries except two. In the Czech Republic they hail him as Larten Hroozley (derived from the Czech word, "hruzny", which means "creepy"). And in France, where (perhaps to confuse any French vampire hunters) he adopts the guise of LARTEN KRAPULA!!! (In the UK, obviously, he keeps this a very closely guarded secret, aware of the rather unfortunate connotations of that particular surname ...)

    * * *

    And that's all for now! More charcter names will follow, one list for each book -- so keep looking back for updates! Please note that I've only been able to include names from books with an alphabet which I can readily translate (which is why there's no mention of Japan, Taiwan, Israel, etc.)
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  • / OTHER STUFF - VAMPIRE FACTS vs MYTHS - Some vampire do’s and don’t's from Book 2
  • 05 May 2010
    There are many vampire legends. Most are false. Many are garbled. Some are plain ridiculous. Since the vampires in "The Saga Of Darren Shan" are different in lots of ways to those in movies and other books, we thought it would be helpful to print a list of some of the true vampire attributes -- and dispel a few of the more fanciful myths at the same time! You won't learn everything about vampires here, but it will be a useful starting point in coming to grips with the fabled creatures of the night ... before they come to grips with you!!!

    VAMPIRES ...

    ... only come out at night. Sunlight will kill a vampire, but only after three or four hours of exposure. Many vampires prefer to sleep in coffins by day, though they don't need to -- any dark place will do.

    ... can cross running water. (Though many vampires believe that their soul will be trapped if they die in running water, hence the origin of the myth.)

    ... are able to enter a house without being asked in. (But this myth does have its roots in fact -- see Book 3, "Tunnels Of Blood".)

    ... do drink blood, usually by making a small cut with their nails (which are very sharp), but they only drink small amounts, and don't harm the people they drink from. If a vampire drinks too much of a person's blood, and kills them, he absorbs part of that person's spirit, and keeps some of their memories and personality traits alive.

    ... do cast shadows, and they can see their reflection in mirrors.

    ... can breathe out a special gas which knocks people out.

    ... can hypnotise people, but this is rare, and they can usually only do it when they first become vampires, while their bodies are undergoing many strange changes.

    ... can cure small cuts, by rubbing their spit into the wounds.

    ... must drink a human's blood at least once a month to remain healthy.

    ... can move at incredibly fast speeds, which they call "flitting".

    ... are much stronger than humans.

    VAMPIRES ...

    ... are not people who come back from the dead. They are often called "the walking dead" and "the undead", most probably because they like sleeping in coffins.

    ... are not evil by nature. Crosses and holy water do not hurt them. Neither does garlic. They can enter churches.

    ... don't live forever, but they do age at one-tenth the human rate. So, for every ten years that pass, they only grow one year older. (Half-vampires age at one-fifth the human rate.)

    ... can't change shape, into bats or fog or rats or wolves. However, vampires are closely bonded with rats and bats and wolves. Some legends claim that vampires are descended from wolves, the same way that humans are descended from apes.

    ... can't fly. Except in a plane! But most vampires are nervous fliers!!!!

    ... don't bite people to suck out their blood. They don't have extra sharp fangs.

    ... don't turn other people into vampires by drinking them dry, but by pumping their own blood into the person.

    ... can't be photographed -- their atoms act strangely and their images can't be captured on film or video tape.

    ... can't drink blood from cats or dogs, or from certain other animals, such as monkeys and frogs and snakes. If they do, the blood of these animals will make them sick. In some cases it will kill them.

    ... are not immortal. A stake through the heart will kill a vampire, but so will a well placed bullet, or fire, or electricty, or a very nasty fall. They are tougher than humans, but far from indestructible.
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  • / OTHER STUFF - PAGING JOHANNES VIHANNES!!! - From Book 2
  • 05 May 2010
    Welcome to the second slab of Freaky Global Interpretations!! My books have been translated into a variety of languages (18 or 19, the last time I checked!), and while many of the names of the characters have been kept the same in the translations, some have been changed in certain countries! In some cases the changes are perfectly understandable and minor, but in others they're mind-boggling -- not to mention tongue-twisting!!!!! And a lot of fun too!!!!!!! So, in no particular order, here's what I've found in the worldwide translations of "The Vampire's Assistant" ...

    STANLEY COLLINS -- The scoutmaster who makes a brief appearance at the start of Book 2 is known as Stanley in every country except Brazil -- where they call him George!!!.

    PARIS SKYLE -- we first meet the ancient Vampire Prince in book 4 -- but he was actually first mentioned in the second book (how many of you remember that?!?). His name is the same in all the books, but I spotted something VERY strange in the French edition -- they'd completely cut out the mention of his name!!!! I thought this might be an accident -- but later investigations proved there was something far more Gallicly grisly at work!!!! You'll find out what I mean as you read on ...

    HIBERNIUS TALL -- you can find the different translations of Mr Tall in the Book 1 section of Extras -- but it was only in the second book that we learnt of his first name! Every country except Brazil stuck to Hibernius -- but in Rio it seems he likes to Samba it up as Hibernio!!!!!

    EVRA VON -- Everybody's favourite Snake-boy is known as Evra Von pretty much everywhere in the world. But in Brazil he's the entirely unrecognizable Ofidio!!!!

    SAM GREST -- Once again, Brazil is the only place where Sam Grest operates under a nom de plume, where his family prefer to call him Sam Crespo!!!!!!

    MR TINY -- Right!! This is a long one, so I hope you're patient!!! Mr Tiny was always going to be a tricky one for translators, because of the way I've used his name -- his full name is Mr Desmond Tiny, but if you shorten Desmond into Des, you get Mr Des Tiny -- or, to shorten it still further, Mr Destiny! Now, while that makes perfect sense in English, it doesn't in other languages! So my translators had to put their best, most imaginative thinking caps on. This is what they came up with!

    Brazil -- it wasn't too difficult in Brazil, where they called him Sr (Senor) Tiny to begin with, then Desmond Tino, then finally Sr Destino.

    in Germany it wasn't so straightforward. They started off with Meister Schick, then gave his full name as being Salvatore Schick, which they then shortened to Sal Schick, to finally give us Meister Schicksal.

    Netherlands -- like in Brazil, the translation was easy here. They called him Meneer Tiny, and kept his first name as Desmond. The only change was, when they were explaining about the shortened version of his name, and referred to him as Meneer Destiny, they added the extra bit of information that that meant Meneer Noodlot.

    Norway -- here he became Herr Order. His first name was changed to Matt, meaning you could refer to him as M. Order -- or Morder.

    in Indonesia they went the same way as in the Netherlands, keeping the name as Desmond Tiny, but adding the info that the name, when shortened, meant Mr Tiny -- takdir.

    Hungary went the same kind of route as Indonesia and the Netherlands. They kept him as Desmond Tiny, but included the descriptive name of Mr Vegzet where referring to him as Mr Destiny.

    in Finland matters became very complicated -- and ingenious!!! Our beloved little meddler started off simply enough as Herra Talo. Then we learnt that his first name was Kopernikus-Henrik, meaning you could also refer to him as K-H Talo, from which they got Herra Koohootalo, and finally Herra Kohtalo!!!! Phew!!!!!!

    in the Czech Republic it was only slightly less complex an operation!! He began as Pan Sudd. His first name was changed to Osmond, giving us Pan O Sudd, and ultimately Pan Osud!!

    and, finally, France. While all my other translators took brave, imaginative steps to stay true to the spirit of the text, and translated not just Mr Tiny's name, but the explanations for how and why it was shortened, my French translator took the lazy option of simply calling him Monsieur Dragor and then cutting out a huge chunk of text, to save him(or her)self the difficult job of translating it accurately!!!!! There's only one word for what I think of that -- MERDE!!!!!!!

    BRADLEY STRETCH -- after the problems of translating Mr Tiny's name (well, unless you were French and just bulldozed straight through it!!), the unfortunate Bradley Stretch was an easy one for my translators to deal with. In Brazil he became Bruno Estica; in France -- Bradley l'Elastique; in Norway -- Strekkeren Bradley; in Hungary -- Nyujto Bradley; and in the Czech Republic -- Bradleyho Kautschucka. Only in Germany was his name substantively changed, to give him the lovingly alliterative title of Lothar Lulatsch!!!!

    REGGIE VEGGIE -- R.V. -- NOP's finest (and hairiest!!) eco-warrior has a variety of names, depending on which part of the world he's protesting in!! Brazilians hail him as C.C. -- short for Chico Chicoria!! In France R.V. is short for Reggie la Verdure. In the Netherlands, if you want to find his name in the local telephone directory, you'll need to look for V.W. -- Veggie Willie!!! In the Czech Republic his passport identifies him as Erve -- Regac Vegac. And in Finland he masquerades as J.V. -- Johannes Vihannes!!!!

    CORMAC LIMBS -- the master of self-mutilation and instant regrowth keeps his first name in most countries, merely altering his surname. So, in Germany his second name is Der Vielgliedrige; in France it's Queue-de-Lezard; in Norway it's Lem; in Indonesia it's the rather lengthy si Manusia Tungkai; in Hungary the order of his names is reversed, so he's known as Vegtag Cormac; in Finland he's Mr Raaja; and in the Czech Republic his surname is Nedorost. It's only when he travels to Brazil that he (like so many other members of the Saga!!) alters his name entirely, becoming the absolutely different but equally tremendous Tuti Membros!!!!

    GAVNER PURL -- like Paris Skyle (see above), this was the book in which we first heard the name of the sniffly-nosed Gavner Purl!!! Gavner keeps his name in most parts of the world, although in the Czech Republic he's Gavner Zurk!!! (a good job Vancha March never found out, or he'd have probably called him Zurc the berk!!!!) And in Brazil, for some reason, he prefers to be known as plain old Torvelinho!!! And in France ... well, in his/her wisdom, my French translator decided to exercise his/her literary guillotine once again and cut out mention of Gavner too!!!!!!! I hope the Vampire Generals never find out where this barbaric translator lives, or he/she will be in a LOT of trouble!!!!!!!!!!

    * * *

    And that's all for now! More character names will follow, one list for each book -- so keep looking back for updates! Please note that I've only been able to include names from books with an alphabet which I can translate (which is why there's no mention of Japan, Taiwan, Israel, etc.). Also, I haven't been able to include accented letters, so in some cases names are spelt slightly differently to the way they appear in the books. Sorry!!!!!!
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  • / OTHER STUFF - WHAT’S IN A NAME? - From Book 5
  • 05 May 2010
    I often get letters or e-mails, asking how a certain character's name is pronounced. Since some of the performers in the Cirque Du Freak and many of the vampires have weird, invented names, I decided it's time to add a glossary to Shanville, detailing the various pronunciations. I've broken down the stranger names into syllables and shorter words, so that you can work out what they're meant to sound like. Hope it all makes sense!

    CIRQUE DU FREAK

    DARREN SHAN -- yes, I know it's probably the simplest name in the series, but people occasionally mispronounce the surname to rhyme with "dawn", when it should, of course, rhyme with "man"!

    LARTEN CREPSLEY -- old stony face takes a very dim view of anybody getting his name wrong, so for the record it's: LAR(rhymes with "car")-TEN CREPS(rhymes with "reps")-LEE. That's one mystery solved! Now if he'd only tell us how he got that scar ...

    VUR HORSTON -- VUR(rhymes with "fur") HOR(rhymes with "door")-STON(rhymes with "on"). By the way, some readers think (as Steve Leopard did in CDF) that Mr Crepsley's real name is Vur Horston. It isn't. Vur Horston was just a name he used in the past. His real name really is Larten Crepsley. This is mentioned in passing in one of the books -- look out for it the next time you're re-reading them!!!

    HIBERNIUS TALL -- the mysterious, towering owner of the Cirque Du Freak. If you break his first name down, it goes something like this: HIGH-BUR(rhymes with "fur")-KNEE-US.

    TRUSKA -- the "U" in this is pronounced as a double "O", like in "smooth" -- so it's TROOSKA.

    SIVE -- one half of the fabulous, beautiful Twisting Twins. Her name rhymes with "dive".

    SEERSA -- the other half (she'd say the better half!): SEER(rhymes with "here")-SA.

    RHAMUS TWOBELLIES -- the XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL Mr Twobellies' first name is pronounced RALMus, to rhyme with "palm"us.

    GERTHA TEETH -- the toothy one's first name is: GER(rhymes with "fur")-TA. Get it right, or she'll snap a couple of your fingers off!!!

    THE VAMPIRE'S ASSISTANT

    EVRA VON -- the snake-boy's proving very popular with the ladies, so if you're one of the many female Shansters who'd like to chat the scaly chap up, just say his name like you see it: EV(like the first syllable of "every")-RAH VON(rhymes with "on"). And no, I don't have a phone number for him!!!

    SAM GREST -- another simple one: his surname rhymes with "crest".

    CORMAC LIMBS -- possibly the most astounding of all the performers at the Cirque Du Freak, but his name's a lot less complex than his nervous systen. COR-MACK LIMBS ("limbs" as in your arms, legs, etc.)

    TUNNELS OF BLOOD

    MURLOUGH -- this is one of the most mispronounced names, especially among readers in England. I know a lot of you think it's MUR(rhymes with "fur")-LOW, but it isn't! The correct way of saying it (and Murlough will come and wreak a terrible vengeance on anyone who says it any other way!) is in fact MUR(still rhymes with "fur")-LOCK!!

    GAVNER PURL -- Mr sniffle-nose himself!! His name's pronounced: GAV(rhymes with "have")-NUR(rhymes with "fur") PEARL. Now does anyone have a hankie he could borrow ...?

    VAMPANEZE -- just in case some of you are wondering how exactly the purple-skinned killers of the night refer to themselves, it's: VAM-PAN-EEZ (rhymes with "please").

    VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN

    here's where things really get complicated! but fear not, shansters, there shall be no more twisted tongues in the halls of vampire mountain! so, for a beginner's crash course in vampire pronunciations, strap on tight and here we go, starting of course with the Princes ...

    PARIS SKYLE -- the oldest and noblest of vampires. His first name's just like the city; his second name rhymes with "mile".

    MIKA VER LETH -- like Evra, the black-clothed, gloomy Prince has attracted the attention of quite a few female Shansters! He's not much of a one for romance, but if you say his name the right way, he might (MIGHT!!!) treat you to a smile! MICK-AH VUR(rhymes with "fur") LEFF(like "left", only take away the "t" at the end!).

    VANCHA MARCH -- we won't be meeting the fourth Vampire Prince for quite a while yet (which may be a good thing -- he's a bit on the rough side!), but for those who like to prepare well in advance, his name's pronounced VAN-CHA(as in "CHArlie") MARCH. But he also answers to "Oi! You!" or "Hey! Ugly!"

    KURDA SMAHLT -- not a Prince yet, but his night is coming -- as we'll see in Book 6. For those having trouble (especially with the surname) it's: KUR(rhymes with "fur")-DA SMALT("malt" with an "s" in front of it!).

    HARKAT MULDS -- you once knew him as "Lefty", which was nice and simple, but that all changed on the path to Vampire Mountain! Although the Little Person has trouble pronouncing his name himself sometimes, when he can draw a good lungful of breath, he says it like this: HAR(rhymes with "car")-CAT MULLDS(as in to "mull" it over).

    VANEZ BLANE -- Darren's one-eyed Trials tutor in Book 5 is tough as they come, but his name's quite easy. VAN-EZ BLANE(rhymes with "plain"). Now give him fifty press-ups, quick, worm!!!

    SEBA NILE -- Mr Crepsley's mentor, the second oldest living vampire, and the quartermaster of Vampire Mountain. His first name is SEE-BAH and his surname is the same as the river.

    ARRA SAILS -- the formidable female vampire, Mr Crepsley's ex-mate. You don't want to get on the wrong side of Arra, so get her name right for your own sake! It's: ARR(rhymes with the first syllable of "carry")-AH SAILS(rhymes with "whales").

    many of the halls of vampire mountain are named after famous vampires, whose names are often even stranger than modern-day vampires! for your added conveniences, those halls mentioned in books 4 and 5 now follow:

    PERTA VIN-GRAHL -- who forgot to wash behind their ears?!? The ice-cold showers of Vampire Mountain are no place for those who enjoy the little comforts of life. But if you're stinking, in desperate need of a wash, and you have to ask the way, you pronounce it like this: PER(rhymes with "fur")-TA VIN (rhymes with "win")-GRAL(rhymes with "pal").

    OSCA VELM -- OSS-KA VELM(rhymes with "helm").

    KHLEDON LURT -- you'll probably spend a lot of time here, eating, drinking and socialising, so it's best to get its name straight before you set off for Vampire Mountain! It looks odd, but it's quite easy to say: KLED(rhymes with "sled")-ON LURT(rhymes with "hurt").

    BASKER WRENT -- BASH(rhymes with "cash")-CUR(rhymes with "fur") RENT(rhymes with "tent").

    RUSH FLON'X -- His first name rhymes with "flush". You pronounce his second name: FLON(rhymes with "on")-EX.

    OCEEN PIRD -- OCK(as in "rock")-EEN PIRD(rhymes with "bird").

    as well as using vampire names for the halls, vampires also sometimes invoke names of their forefathers when they curse. a couple of the more popular curses, for those who want to impress their parents and teachers, are:

    CHARNA'S GUTS! -- this is hugely popular and widely used. It's basically a vampire's way of saying "Bloody hell!" or "Stone the crows!" or "I'll be damned!" Charna was a vampire who had most of his guts clawed out in a fight with a vampaneze, but who carried on fighting and won!!! You pronounce his name (when you're suitably riled!) thusly: CHAR(rhymes with "car")-NAH.

    BLACK BLOOD OF HARNON OAN! -- this was once a key vampire curse; less fashionable these nights, though it still gets used on occasion. Harnon Oan was one of the very rare vampire traitors, who used to sell the whereabouts of other vampires to vampire hunters. His name's pronounced HAR(rhymes with "car")-NON(rhymes with "on") OAN(rhymes with "bone").

    TRIALS OF DEATH

    everybody still with me? good! there aren't many new, bewildering names to deal with in book 5, but here are a few which you might like some help with:

    BA-HALEN'S SPIDERS -- I know they made their entrance in book 4, but it's in book 5 that we see more of them, including where they live inside the mountain (if you suffer from arachnophobia, you might want to skip that chapter!!). The eight-legged beauties are named after the vampire who, according to legend, introduced them to the mountain: BAH-HAAL-EN. Nobody remembers if he had a first name!

    PATRICK GOULDER -- gets a brief mention. His surname's pronounced GOLDER.

    YEBBA -- this General knows how to howl!! It's easy to say his name: YEB-AH.

    GLALDA -- I won't say much about this particular "gentleman", except to tell you that his name is pronounced GLAL(rhymes with "pal")-DAH.

    and finally, another of those pesky Halls: STAHRVOS GLEN -- this one's pronounced STAR-VOSS(rhymes with "floss") GLENN.

    * * *

    And that's it, folks! I'll be decoding more perplexing names for you in later site updates, but for now, enjoy your Trials Of Death, try not to get killed during them -- and keep practising your pronunciations until you're word-perfect!!!!!!
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  • / DELETED SCENES - EARLY CHAPTERS - From Book 1
  • 05 May 2010
    When I started "Cirque Du Freak" on the 9th of May, 1997, it took me a while to find the right voice. Included here are the first few chapters of the original draft, warts and all. People who've read the published book will pick up on the rougher tone, and will also notice a few different scenes, which make for interesting comparison with the finished product.

    THE SAGA OF DARREN SHAN

    BOOK ONE: CIRQUE DU FREAK
    INTRODUCTION

    First off, this is a true story, every last word of it. I mean, sure, there are bits which didn’t happen exactly as I say, but it’s as close to pure truth as any book is ever likely to get.

    It’s a scary story, so you might not believe it’s real. I know I never believed horror stories when I was little. My Mum and Dad used to tell me there were no such things as monsters. They said only silly boys and girls let themselves be frightened by books or films. Well, I didn’t want to look silly, so I told myself they were right, even though I always suspected they weren’t.

    Grown-ups think they know it all. Well, they don’t!

    If you’re the sort of person who doesn’t like scary stories, you’d better stop reading RIGHT NOW, because this is about as scary as it gets! It would be scary enough if it was just made-up. But knowing it’s real, and all this really happened … Terrifying!

    Even if you do like horror books, you might be a little shocked by this one. You see, it’s not like other books. This one isn’t made-up, so it isn’t safe. Most books are safe: the good guys win and the monsters get their butts kicked. This book … well, let’s just say it’s not like any other you’ve ever read. You’ll see what I mean later on.

    It’s a bloody book. I used to like stories with lots of blood and gore in them when I was little. People getting their heads chopped off and their bellies ripped open and their guts spilt out: that was my idea of a good time! All the same, I’ve tried not to make this too gory. It’s frightening enough the way it is, without adding any extra spicy details. But it’s a chilling tale, no doubt about that. There’s lots of blood and bits that will give you goosebumps and maybe even a nightmare or two, and that’s just the way it is. I don’t want to gross you out, but in some places it simply can’t be helped.

    That’s the problem with truth: sometimes it’s ugly!

    One thing before I start into the story: my name isn’t really Darren Shan. I know I said everything was true, and it is. Except for the names. I’ve had to change the names because … well by the time you get to the end of this book, you’ll know the reason. Secrecy is a must.

    I haven’t used any real names, not mine, not my sisters, not my friends or teachers. Nobody’s. I’m not even going to tell you the real name of my town or my country or anything! I daren’t.

    Anyway, that’s enough of an introduction. I don’t want to bore you to death before my story starts. I hate introductions normally, but I felt it was necessary this time. I had to warn you before you began, to give you a chance to get out. Like I said, if you’re the sort who gets scared easily, STOP NOW! Close those covers, put this down and go watch telly or read a nice safe book. This isn’t a story for cowards.

    But, if you’re brave enough and ready, let’s begin. If this was a made-up story, it would begin at night, with a storm and owls hooting and rattling noises under the bed. But this is a real story so I have to begin where it really started.

    It started in a toilet.

    CHAPTER ONE

    I was in a toilet at school. Our school has two sets of toilets. One for the younger boys and girls, another for us older pupils. I preferred the one for the smaller boys. It was brightly painted and smelled nice. But I was too old to dare be seen in the room where the little boys go to tinkle.

    I was sitting down, humming a song. I had my trousers on. I’d come in near the end of English class, feeling a bit sick. My teacher, Mr Dalton, is great about things like that. He’s smart and knows when you’re faking and when you’re being serious. He took one look when I raised my hand and said I was ill, then nodded his head and told me to come here.

    "Throw up whatever's bugging you, Shan," he said, "then get your behind back in here."

    I wish every teacher was as understanding and funny as Mr Dalton.

    Anyway, I didn’t get sick, but I still felt a bit queasy, so I stayed on the toilet. I heard the bell ring for the end of class and everybody came rushing out for their lunch break. I wanted to join them, but I knew Mr Dalton would give out if he saw me in the yard so soon. He doesn’t get mad if you try tricking him, but he goes all quiet and won’t speak to you for ages, and that’s almost worse than being shouted at.

    So I was sitting there, humming, watching my watch. I decided I’d wait another five minutes. Then I heard the door opening and someone calling my name.

    "Darren! Hey, Darren! Have you fallen in or what?"

    I grinned. It was Steve Leopard, my best friend in all the world.

    "Hey, Steve," I called back. "I’m in here." I hit the door so he’d know which one I was lurking behind.

    He walked over quickly and I opened the door. He smiled when he saw me sitting down with my trousers on. "Did you puke?" he asked.

    "No," I said.

    "Do you think you’re gonna?" he asked.

    "Maybe," I said. Then, to give him a shock, I leant forward all of a sudden and made a sick noise. You know the sort: Bluurgh! But Steve Leopard knew me too well to be fooled by that.

    "Give my boots a polish while you’re down there," he said, and laughed when I pretended to spit on his shoes and rub them with a sheet of toilet-paper.

    "Did I miss anything in class?" I asked, sitting up again.

    "Nah," he said. "It was the usual load of crap."

    "Did you do your History homework?" I asked.

    "It doesn’t have be done until tomorrow, does it?" he asked, getting worried. Steve’s always forgetting when homework has to be done for.

    "The day after tomorrow," I told him.

    "Oh," he said, relaxing. "That’s OK then. I thought…" He stopped talking and frowned. "Hold on," he said. "Today’s Thursday. That means the day after tomorrow would be…"

    "Saturday! Got you!" I yelled, punching him on the shoulder.

    "Ow!" he shouted. "That hurt." He rubbed his arm, but I could tell he wasn’t really hurt. "So are you coming out?" he asked.

    "I thought I’d stay in here and admire the view," I said, leaning back on the toilet seat.

    "Come on," he said. "Quit messing. We were five-one down when I came in. We’re probably six or seven down now. We need you." He was talking about football. We play a game every lunchtime, the older boys against the younger ones. We normally win easily, but we’ve lost a lot of our best players lately. Dave Norman broke his leg. Sam White transferred to another school when his family moved. And Danny Curtain has stopped playing football and spends his lunchtimes hanging out with Sheila Leigh, his girlfriend. What an idiot!

    I’m about the best player we have left. At least, I’m the best full-forward. There are better defenders and midfielders, and Tommy Jones is the best goalkeeper in the whole school. But I’m the only one who can stand up front and score four or five times a day.

    "OK," I said, standing. "I’ll come and save you. I’ve scored a hat-trick every day this week. It would be a pity to stop now."

    We walked out of the toilet together and hurried to my locker so I could change into my trainers. I used to have a great pair, real expensive ones I won in a writing competition. But the laces snapped a few months ago and the rubber along the sides started to fall off. And then my feet grew! The pair I have now are OK, the best I could afford, but they’re not the same.

    We were eight-three down when I got on the pitch. It wasn’t a real pitch, just a long stretch of yard with painted goal-posts on either end. I don’t know who painted them, but whoever it was was a right idiot. He put the crossbar too high at one end and too low at the other! Because my team’s older, we always have to play with our goalie beneath the one that’s too high. And although Tommy Jones is a great 'keeper, he’s quite short, and if the other team can kick the ball high and on target, they normally score.

    "Never fear, Hotshot Shan is here!" I shouted as I ran onto the pitch. A lot of players laughed or groaned, but I could see my team-mates picking up and our opponents growing worried.

    I made a great start and scored two goals inside one minute, and it looked like we might come back to draw or win. But time was against us. If I’d arrived earlier we’d have been OK, but the bell rang just as I was hitting my stride, so we lost nine-seven. I scored my fourth hat-trick of the week, so I wasn’t too unhappy, but it’s not much fun scoring if your team loses the game.

    It was as we were walking back to the room that Alan Morris ran into the yard, panting and red-faced. They’re my three best friends, Steve Leopard, Tommy Jones and Alan Morris. We must be the oddest four people in the whole world, because only one of us has a nick-name. That’s Steve, whose real name is Steve Leonard, but who’s been called Leopard ever since he was born. Everybody calls him Leopard, even Mr Dalton sometimes. Everyone except me, that is. I call him Steve because he asked me to, and when your best friend asks you something like that, it’s your duty to agree.

    "Look what I found!" Alan yelled, waving a soggy piece of paper around their noses.

    "What is it?" Tommy asked, trying to grab it.

    "It’s -" Alan began, but stopped when Mr Dalton shouted at us.

    "Hey! You four! Inside!" he roared.

    "We’re coming, Mr Dalton!" Steve roared back. Steve is Mr Dalton’s favourite, and he gets away with stuff that the rest of us couldn’t do. Like when he uses swear-words sometimes in his stories. If I put in some of the words Steve has, I’d have been kicked out long ago.

    But Mr Dalton has a soft spot for Steve, because he’s mixed-up in the head and all over the place. What I mean is, sometimes Steve’s brilliant in class and gets everything right, while other times he can’t even spell his own name. Mr Dalton says he’s a bit of an idiot savant, which mean’s he’s a stupid genius!

    Anyway, even though he’s Mr Dalton’s pet, not even Steve can get away with turning up late for class. So whatever Alan had, it would have to wait. We trudged back to class, sweaty and tired after the game, and began our History lesson.

    Little did I know then that Alan’s mysterious piece of paper was to change my life forever ... for the worse!

    CHAPTER TWO

    History was fun. We learned about the Vikings and how they used to raid England and Ireland and kill monks, and sail away with the gold. I guess they were bad guys, but I’d love to have been one. It would have been cool to burn down monasteries and chop off a few heads. And they even got to rip up books! If I was a Viking I’d rip up every book in school, then burn the school down!

    We had maths after history. That wasn’t much fun. I’m quite good at maths, but it’s fairly boring all the same.

    Steve managed to brighten things up for us for a while. Mr Dalton brings us up to the blackboard to do sums, a few of us every day, and keeps us there until we get one wrong. The person who gets most right wins a prize at the end of the week, and it’s usually a good prize, like shin-guards or a football, or a skipping rope if you’re a girl (and girls win more often than you’d think!).

    Anyway, he called Lucy Sheils up first. She got two right, but messed-up the third. The sums get harder as you go along, see. He called me up next. And I got six right in a row, which is great. The most anyone had got so far that week was four. I felt like a king going back to my seat. "Let’s see them beat that!" I muttered to myself, and Steve must have heard me, because he stuck up his hand and asked to go next. He smiled and winked at me as he walked by.

    "Volunteering, Master Leonard?" Mr Dalton asked. He was smiling.

    "I feel lucky, Sir," Steve replied.

    "Do you now?" Mr Dalton said, rubbing his chin. "Well, let’s see if we can’t maybe deflate that ego of yours a bit, shall we?" Mr Dalton says things sometimes that we don’t understand, like now. But it sounded funny, so everybody laughed.

    When we stopped laughing, Mr Dalton scribbled the first sum on the board. It was multiplication, quite hard, but Steve took one look at it and called out the answer. Mr Dalton blinked, but this wasn’t the first time Steve had done something like this, so he wasn’t too surprised.

    "OK clever clogs," he said, "let’s see how you do with this one."

    Mr Dalton wrote down a really hard one then, where you had to multiply three sets of numbers. Steve frowned a little and reached for the chalk, but then he stopped and grinned and called out the answer. This time Mr Dalton was surprised, and he had to think for a long time before writing down the next tough sum.

    Well, things went on like that for ages. Steve wasn’t able to do all the sums in his head and had to start using the chalk a lot after the fifth problem, but he was still getting the answers right, and quickly too. He did one sum, which would have taken me a quarter of an hour, in about half a minute! It was like watching one of those kid brain-boxes on telly.

    He got fourteen sums in a row right. It was a record. Nobody had ever got more than ten, not in all the years Mr Dalton had been teaching. Everybody in the class was cheering and shouting. Normally Mr Dalton would have told us to be quiet, but he was as excited as the rest of us.

    Then while Steve was doing the fifteenth sum, a bird crashed into the window. It happens a lot in our school. There’s loads of trees nearby and birds are always crashing into one window or another, so we didn’t take much notice.

    Steve jumped when the bird hit the glass, and spun around to look at it. It was a sparrow, and it hung in the air for a few seconds, sort of shaking it’s head and checking its wings to make sure they were OK. Then it gave a little chirp and flew off again, and Steve turned back to the blackboard. But I could tell by the way his shoulders were slumped that the run was about to come to an end.

    He was in the middle of the sum, on a real easy bit where he had to multiply 7 by 12. Everybody in the class knows the 12-times table off by heart, at least up to 12-times-12, and Steve should have had no trouble figuring out it was 84. But he couldn’t do it. He stared at the sum for what seemed like hours, then slowly wrote 91 down beneath it. He looked up at Mr Dalton nervously.

    "Is that right, Sir?" he asked.

    Mr Dalton stared at him sadly and shook his head. "No, Steve," he said softly. Then he smiled and started to clap, and everybody joined in. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he shouted, pretending to be a referee at a boxing match, "I give you Steve Leonard, AKA Steve the Leopard, undisputed heavyweight maths champion of the world!"

    We cheered and Steve returned to his seat. I clapped his back and he grinned bashfully. "Aw, it was nothing," he said modestly, but I could tell he was delighted.

    Then Mr Dalton called Danny Curtain up to the board. He got one sum right but failed the second, which was about usual for Danny. He returned to his seat and Mr Dalton called Jimmy Clarke up next, and it was back to being an ordinary boring lesson.

    I didn’t know it then, but Steve’s unbelievable run at the blackboard was going to be every bit as important to my life as Alan’s piece of paper. And every bit as deadly!

    - - - - - - - - - e - n - d - - - - - - - - -

    In this draft, in a later chapter, Mr Dalton gave Steve two tickets to the Cirque Du Freak, as a prize for getting so many sums right. My editor swiftly drew my attention to the fact that teachers were unlikely to go around handing out tickets to illegal freak shows to their students, hence a hasty re-think on my part!!!
    Return to listing
  • / DELETED SCENES - THE FREAK SHOW - From Book 1
  • 05 May 2010
    These chapters are from the original draft of "Cirque Du Freak". Most of this material appears in the book, but there are lots of little scenes which I cut to give it a sharper feel. If you enjoyed reading about the circus performers in the book, here's your chance to catch a bit more of their acts!

    NOTE: A few of the performers appear differently here than in the book. Hans Hands, for instance, has no legs in this version, and the Twisting Twins are Siamese twins! These changes are all part-and-parcel of the writing process.

    WARNING: The Cirque Du Freak performers are trained and magically-gifted professionals. DO NOT try to copy anything they do!!!!!

    CIRQUE DU FREAK

    CHAPTER TEN

    The second freak was Alexander Ribs, and he was more of a comedy act than a scary one, which was just what we needed to calm us down after the terrifying start. I happened to look over my shoulder while he was on, and noticed two more of the blue-hooded people down on their knees, cleaning blood from the floor.

    Alexander Ribs was the skinniest man I’d ever seen. He looked like a skeleton, he was so thin! There seemed to be no flesh on him. He would have been frightening, except he had a big friendly smile.

    Funny music started playing and he danced around the stage. He was dressed in ballet clothes and looked so ridiculous that soon everybody was laughing. After a while, he stopped dancing and began stretching. He said he was a contortionist (somebody with bones like rubber, who can bend every which way) and could do just about anything with his body.

    First of all, he tilted his head back so far, it looked like it had been cut off. He turned round so we could see his upside-down face, then went on leaning backwards until his head was touching the floor! Then he put his hands down the backs of his legs and pulled his head through until it was sticking up behind him. It looked like it was growing out of his bum!

    He got a huge round of claps for that, after which he straightened up and began twisting his body around, like a curly-wurly straw! He kept twisting and twisting, five times around, until his bones began to creak from the strain. He stood like that for a minute, then began to unwind really, really fast.

    Next, he curled himself up into a ball. Mr Tall came on and picked him up, then began bouncing him up and down! Alexander shouted a lot and pretended it was hurting, but we could tell he was joking. He looked so funny, bouncing up and down, I swear, if you were near the back of the theatre, you’d have thought he was a real ball.

    When Mr Tall left the stage again, Alexander Ribs stood up and got two of those drumsticks with furry ends. You know, the sort they use for really big drums in parades? Nobody knew what he was going to do with them, and boy, did we get a shock when we found out!

    Alexander got the first drumstick and hit one of his bony ribs with it. There was no sound for a second, but then he opened his mouth and a musical note sprung out! It sounded like the noise a piano makes. Then he closed his mouth and struck a rib on the other side of his body with the other drumstick. Again he waited before opening his mouth. This time it was a louder note, a higher one.

    After a few more practice goes, he kept his mouth open and began playing songs! I know you won’t believe me, but I swear that’s what he did. He played "London Bridge is falling down" and some song by The Beatles and the theme tunes for a few well-known TV shows.

    We thought for a while that somebody else was making the music, but then he stepped down off the stage and walked through the crowd, and we found out it was for real. He let us touch his ribs and his throat, and we could actually feel the music travelling up! It was incredible. He was like a walking, living piano!

    The skinny man got a huge round of applause when he was finished, and left the stage to shouts for more. But none of the freaks came back to do an encore. It was one of the circus rules.

    After Alexander Ribs came Rhamus Twobellies, and he was as fat as Alexander was thin. He was enormous! You could hear the floorboards creaking as he walked out onto the stage, and I’ll never know how it didn’t collapse beneath him.

    He walked along close to the edge and kept pretending he was about to topple forward. You could see the people in the front rows getting worried, and some jumped back out of the way whenever he got close. I don’t blame them: he would have squashed them flat as a pancake if he fell off!

    Finally he stopped in the middle of the stage. "Hello," he said, and he had a surprisingly nice voice, low and squeaky. As with Alexander Ribs, you sensed straightaway that he was friendly.

    "My name is Rhamus Twobellies," he said, "and I’m called that not just because I’m fat, but because I really have two bellies! I was born with them, the same way certain animals are. The doctors were stunned and said I was a freak. That’s why I joined this show and am here tonight."

    Then he picked up the drumsticks Alexander ribs had left behind and swallowed them! Like I said, they were big drumsticks, long and round, but he gulped them down like a couple of lollipops. He waited a moment before doing anything else, then gave his belly a little pat, and back up his throat and out of his mouth they came, one after the other.

    Then the ladies who had hypnotised the wolf-man came out with two trolleys full of food: cakes and chips and hamburgers and packets of sweets and heads of cabbage. There was stuff there that I hadn’t even seen before, never mind tasted!

    "Yum-yum," Rhamus said. "It must be feeding time." He pointed to a huge clock which was being lowered by ropes from above. It stopped about three metres above his head. "How long do you think it will take me to eat all this?" he asked, pointing to the food. "There will be a prize for the person who guesses closest."

    "An hour!" somebody yelled.

    "Forty-five minutes!" somebody else roared.

    "Two hours, ten minutes and thirty-three seconds," another person shouted. And soon everybody was calling out. I said an hour and three minutes. Steve said twenty-nine minutes. The lowest guess was seventeen minutes. Lots of people said he couldn’t eat that much food, not in one go, no matter how fat he was.

    When we were finished guessing, the clock started to tick and Rhamus started to eat. He could eat like the wind! He went through that food like a hurricane. His arms moved so fast, you could hardly see them. His mouth didn’t seem to close at all. He shovelled food in, swallowed, and moved on.

    Everybody was amazed. I felt sick as I watched him and some people actually were sick! I heard somebody puking in the seat behind me, but didn’t turn around to look, in case I started to throw up as well.

    Finally Rhamus scoffed the last bun, and the clock above his head stopped ticking. We looked up to see how long it had been, and you could hear us gasping when we saw the time.

    Four minutes and fifty-six seconds! He had eaten all that food in less than five minutes! I could hardly believe it. It didn’t seem possible, even for a man with two bellies.

    "That was nice," Rhamus said, "though I could have done with some more dessert."

    We stared at him for a moment, then realised he was joking. We began to laugh and clap and lots of people stood up on their seats to cheer him. Rhamus said nothing, only smiled happily and wiped a few crumbs from his chin.

    When we were finished clapping, the ladies in the shiny suits rolled the trolleys away and brought on a new one. But this didn’t have any food: it was packed with glass statues and forks and spoons and small bits of metal junk.

    "Now before I begin," Rhamus said, "I must warn you not to try this at home! As I said, I have two bellies, but they are also very strong bellies. I can eat things which can choke and kill normal people. Again I say do not try and copy me! If you do, you will surely die."

    Then he began eating. He began with a couple of nuts and bolts, the sort you find in your Dad’s tool-box, and sucked them down without blinking. After a few handfuls, he gave his big round belly a shake and we could hear the noise of the metal inside.

    Following a quick round of applause, his belly heaved and he began spitting the nuts and bolts back out! If there had only been one or two, I might have thought he was keeping them under his tongue or at the sides of his cheeks, but not even Rhamus Twobellies’ mouth was big enough to hold this load!

    Next, he ate the glass statues. He bit their heads and arms and legs off, and crunched the glass up into small pieces inside his mouth, before swallowing them with a drink of water.

    Next he ate the spoons and forks. He twisted them into circles with his hands (they must have been the cheap sort which bend easily), then popped them into his mouth and let them slide down. He said his teeth weren’t strong enough to tear through metal.

    After that, he swallowed a long metal chain, then paused to catch his breath. His belly began rumbling and shaking. I didn’t know what was going on. Then he gave a bit of a heave and I saw the top of the chain come out of his mouth.

    I began to applaud lightly, along with most of the other people, but then, as the chain came out, I saw that the spoons and forks were wrapped around it! He had somehow managed to poke the chain through all the hoops! My light claps quickly became hard and heavy ones.

    "That’s it," I thought, "this must be his final act. There’s no way he could top that one." But I was wrong: he could!

    "Now," Rhamus said in his squeaky little voice, "I am going to try my luck at the restoring and recycling game."

    He picked up the last glass statue, which was a figure of a small woman in a long dress and a wide hat. He bit it into small pieces as he had before and swallowed it, but without the glass of water: this time he drank a tube of glue with it!

    His belly began shaking again, so fast that it looked like he was about to explode! It jiggled left and right, up and down, and around in circles. He was holding his breath and his face was going purple.

    Just when I thought he was going to pop, his belly stopped. He let out his breath in a long sigh and smiled. Then he gave a careful heave, and up came the statue, joined together again!

    Well, everybody just about slapped their hands off, they were clapping so much. Rhamus smiled and walked off the stage slowly.

    "It must have been a similar statue that he had in his belly earlier," I said to Steve. "There’s no way he could have put it back together without using his hands."

    "Maybe," Steve said, but he sounded unsure.

    Before Rhamus left the stage, he tossed the statue out into the audience and asked us to pass it around. When it came to me and Steve we noticed the cracks where it had been glued together. Steve traced one of them with his finger, then passed the statue on and rubbed his finger with his thumb.

    "It’s still sticky," he said, looking at me.

    "So what?" I asked.

    "So if he’d had it in his belly since coming on," Steve explained, "the glue would have dried by now."

    I stared back at him, then touched his finger to make sure, and yes, it was still sticky! I’ve no idea how he did it, but it was the most amazing thing I had ever seen…

    … so far!

    CHAPTER ELEVEN

    A couple of people in the blue-hooded suits came around after Rhamus Twobellies, selling sweets and gifts. There was some really cool stuff, like chocolate models of the nuts and bolts that Rhamus ate, and rubber dolls of Alexander Ribs which you could bend and stretch. And there were clippings of the wolf-man’s hair. I bought a bit of that: it was tough and wiry and sharp as a knife.

    "There will be more novelties later," Mr Tall called out from the stage, "so don’t spend all your money right away."

    "How much is the glass statue?" Steve asked. It was the same sort of one that Rhamus Twobellies had eaten and put back together in his belly. The person in the blue hood didn’t say anything, but stuck out a sign with the price on. "I can’t read," Steve said. "Will you tell me how much it costs?"

    I stared at Steve and wondered why he was lying. The person in the hood still didn’t speak. This time he (or she) shook his head quickly and moved on before Steve could ask anything else.

    "What was that about?" I asked.

    Steve shrugged. "I wanted to hear it speak," he said, "to see if it was human or not."

    "Of course it’s human," I said, "what else could it be?"

    "I don’t know," he said. "That’s why I was asking. Don’t you think it’s strange that they keep their faces covered all the time?"

    "Maybe they’re shy," I said.

    "Maybe," he said, but I could tell he didn’t believe that.

    When the people selling the toys and stuff were finished, the next freak came on. This time it was the bearded lady, and at first I thought it was meant to be a joke, because she didn’t have a beard!

    Mr Tall stood behind her and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special act. Truska here is new to our family. She does not speak your language, nor mine, and there is much we do not know about her. All I can say is, she is one of the most incredible freaks I have ever seen, with a truly unique talent."

    Mr Tall walked off after that. Truska was very beautiful, dressed in flowing red robes which had lots of slashes and gaps. Lots of the men in the theatre began to cough and move around in their seats.

    Truska stepped closer to the edge of the stage, so we could see her better, then said something which sounded a bit like the way a seal barks. She put her two hands on her face, one at either side, and stroked the skin gently. Then she held her nose shut with two fingers and tickled her chin with her other hand.

    An extraordinary thing happened: she began to grow a beard! I saw the hairs creeping out, first just on her chin, then on her upper lip, then on the sides of her face, and finally all over. It was long and blonde and straight.

    It grew about ten or eleven centimetres, then stopped. She took her fingers away from her nose and stepped down into the crowd, where she walked around and let people pull on the beard and stroke it.

    Now, I know a bit about beards, because I asked my Dad a few years ago, and he said they grew between half a centimetre and one centimetre every month, usually. So to grow ten or eleven centimetres in a couple of minutes was truly amazing.

    Truska stopped by my chair and let me put my hand on the beard. She smiled at me while I was feeling it, and I smiled back. But then, all of a sudden, the hair wrapped itself around my hand like a snake!

    I yelled in fright and tried pulling my hand back, but I couldn’t. Truska laughed, then laid her hands on my head and calmed me down. I sat back and stopped tugging, then watched as the hairs of her beard began waving around and tickling my arm.

    She let go of me after a few seconds and moved on. The beard continued growing as she walked, until finally it reached down to her feet! When she arrived at the back of the theatre, she turned and walked back to the stage. Even though there was no breeze in here, her hair blew about wildly, tickling people's faces as she passed, sweeping along in front of her and behind her and to the sides.

    When she got back to the stage, an iron ring was lowered from above by a rope, and the beard tied itself around the ring. The ring moved up a few metres and she rose from the ground. She hung there a while, and then she began to do pull-ups, using only the hair of her beard!

    She did twenty pull-ups, then got down and bowed while we clapped. Next Mr Tall came back on-stage and asked if anybody had a pair of scissors. Lots of women did and they raised their hands. Mr Tall invited a few up on stage.

    "The Cirque Du Freak will give one solid bar of gold to anybody who can slice off Truska’s beard," Mr Tall said, and held up a small yellow ingot to show he wasn’t joking.

    Well, that got a lot of people excited, and for ten minutes nearly everybody in the theatre tried cutting off her beard. But they couldn’t! It didn’t matter how strong they were, or how sharp the blades of their scissors. Nothing could cut through the bearded lady’s hair, not even a pair of garden shears which Mr Tall handed out. The funny thing was, it still felt soft, just like ordinary hair! We couldn’t understand why it couldn’t be cut.

    Finally, when everyone had admitted defeat, Mr Tall emptied the stage and Truska stood in the middle once again. She stroked her cheeks as before, and held her nose, but this time the beard began to grow back in! It took about two minutes for all the hairs to disappear back inside, and then she looked exactly the way she did when she first came out.

    She left to huge applause and the next act came on almost directly after.

    This time it was Hans Hands, a man who had no legs. His body was normal down to his waist, but there it stopped. He walked on his hands. He told us that he was born without legs and had learned to get along very nicely without them. He said there wasn’t anything he couldn’t do with his hands that normal people did with their feet.

    To prove his point, he called four men up to the stage and bet them a bar of gold that they couldn’t beat him in a race. They accepted his bet, then all five got down and lined up in a row.

    "We will race around the chairs," Hans told them, "and all the way around the theatre, until we get back here. First person back gets the gold."

    The men were laughing. They thought they were going to beat him easily, but I didn’t think they would. I remembered Truska’s beard, and I didn’t think any of the freaks would make bets unless they were sure they would win.

    Mr Tall blew the whistle and off they went. Hans raced into the lead. He was wearing strong leather gloves to protect his hands. He was able to swing his hands forward like a gorilla, taking huge steps.

    He got so far ahead, he was able to stop and wait for the others to catch up! He made a few jokes while he was waiting, then let them pass him by. He watched them run on ahead, then took off after them and made noises like a train. When he caught up, he pretended to bite their bums. One guy got so confused, he ran smack into a wall and nearly knocked himself out! It was very funny.

    Finally, when they were getting close to the end, Hans Hands took the lead and raced home as the winner. Everybody else was panting but he wasn’t even sweating. He only laughed and pulled himself back up onto the stage.

    "I would have won at the Olympics if they had let me compete," he said. "I can run the hundred metre sprint in under eight seconds!"

    After that, he did some gymnastics. He was able to do somersaults and cartwheels, and could stand upside-down on one hand using just two fingers! He must have been very strong.

    When he was finished, he hopped off-stage on his head! I suppose he wasn’t a real freak, only somebody who had learned to get along without legs, but he was a lot of fun to watch all the same.

    There was a short pause after Hans had left, and then Mr Tall came on. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "our next act is another unique and perplexing one. It can also be quite dangerous, so I ask that you make no noise and do not clap until you are told it is safe."

    The whole place went quiet. After what had happened with the wolf-man earlier, nobody needed telling twice!

    When it was quiet enough, Mr Tall walked off the stage. He shouted out the name of the next freak as he went, but it was a soft shout. "Mr Crepsley and Madam Octa!" he called.

    Then the lights went down low and a creepy-looking man walked out onto the stage. He was quite tall and thin, with very white skin and only a small bit of orange hair on top of his head. He had a large scar running down his left cheek. It reached to his lips and made it look like his mouth was stretching up the side of his face.

    He was dressed in dark red clothes and was carrying a small wooden cage, which he put on a table. When he was set, he turned and faced us. He bowed and smiled. He looked even scarier when he smiled, like a crazy clown in a horror movie I once saw! Then he stopped smiling and started explaining about the act.

    I nearly missed the first part of the speech because I wasn’t looking at the stage. I was watching Steve. You see, when Mr Crepsley had walked out, there had been total silence, just as Mr Tall had ordered, except for one person who had gasped really loudly.

    That person was Steve.

    I stared curiously at him. He was almost as white as Mr Crepsley and he was shaking all over. He’d even dropped the rubber model of Alexander Ribs that he’d bought earlier.

    His eyes were fixed on Mr Crepsley, as though they were glued to him, and as I watched him watch the freak, the thought which crossed my mind was, "He looks like he’s seen a ghost!"

    CHAPTER TWELVE

    "It is not true that all tarantulas are poisonous," Mr Crepsley said. He had a deep voice. I managed to tear my eyes away from Steve and train them on the stage. "Most are as harmless as the spiders you find anywhere in the world. And those which are poisonous normally only have enough poison in them to kill very small creatures.

    "But some are deadly!" he went on. "Some can kill a man with one bite quicker than ten rattlesnakes can. They are rare, and only found in extremely remote areas, but they do exist.

    "I have one such spider," he said and opened the door of the cage. For a few seconds nothing happened, but then the largest spider I had ever seen crawled out. It was green and purple and red, with long hairy legs and a big fat body. I wasn’t afraid of spiders, but this one looked terrifying.

    The spider walked forward slowly and seemed to look from left to right, as though sizing-up the audience. Then its legs bent and it lowered its body, like spiders waiting for flies do.

    "Madam Octa has been with me for several years," Mr Crepsley said. "She lives far longer than ordinary spiders. I am not sure how long, exactly, but the monk who sold her to me said some of her kind live to be twenty or thirty years old. She is an incredible creature, both poisonous and intelligent. Were she to take it into her mind, she could terrorise any nation and bring it to its knees."

    While he was speaking, one of the blue-hooded people led a sheep onto the stage. It was making a frightened baa-baa noise and kept trying to run. The hooded person tied it to the table and left it.

    The spider began moving when it saw and heard the sheep. It crept to the edge of the table, where it stopped, as though awaiting an order. Mr Crepsley produced a small flute from his trouser pocket and blew a few short notes. Madam Octa immediately leapt through the air and landed on the sheep’s neck.

    The sheep jumped about a metre high when the spider landed, and began baa-ing really loudly. Madam Octa took no notice, only hung on and moved a few centimetres closer to the head. When she was ready, she bared her fangs and sunk them into the sheep’s neck!

    The sheep froze and its eyes went wide. It stopped bleating and a few seconds later, toppled over on its side. I thought it was dead, but then realised it was still breathing.

    "This flute is how I control Madam Octa," Mr Crepsley said, and I looked away from the fallen sheep. He waved the flute slowly above his head. "Though we have been together such a long time, she is not a pet, and would surely kill me if I ever lost it.

    "The sheep is only paralysed at the moment," he said. "I have trained Madam Octa not to kill outright with her first bite. The sheep would die in the end, if we left it, but we are not that cruel." He blew the flute again and Madam Octa moved up the sheep’s neck until she was standing on its ear. Mr Crepsley blew again and once more she bared her fangs and sunk them in. This time the sheep shivered once, then went totally still.

    It was dead.

    Madam Octa dropped from the sheep and began crawling towards the front of the stage. The people in the front rows became very alarmed and some jumped to their feet. But they stopped dead in their tracks at a short command from Mr Crepsley.

    "Do not move!" he hissed. "Remember your earlier warning: a sudden movement or noise could mean death!"

    Everybody froze, though they couldn’t stop shivering with fright. Madam Octa stopped at the edge of the stage, then stood up on her two back legs, the same as a dog! Mr Crepsley blew softly on his flute and she began walking backwards, still on the two feet. When she reached the nearest leg of the table, she turned and climbed up.

    "You will be safe now," Mr Crepsley said, and the people in the front rows sat down again, as slowly and quietly as they could. "But please," Mr Crepsley added, "do not make any loud noises, because if you do, she might come after me."

    I don’t know if Mr Crepsley was really scared, or if it was part of the act, but he looked frightened. He wiped the sleeve of his right arm over his forehead, then placed the flute back in his mouth and whistled a strange little tune.

    Madam Octa cocked her head, then appeared to nod. She crawled across the table until she was in front of Mr Crepsley. He lowered his left hand, at the same time playing a new tune on the flute, and she started to crawl up his arm. The thought of those long hairy legs creeping along his flesh made me sweat all over!

    When she got to the top of his arm, she crept along his shoulder, then up his neck, over his ear, and didn’t stop until she reached the top of his head, where she lowered her body. She looked like a funny sort of hat, but I wouldn’t have worn it!

    "You may clap now," Mr Crepsley said, and the audience began applauding as softly as it could. When we finished, he began playing the flute again. Madam Octa slid down the other side of his face, along the scar, and walked around until she was standing upside-down on his chin. Then she spun a string of web and dropped down on it.

    She was hanging about ten centimetres below his chin now, and she slowly began rocking from side-to-side. Soon she was swinging about, getting fairly high, about level with his ears. Her legs were tucked in, and from where I was sitting she looked more like a ball of wool than a spider. But I wouldn’t have tried knitting a jumper with her!

    Then, as she was making an upward swing, Mr Crepsley threw his head back suddenly and she went flying straight up into the air. The thread snapped and she went tumbling around and around. I watched her go up, then come down. I thought she’d land on the floor or the table, but she didn’t. Instead, she landed in Mr Crepsley’s wide-open mouth!

    I nearly got sick when I thought of Madam Octa sliding down his throat and into his belly. I was sure she’d bite him on the way down and kill him. But the spider was a lot smarter than I knew. Because, as she was falling through the air, she had stuck her legs out, and they had caught on his lips.

    He brought his head forward, so we could see his face. His mouth was wide-open and Madam Octa was hanging between his lips. Her body was throbbing in and out of his mouth and she looked like a balloon which he was blowing-up and letting the air out of.

    It took me a few seconds to wonder where the flute was and how he was going to control the spider now that she was stuck in his mouth. Then Mr Tall appeared with another flute, which he began playing. He couldn’t play as well as Mr Crepsley, but he was good enough to make Madam Octa take notice. She listened, then began moving from one side of Mr Crepsley’s mouth to the other.

    I didn’t know what she was doing at first, so I craned my neck trying to see. Then I began to understand: she was spinning a web!

    When she was finished, she lowered herself from his chin, like she had before. There was a large web spun across Mr Crepsley’s mouth. He winked at the audience, then began chewing and licking the web! He ate the whole of it, then rubbed his belly (being careful not to hit Mrs. Octa) and said, "Yum-yum. Nothing tastier than fresh spider webs. They are a treat where I come from."

    I don’t know where Mr Crepsley came from, but if spider webs were treats there, I’d hate to think what they ate for normal meals!

    He did more tricks with Madam Octa after that. He made her push a ball across the table, then got her to balance on top of it. He got her jumping from one top of a box to another. She could leap almost the entire length of the table! Then he set up small pieces of gym gear, weight and ropes and rings, and put her through her paces. She was able to do all the things a human could, like lift weights above her head and climb ropes and pull herself up on the rings and do somersaults.

    After that he brought out a tiny dinner set. There were plates and mini knives and forks and teeny-weeny glasses. The plates were filled with dead flies and other dead insects. I don’t know what was in the glasses, and to tell you the truth, I’m not sure I want to!

    Madam Octa ate the dinner as neatly as you please. She was able to pick up the tiny knives and forks, four at a time, and feed herself the flies and insects. There was even a fake salt-cellar which she sprinkled over one of the dishes!

    It was round about the time she was drinking from the glass that I decided Madam Octa was the most amazing pet anybody could ever have, and that I would give anything in the world to own a spider like her.

    When the act was over, Mr Crepsley put the spider back in her cage and bowed low while everybody clapped. It had been a frightening act, and I heard a lot of people saying it wasn’t fair to have killed the poor sheep, but it had been thrilling.

    I turned to Steve to tell him how great I thought the spider was, but he was watching Mr Crepsley, his eyes glued on him as they had been earlier. He didn’t look scared anymore, but he didn’t look normal either.

    "Steve, what’s wrong?" I asked.

    He didn’t answer.

    "Steve?"

    "Ssshhh!" he snapped, and wouldn’t say another word until Mr Crepsley and the spider had left. He watched the odd looking man walk all the way back to the wings, his eyes never leaving him for an instant. Then he turned to me. "This is amazing!" he gasped.

    "You mean the spider?" I asked. "Yes, it was great, wasn’t it? How do you think –"

    "I’m not talking about the spider!" he said. "Who cares about a silly old spider? I’m talking about Mr … Crepsley." He paused just before saying the man’s name, as though he’d been about to call him something different.

    "Mr Crepsley?" I asked, confused. "What was so great about him? All he did was play the flute."

    "You don’t understand," Steve said angrily. "You don’t know who he is or where he comes from or anything."

    "And I suppose you do?" I asked.

    "Yes," he said, "as a matter of fact I do." Then he rubbed his chin and started looking worried again. "Now all I have to do," he muttered to himself, "is figure out what to do with the information." He paused, before adding: "Assuming, of course, we get out of here alive…"

    CHAPTER THIRTEEN

    There was another break after Mr Crepsley and Madam Octa’s act. I tried getting Steve to tell me more about who the man was and why he was being so mysterious, but his lips were sealed. All he said was, "I have to think about this." Then he closed his eyes, stuck his head between his hands and started thinking.

    They were selling more cool stuff during the break: beards like the bearded lady’s, toy models of Hans Hands and, best of all, rubber spiders which looked just like Madam Octa. I bought two, one for me and one for Annie. They weren’t as good as the real thing, but they’d have to do.

    They were also selling candy webs. I bought six of those, using up the last of my money, and ate two while I was waiting for the next freak to come out. They were yummy, a bit like candy-floss. I stuck the second one over my lips and licked at it, the same way Mr Crepsley had, and pretended I was him.

    When the next act was ready, the light went down and everybody settled back into their seats. Gertha Teeth was next up. She was a big woman, not exactly fat, but large all over. She had thick arms and thick legs and a thick neck and a thick head.

    "Ladies and gentlemen, I am Gertha Teeth!" she said. She sounded strict and wasn’t very friendly looking. "I have the strongest teeth in the world!" she said. "When I was a baby, my father put his fingers in my mouth, playing with me, and I bit two of them off! Nobody has put their fingers in my mouth since!"

    A few people started to laugh, but she stopped them with a furious look. "I am not a comedian!" she snapped. "If I want you to laugh, I will dress like a clown! If you laugh again, I will come down there and bite your nose off!" That sounded quite funny too, but nobody dared chuckle.

    She spoke very loudly. Every sentence was a shout and ended in an exclamation mark (!). I wouldn’t have liked to have Gertha Teeth for a mother. I bet she’s the sort who would send you to school even when you were sick, and make you wear short trousers no matter how old you were.

    "Dentists all over the word have been astounded by my teeth!" she said. "I have been examined in every major dental centre, but nobody has been able to work out why they are so tough! I have been offered huge amounts of money to become a guinea-pig, but I like travelling and so I have refused!"

    She picked up four steel bars, each about thirty centimetres long, but different widths. She asked for volunteers and four men went up on stage. She gave each of them one of the bars and asked them to try bending them. Well, they did their best, but they weren’t able. When they had failed, she took the thinnest bar, put it in her mouth, and bit clean through it!

    She handed the two halves back to the man and he stared at them in shock. He put one end in his own mouth and bit on it, to check that it was real steel. His howls when he almost cracked his teeth assured everybody that it wasn’t a fake.

    Gertha did the same to the second and third bars, each of which was thicker than the first. Then, when it came to the fourth bar, the thickest of the lot, she chewed it to pieces like a chocolate bar. She rolled the pieces round in her mouth and went on chewing. In the end, she started spitting bits out into the audience. One landed on the man in the row in front of us, and I was able to see that the metal had been shaped into a bullet by her teeth!

    When the bars were finished, two of the blue-hooded assistants brought out a large radiator and she bit holes in it! Then they gave her a bike and she chewed it up into a little ball, tyres and all! I don’t think there was anything in the world Gertha Teeth couldn’t chew her way through if she set her mind to it.

    After a while, she called some more volunteers up on stage. She gave one a sledge-hammer and a large chisel, one a hammer and smaller chisel, and the other an electric saw. Then she lay flat on her back and put the large chisel in her mouth. She nodded at the first volunteer to swing the sledge at the chisel.

    The man with the sledge-hammer was shaking and didn’t look like he wanted to do it. He shook his head, but Gertha insisted, and so finally he raised the sledge-hammer high above his head and brought it down. I thought he was going to smash her face open, and so did lots of other people, because there were loads of gasps and some people covered their eyes with their hands.

    But gertha was no fool. At the last possible second she swung out of the way and the sledge slammed into the floor. She sat up and spat the chisel out of her mouth. "Hah!" she snorted. "How crazy do you think I am?"

    Then one of the blue-hoods came out and took the sledge from the man. "I only called you up here to show the sledge is real!" she told him. "Now," she said to those of us in the audience, "watch!"

    She lay back again and stuck the chisel in her mouth once more. The blue-hood waited a moment, then raised the sledge high and swung it down even faster and harder than the man had. It struck the top of the chisel and there was a fierce noise. My teeth grinded together at the sound and my spine went tingly.

    Gertha sat up and I expected to see her teeth falling out of her mouth, but when she opened it and removed the chisel, there wasn’t as much as a crack to be seen anywhere! She smiled, then laughed. "Hah!" she said. "You thought I had bitten off more than I could chew!" And this time she waved a hand to show it was OK to laugh.

    She let the second volunteer go to work then, the one with the smaller hammer and chisel. She warned him to be careful of her gums, then let him position the chisel on her teeth and whack away at them. He nearly hammered his arm off, he was trying so hard to make a dent in her teeth, but he wasn’t able to harm them.

    The third volunteer tried sawing them off with the electric saw. She made him cut through a piece of wood first, to prove the blade was sharp. He ran that saw from one side of her mouth to the other, and sparks were flying everywhere, but when he put it down and the dust had cleared, Gertha’s teeth were as white and gleaming and solid as ever.

    Gertha got a huge round of applause when she left. I still didn’t like the look of her much but I sure as hell respected her.

    The Siamese twins, Sive and Seersa, came on after Gertha. Their act was pretty good, but a bit dull compared to the others. I think they were put on at the end in order to give people a chance to get their breath back.

    Sive and Seersa were joined from their hips to their shoulders. They had four legs between them, but only two arms. They dressed in different clothes, though of course the clothes had to be stitched together in the middle. They were pretty, not very old. They didn’t say much, but when they did speak it was in low giggly voices.

    They started off by asking if anybody had a book. A few people had and a couple were brought up on stage. Sive covered her eyes with a cloth and Seersa began reading from the book. Seersa would read half a line, then pause, and Sive would finish it! They told us they had two separate brains, but thought as one person.

    Next they got people up on stage and asked them to write things down on sheets of paper. They could write anything: their name, the date, a poem, whatever. Then one of the twins would cover her eyes and the other would study the writing, and the one with the covered eyes would tell us what it said. They never got it wrong!

    After that, Seersa swallowed a glass of water and Sive spat it back up! They did the same thing with a meatball and also with a string of spaghetti. It was cool!

    When Sive and Seersa were finished, Mr Tall came out and thanked us for coming. I thought the freaks would come out again and line up in a row or something, but they didn’t. Instead, all that happened was, Mr Tall said we could buy more stuff at the back of the hall on the way out. He asked us to mention the show to our friends and not to tell the police. Then he thanked us again for coming and said that was it, the show was over.

    I was a bit disappointed that it had ended so weakly, but it was late and I suppose the freaks were tired. I got to my feet, picked up the stuff I’d bought, and turned to say something to Steve.

    Steve was looking behind me, up at the balcony, his mouth wide open. I turned to see what he was looking at, and as I did, people behind us began to scream. When I looked up, I saw why.

    There was a huge snake up on the balcony, one of the longest I had ever seen, and it was sliding down one of the poles towards the people at the bottom!
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  • / DELETED SCENES - DARREN AND THE WOLVES - from Book 6
  • 05 May 2010
    The following scenes are all in "The Vampire Prince", but with slight differences. When I wrote the first draft of the book, I gave the wolves quite human emotions -- until my editor pointed out the fact that this made them seem like Lassie!! But here, for those of you who are curious, are what the scenes with the wolves first read like.

    The Vampire Prince

    CHAPTER SEVEN

    A few more days slipped by. I was so glad to be alive, I was savouring every moment of it. My body had healed almost completely, though faint bruises lingered in certain parts. My strength had returned. I was full of vim and vinegar (one of my Dad’s expressions; I never figured out what it actually meant), rearing to go.

    I took hardly any notice of the cold. I’d grown used to the nip of the wind and the chill of the snow. The occasional strong blast set me shivering, but most of the time I felt as natural wandering about as the wolves.

    I’d been accepted as an equal member of the pack now that I was back on my feet, and I was constantly out hunting — since I was able to run faster than the wolves, my services were in great demand. I was gradually coming to terms with the way they thought and communicated. I couldn’t read their thoughts but most of the time I had a good idea what they were thinking — I could tell by the way they hunched their shoulders, widened or narrowed their eyes, perked or dropped their ears and tails, growled or barked or whined. On the hunt, if Streak or another wolf wanted me to go to the left or the right, they only had to look at me and twitch their heads. If a she-wolf wanted me to play with her cubs, she howled in a certain soft way, and I knew she was calling me.

    The wolves, for their part, seemed able to understand everything I said. I rarely spoke – there wasn’t much need for words – but whenever I did, they’d cock their heads intently and listen, then reply with a yap or gesture.

    We moved around a lot, as was the wolfen way. I kept an eye open for Vampire Mountain, but didn’t spot it. That puzzled me — the reason the wolves met out here in the wilds was to converge on the mountain and eat the leftovers that the vampires threw to them. I decided to ask Streak about it, though I didn’t think he’d be able to comprehend my question or fashion a reply. To my surprise, when I mentioned Vampire Mountain, the hackles rose on the back of his neck and he growled.

    “You don’t want to go there?” I asked. “Why not?” Streak put his nose to my right palm, smelt it, and licked me. Then he put his nose to my left palm, smelt it, and growled. “The vampaneze?” I guessed. By the expression in his eyes, I knew I was right. The wolves knew of the plotting vampaneze hidden away in the secret tunnels and caves, and that’s why they were avoiding the mountain.

    CHAPTER NINE

    Once we were back with the pack, I explained to Streak that I had to leave. The wolf didn’t understand why I was so eager to go, so I told him about the vampaneze and the threat they posed to the vampires. “I have to get to the Princes and warn them about Kurda,” I said.

    When I finished, Streak yapped and made a few gestures with his paws and head.

    “I know it’s a long way,” I said. He looked at me and blinked slowly. “You’ll come with me as a guide?” I interpreted. “Thanks.” Streak then went through a series of perplexing motions, clawing the snow, then running his nose over the marks he’d made. When he repeated them, I understood what he was asking. “I think I’ll be able to find my way up through the tunnels, but I don’t know who I can trust any more. I doubt if Kurda has many vampire accomplices, but I think the Guardians of the Blood are working with him. Also, the guards on the main gate might execute me on sight.”

    Streak ran his nose over the tracks he’d made again, then turned and padded away. I followed, wondering what the wily wolf was up to.

    He led me to a shabby she-wolf resting slightly away from the rest of the pack. I’d noticed her before, but hadn’t paid much attention to her — she was very old, not far from death’s door, and hadn’t much to do with the pack. The younger wolves occasionally tossed her scraps of food, but didn’t make a fuss of her, and never invited her to hunt or care for cubs. Wolves were like that with the weak or elderly.

    The she-wolf regarded us suspiciously as we approached. Struggling to her feet, she backed away cautiously, but Streak dropped to his belly and rolled over to show he meant no harm. I did the same and the she-wolf relaxed. When Streak sat up, he pressed close to the she-wolf, whose eyes weren’t strong, and stared at her long and hard, communicating wordlessly. He made marks in the snow, similar to the ones he’d made for me, then barked at the old she-wolf. She peered at the marks a moment, then made a few of her own, and I understood what was happening — the she-wolf knew a secret way into the mountain!

    The she-wolf – I decided to call her Magda (my grandmother’s name) – looked at the pair of marks a while, then shook her scraggly head. I gathered that she was reluctant to lead me. “It’s OK, Streak,” I said. “She doesn’t have to take me. She’s too old anyway to go clawing through a load of dank tunnels. I’ll find my own –”

    Magda sprang to her feet and snapped at me — she hadn’t liked what I’d said! “Sorry,” I smiled quickly. “No offence meant.”

    Streak was panting, amused, but when Magda looked at him again, he adopted a doleful expression, and I sensed him telling her that he agreed with me — she was too old, and he was sorry he’d bothered her. Turning his rear on her, he led me away.

    Magda barked loudly, calling us back. She sat up straight, trying to look dignified, then made a few more marks in the snow with her right paw. She looked up at me and barked questioningly — she wanted to know which part of the mountain I wished to get to. “The Hall of Princes,” I said, drawing a blank response. “The dome high up in the mountain,” I tried again, making a curved shape in the air with my hands. “The Princes live there.”

    Magda focused on my hands as they made a dome shape, and she yapped understandingly. “You can guide me there?” I asked. Magda hesitated, dragg”ed ed her paws slowly through the snow and gazed at me. “I know it’s a long climb. And hard. I won’t ask you to guide me if you don’t feel you can.”

    Magda stared at the marks she’d made in the snow, then looked down at her bony, age-mottled body. Next she studied the younger wolves of the pack, as they lay contentedly around the glade or played with their cubs. Fixing her eyes on me, Magda nodded — she’d take me. “Thank you,” I said earnestly. Streak made a rumbling noise deep in his throat — he was asking when I wanted to leave. “How long will it take us to get to Vampire Mountain?” I asked. Streak shrugged — wolves have no conception of time as humans understand it. “If we set off when the sun comes up, will we be there before it goes down?” Streak barked firmly. I faced Magda. “If we start up the tunnels when the sun rises, will we make the top by night?” Magda nodded, but less certainly than Streak.

    “OK,” I decided. “We’ll have to chance it — I don’t want to move about when it’s dark, in case we run into vampires. We’ll make the trek to the mountain tomorrow and rest up when night falls. The next day, we’ll strike for the top.”

    Streak jerked his head at Magda and led her through the pack to feast on fresh meat which the fit adult wolves had been keeping to themselves — he wanted to feed her up before we set off.

    I barely slept that night. I kept thinking about the journey ahead and if we’d be able to make it in time; if Magda really knew the way, or if the old she-wolf would lead me astray; and – most worrying – how I could contact the Princes directly, before some over-anxious guard or co-conspirator of Kurda’s saw me and seized the chance to hack me down dead.

    *

    We set off with the first light of dawn, me, Streak, Magda, and two other wolves – a pair of young males – who were coming along for the adventure. The going was good at first. Wolves can’t run especially fast but are incredibly durable, able to maintain a steady pace for hours on end. We surged through the forest, across snow and rocks, making great time.

    Then Magda tired. The she-wolf wasn’t used to matching the pace of young, tireless males, and wilted. The wolves would have run on ahead, leaving her to catch up later, but I didn’t like the idea of abandoning her. When they saw me slow down to jog along beside her, they checked and circled back to join us.

    We rested for a few minutes every hour or so. I recognised my surroundings now. By my reckoning, we should reach the tunnels a couple of hours before sunset, which would be perfect.

    It actually took a little longer than I thought. When the ground rose, Magda’s pace slowed even further. We still made the tunnels an hour before the sun went down, but I was filled with pessimism — Magda was in very poor shape. If the route to the tunnels had left her panting for breath and shaking with exhaustion, how would she cope with a long, tasking climb up the mountain?

    I asked Streak about it while Magda slept. He signalled that I shouldn’t worry. Even if she collapsed before the end, the she-wolf would be able to guide us most of the way — we could make the last leg of the climb ourselves. “But I don’t want her pushing herself too hard on my account,” I objected.

    From Streak’s long, complicated response, I gathered that she wasn’t doing it for me — but for herself. Old wolves seldom got the opportunity to shine. Magda was relishing her role and would rather die on the climb than quit. As a half-vampire, I un—dersderstood that, so even though I wasn’t pleased about letting the she-wolf tire herself out, I decided not to deter her. If pride mattered that much to her, it would be wrong of me to deprive her of it.

    We spent the night waiting in the tunnel near the base of the mountain. The young wolves were restless and eager to proceed, but Streak growled at them occasionally and kept them in place. Finally, as the sun rose on the land outside, we climbed.

    The tunnels Magda led us through were mostly narrow and unused. Many were natural tunnels, as opposed to the mainly vampire-carved tunnels which linked the Halls. A lot of crawling and slinking along on our bellies was required. An older, larger vampire couldn’t have followed the wolves, so I had cause to be grateful for my size.

    We stopped for regular periods of rest. The climb was having a dreadful effect on Magda – she looked ready to topple over and die – but she wasn’t the only one who found the going tough. All of us were sweating and panting, groaning from aching muscles and bones.

    “How did you find these tunnels?” I asked Magda while we rested in a cave that was faintly lit by luminous lichen. Between shakes and shallow gasps, she explained with a series of gestures and looks, but I wasn’t able to make sense of them.

    CHAPTER TEN

    Some hours later, we reached the lower Halls at the top of the mountain, and skirted around them. We passed disturbingly close to the store-rooms at one stage. I could hear vampires at work behind the walls, getting ready for the large feast which would follow Kurda’s investiture. I held my breath and listened for a few minutes but their words were muffled and I soon moved on, for fear one of them would discover us.

    Higher up the mountain, we came to a tunnel which cut upwards sharply. Magda studied the tunnel, then turned and gazed at me, letting me know that this was the way to the Hall of Princes. As I dashed forward, eager to check, Magda about-faced and limped away.

    “Where are you going?” I asked. She paused and looked back. “You can’t manage the climb?” She nodded. “Well, wait here and we’ll collect you later.” Magda shook her head, pawed the ground, sighed weakly, and stared up at me again. “You’re going away to die?” I whispered. The expression in her dilated eyes was answer enough. “But … Magda … you mustn’t!” I gasped. “You’ve come so far. If you just lie down and rest, I’m sure –”

    Magda interrupted with a short shake of her head. Staring into her sad eyes, I began to comprehend that this was what she wanted. She’d known when she set out that the journey would prove too much for her. She’d chosen to undertake it all the same and die usefully, rather than struggle along after the pack for another season or two, perishing slowly and miserably. She was prepared for death, and welcomed it.

    Crouching, I ran my hands over the tired she-wolf’s head and tugged gently at the thin remains of her mane. “Thank you,” I said simply. Magda licked me, rubbed her nose against my left cheek, then hobbled away into darkness, to find a secluded spot where she could lie down and quietly leave this world behind.

    CHAPTER ELEVEN

    I told Streak where I was going [to tell Seba about Kurda]. He was against the idea, but I said I’d no choice. He offered to accompany me, but I said it would be for the best if he and the two other wolves stayed here. Streak gave me a look, asking what he should do if I failed to reappear. “Return to the pack,” I told him. “This isn’t your fight. There’s nothing you can do.”

    The wolf shook his head and made some peculiar gestures. He had to repeat them several times before I understood. “You’ll find Mr Crepsley and tell him what’s been happening?” I frowned. Streak yapped positively. “Do you think you can communicate that clearly with him?” The wolf nodded. “OK — but don’t try it unless all else fails, and take care if you do.”

    CHAPTER TWELVE

    The wolves didn’t like it when I told them there was no role for them in the plans Seba and me had concocted. They wanted to get involved, especially the two younger wolves. They hadn’t come all this way to sit back and not take part. “But you could be killed,” I warned them. “I’m hoping the guards won’t attack me, but if they see three stray wolves, the chances ces are they’ll react impulsively and toss their spears at you.”

    The wolves sniffed disinterestedly — they didn’t care about the danger. They’d come to help expose the rot, and they’d take it as a personal insult if I cut them out of the action now. “OK,” I conceded. “You can help. But be careful who you attack — I don’t want to injure any guards who raise their weapons against us simply because it’s their job.”
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  • / SHORT STORIES - AN ESSAY ON VAMPIRES “by” Steve Leopard - Book 1 tie-in story
  • 05 May 2010
    The following is a recently discovered essay, written by Steve Leopard when he was at school. The date is missing, so we're not sure what age he was or what class he was in when he wrote it, but we think he was about 11 or 12 years old at the time.

    VIVA VAMPIRES!!

    Vampires are cool! They can live for centuries without growing old, and they have many magical powers, and they can do whatever they like — except walk about in the daylight!

    I have 62 books about vampires, or with bits in them about vampires. I'm not sure how many vampire movies I've seen, but I must have seen at least 50, probably a lot more. My favourite is Salem's Lot. The vampire in that film is really scary — bald and ugly, with long claws and very sharp fangs. I had nightmares when I first saw it, and I love having nightmares, so that was great!

    My Mum isn't too keen on vampires, but maybe that's because of the time I squirted loads of tomato ketchup under the covers of her bed – so it looked like a pool of blood – and left a plastic vampire bat in it!!

    There are lots of legends about vampires. Many of them, I think, are made up. I doubt if vampires can turn into fog or don't cast a shadow or turn to ash if they are hit with holy water or touched with a cross. And I'd be very surprised if they don't have reflections or if they can turn into bats and fly. I mean, bats have to learn how to fly. If a vampire turned into a bat, he'd probably just fall flat on the floor or bash into things while he was trying to fly.

    I think the stories about bats started because vampires are friendly with bats. The books I've read – the serious, true books – say that bats and rats and wolves are kind of vampire pets. Vampires feed and look after them, just like humans feed and look after dogs.

    I'd much rather have a bat than a dog for a pet. I asked my Mum to get me a bat or a rat for my last birthday, but she said "Not in this lifetime, buddy!" My Mum is soooooooo boring!

    Vampires have to drink blood to survive. This is DEFINITELY true. I don’t know how much they need to drink, or how often, but a vampire will die if he doesn’t drink the right amount of blood. Drinking blood helps vampires live so long. I think that maybe humans might live longer if they drank blood too – then again, maybe they’d just get sick and die!

    My best friend Darren Shan says he’d rather eat mud than drink blood, but I think drinking blood is cool. When I have cuts on my knees or elbows, I like to pick at my scabs and drink the small bit of blood that comes out. It’s very tasty!

    Vampires are super-strong and super-fast, much stronger and faster than humans. They can punch through brick walls and run 100 metres in three or four seconds. If a vampire entered the Olympics, he’d win every gold medal in every event.

    Most vampires are men. There are a few women vampires, but most women who want to get magic powers and live a long time prefer to become witches. I don’t know why this is so. Maybe it’s because most vampires feed upon adults – there’s more blood in a grown-up – whereas most witches eat little children. Since good women love to have and mind little children, I guess it’s only natural that evil women love to eat them!

    To kill a vampire, you have to drive a stake through his heart. The stake doesn’t have to be made out of wood — hard plastic or steel will do too. Another way to kill a vampire is to cut off his head and stuff it with garlic. Or you can burn him. Or, if you can find him while he’s sleeping in the day, you can drag him out into sunlight and leave him to burn.

    I feel quite sorry for vampires. They’re always being hunted and killed. I think people should leave them alone. Long ago, people sacrificed beautiful girls to their gods, and the gods left the rest of them alone. I think that’s what we should do with vampires. If we gave vampires a few beautiful girls every so often, I’m sure they’d just drink from them and not bother anybody else.

    There are a couple of girls in my class I’d like to give to a vampire — and one or two teachers too!!!

    To become a vampire, you have to drink the blood of another vampire, or else he has to do a blood transfer on you. It’s not true that you become a vampire when a vampire has drunk all your blood. All you become in that case is dead!

    I’d love to become a vampire. I think it would be wonderful. I’d roam the world for hundreds of years, seeing loads of stuff I’d never see as a human. People would have to do what I said, or I’d drink their blood and kill them. I’d become a wrestler or a boxer and win every fight because of my super-strength. I’d have dozens of pet rats and bats, and I’d teach them every trick in the book. I might even marry a witch if I got lonely, but if she tried to cast a spell on me, I’d throw her to my pet wolf!

    It would be great to be a vampire, but I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to become one, not until I grow up and move away from home. I mean, where are you going to run into a vampire around here?!?

    * * * * *

    Author's note: A teacher's report was attached to the end of the essay. He or she wrote: "B-. Very good, Steve, very imaginative, but a bit on the dark and miserable side. Why don't you write about clowns or something fun next time?"
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  • / SHORT STORIES - ANNIE’S DIARY - Book 1 tie-in story
  • 05 May 2010
    The following diary extracts are part of the Darren Shan archives, made available to us by the archive director. The entries are from Annie Shan's diary. Annie was very young when her brother first met Mr Crepsley at the Cirque Du Freak, and these pages were written around that time. She included no dates, and though we could have filled them in, we have chosen to present the entries as they were written. Any spelling mistakes are reproduced as they appear in the diary.

    ANNIE SHAN’S DIARY

    Wednesday. Got 9/10 in my spellings today. Teecher says I’m getting better all the time. Maya brought a new yoyo in and showed off tricks with it. She can do loads of stuff. I asked Dad to get me a yoyo for my next birthday but thats ages away. I wish I had one now. I hate wayting.

    Thursday. Darren had news. One of his dumb frends found a piece of paper about a special circus called the Sirk Doo Freek. The people in it are all weird. He said theres a snakeboy, a wolfman, and a bearded lady. It sounds great. He wants to go to it but I don’t think he’ll get in. I’d love to go but I know he won’t take me even if he goes. I don’t care. I’ll go to all the Sirk Doo Freeks I want when I’m older and I won’t take him to any. I’d really like to see a bearded lady though. It must be weird to have a beard. I hope I don’t ever grow one.

    Friday. Darren’s going to the Cirque Du Freak!! (He told me how to spell it proper.) Steve got tickets and the two of them are going. Theyre going to sneak off to it, becos Mum and Dad wouldn’t let them go if they knew. Why does all the good stuff happen to Darren? Why don’t I ever get tickets to freak shows? Its rotten. But he said he’d bring me back something so its not too bad I suppose. I hope he’s OK at it. I don’t want him to get eaten by the wolfman or snakeboy!

    Saturday. He left tonight with Steve. Told Mum and Dad that he was staying at Steves house. I asked him to bring me a picture of the bearded lady but he says he doesn’t think they allow cameras there. If they get caught, he’ll be grounded forever! Hee-hee-hee!!!

    Sunday. Darren said the Cirque Du Freak was great. He bought me a toy spider to play with. He says it looks just like madam Octa, a poisonos spider in the show who killed a goat while everyone watched. That bit sounded horrible! He also bought me candy spider webs which were delishus. I made him tell me all about the circus. It sounds scary. The wolfman bit off a womans arm, and the man who owns the Cirque Du Freak sewed it back on! I wish more than ever now that I could have gone, but Darren looks like he didn’t enjoy it as much as he says. He’s very white and shook a lot of the time as if he was cold. Also he came home by himself and told Mum and Dad that he and Steve had had a fight. I asked him about Steve but he wouldn’t say anything about him. I don’t know why.

    Monday. I had a nightmare about the wolfman and the spider. I dreamt the wolfman bit my arm off. Then a spider sewed it back on with webs, but then I turned into a spider. It was horrible and scary. I hope I dream it again tonight!!

    Tuesday. Woke very early this morning. Had to go to the toilet. The door of Darren’s bedroom was open and I saw he wasn’t in bed. I checked downstairs but he wasn’t there. Later, I heard him come in before Mum and Dad woke. He got back into bed and pretended to be asleep when they called him for school. I don’t know where he was or what he was doing. I’m dying to ask but he’d think I was spying on him. He behaved even weirder tonight. He sat in his room all night, only came down for dinner, and he was white as a ghost. Mum thinks he might be sick but he looked more scared than sick to me.

    Wednesday. Darren better. Smiling and cheery. Even bought a pizza out of his own money tonight and gave me a slice! Boys are WEIRD!!!!!

    Saturday. Went shoping with Mum. Got four big bags full of great clothes and hats. Can’t wayt to try them all on. Darren was playing a flute when we got back. It was really just a tin whistle but he calls it a flute. Mum thought it was great but I think he was no good. I could play it much better. He says he found it. Why don’t I ever find stuff like that? Rotten!!

    Wednesday. Hardly seen Darren all week. He’s been in his room playing his stupid bloody flute all the time. I don’t know why he’s so mad about it. If it was my flute I’d be bored with it by now. Mum says he might become a music-player when he grows up but I don’t think he’s good enough. He won’t even give me a go on it, the rotter!

    Friday. Dad made Darren let me use the flute, but he took it back from me as soon as Dad was gone. He sits in his room playing it all the time. I’m sick of it. Tomorrow I’m going to bust in and take it from him and throw it away. That will teach him to let me play with his stuff and to stop being so rotten!

    Saturday. Oh no! Oh please! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! He should have told me. I didn’t know. I must stop writing now. We have to hurry to hospital. Oh please don’t let him die. PLEASE!!!!!
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  • / SHORT STORIES - TINY TERRORS - Book 2 tie-in story
  • 05 May 2010
    This is an account of a graveyard incident which took place shortly before Mr Desmond Tiny and his Little People returned to the Cirque Du Freak in the second book of the series, "The Vampire's Assistant". The text was found in a hollow skull in the cave of a sorceress called Evanna. It was written in blood on dried frog skin.

    Tiny Terrors

    A long white worm crawled across Mr Tiny's right wellington boot. The short man in the yellow suit watched quietly as it crept across the toes of the green boot. When it got to the end it stopped and raised its head, searching for a direction. Mr Tiny bent, picked up the worm, then flicked it away over the graveyard wall. Chuckling, he turned back towards the grave and ducked quickly as a load of damp earth came shooting towards him.

    "Careful, fools!" he barked at the two creatures in the open grave. "Do you know how difficult it is to clean this thing?" He brushed down the lapels of his smart yellow suit and tutted.

    In the grave, two small creatures in dark blue hooded robes gazed up at their master and said nothing, waiting for him to speak again.

    "Go on," he sighed, stepping aside so he was out of their range. "Continue."

    At Mr Tiny's order, the Little People bent and began digging again. They used only their wide, grey hands, shovelling the dirt out of the grave with their fingers, swiftly working their way down to the coffin at the bottom of the grave.

    Mr Tiny sniffed the air and sighed happily. He loved the smell of graveyards. The stench of rotting flesh, decaying bones and fetid earth was perfume to his nostrils. Sometimes he wished he was capable of falling asleep, just so he could sleep in a graveyard and wake up to that wonderfully rancid smell. But Mr Tiny was not a person for sleeping. He was forever awake, forever vigilant, forever fiddling with the living and the dead.

    There was a dull thumping sound: the Little People had dug through to the lid of the coffin. Mr Tiny waited patiently for them to clear it, then ordered them out of the grave. Jumping down, he tapped three times on the head of the coffin, then three times on its base. He jammed one foot against either wall of the grave, then whistled softly. The wood of the coffin lid trembled, then crumbled to dust and fell away, revealing the corpse within.

    The dead body was that of a man. He had died only a couple of weeks earlier and was in relatively good condition. Mr Tiny reached down, picked him up with one powerful hand, and tossed him to the two Little People standing above him.

    "He'll do," Mr Tiny said, climbing out of the grave. The Little People laid the body down next to the four others they had dug up since coming to the graveyard, then quickly filled in the grave and got busy digging on the next one.

    Mr Tiny studied the five bodies, all different shapes and sizes. He preferred dead people to the living. There was a strange beauty in death. Living people were always moving and talking and fidgeting. Only when they were dead could you get a good long close-up look at them and appreciate the intricate wonder of their design.

    While Mr Tiny was brooding upon the differences between life and death, the heart-shaped watch he always carried with him chimed softly. Glancing down, he checked the time, then nodded understandingly. "How time flies," he sighed.

    Stepping away from the bodies, Mr Tiny spread his arms wide, threw his head back, and opened his mouth and eyes wide. The heart-shaped watch began to glow a dark, pearly red. As it grew in strength, Mr Tiny's hair changed colour, from a pale white to a vibrant red. His suit also reddened, and his skin, and soon only his green wellington boots retained their original colour.

    When the small man was a pillar of burning, glowing redness, the air in front of him shimmered. A doorway formed, with jagged red edges, and a procession of Little People - just like the two digging in the graveyard - passed through. The land they came from was grey and cold, like their skin, but they took no notice of the change in surroundings, merely stepped through the doorway and circled their demon-red master.

    Once the last of the Little People had crossed over into the graveyard, the doorway dulled and disappeared. The angry red glow seeped from Mr Tiny, first from his suit and hair, then from his skin, finally from his heart-shaped watch. His mouth closed and his eyes narrowed. He let out a hot breath of air, shivered, then glanced around at the ten silent Little People.

    "So much time to play with," he murmured. "So few servants. Ah well: life would be dull if it was easy."

    Clapping his hands, he told the two diggers to quit their task and join the others. When the dozen Little People were standing around him, he turned slowly, casting an eye over them all, and nodded approvingly. He stopped when his eyes alighted on one of the Little People. "You," he grunted. "Step forward." The Little Person obeyed, and took three step forwards, limping slightly on his left leg.

    Mr Tiny spotted the limp, recognised the Little Person, and recalled the vital role he was to play in the grander scheme of things. Stooping, he locked gazes with the green-eyed creature for several long, searching seconds. The Little Person gazed back emotionlessly.

    "Do you know who you are?" Mr Tiny asked. "Do you remember our deal? Do you know what you have to do?"

    The Little Person said nothing, but shook his head slowly, from left to right.

    "Good," Mr Tiny beamed. "This is not the time for you to know. But bear this in mind: when we get to the Cirque Du Freak - which is where we are going - I want you to keep a very close watch on the one they call ... Darren Shan. Understand?"

    The Little Person paused, filed the name away, then nodded obediently.

    "Excellent!" Mr Tiny rubbed his hands together, stepped through the ranks of Little People, and stood looking down at the five corpses on the damp night grass. "Now," he mused aloud, "I wonder what we should do with these ..."

    For a moment he hesitated, mulling it over, and then, with a grin born of an inhuman soul, he turned to the nearest Little People, produced a knife and fork out of thin air, and asked conversationally, "Torso or limb?"
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  • / SHORT STORIES - TRANSYLVANIA TREK - A story “written by” Sam Grest
  • 05 May 2010
    The following story was written by Sam Grest when he was nine years old. It was scrawled in red ink on a few tattered scraps of A4 paper and was found in an old shoe box full of similarly themed stories and poems.

    TRANSYLVANIA TREK by SAMUEL Z. GREST

    CHAPTER ONE : THE MYSTERY BEGINS

    As soon as the phone rang I knew I was in trouble. I always know when trouble's brewing, because the blue rat who lives inside my head starts to shiver with fear. When the phone rang he shivered so much that my eyeballs started juggling up and down.

    "What's wrong?" I asked, picking up the phone and shaking my head to stop the blue rat from shivering. I listened carefully. It was Moss Biskin, who I knew from when I had to kill a zombie who was eating school kids in Brussels. He said he was in Transylvania, looking for vampires (Moss is always looking for something or other), and he'd found --

    The phone went dead before he could finish. "Moss?" I asked, giving it a shake in case it was only faulty wiring. There was no answer. "This is bad," I said to the blue rat. "Tell me about it!" he squeaked. "I think you should pretend you never got that phone call." "You know I can't do that," I said. "I know," the blue rat sighed, then crawled out my left ear and slid down my shoulder to the floor. "Sorry, Sam, but I can't go with you this time. It's too dangerous. I don't think you'll come back." Then he ran away down a hole. I didn't blame him. I knew he had a wife and forty-six ratlings to think about.

    CHAPTER TWO : ON THE WINGS OF DANGER

    I knew it was going to be a rocky flight when I saw the stewardesses wearing parachutes. They pretended it was just for a test, but I knew better. When the plane started shaking halfway to Transylvania, and they jumped out the door, leaving me and the other passengers behind, I wasn't the least bit surprised.

    "Calm down!" I shouted when everyone started screaming. "I'll take care of this. Sit down and don't say anything. And don't move about, in case you rock the plane too much."

    When everyone was sitting, I ran to the front of the plane and burst down the door. There was a creature inside who would have scared a lesser mortal to death. He was huge, with two big wings and dark green fangs. I didn't know who he was, but there was something familiar about him. "Let's see you get out of this one, Grest!" the creature grunted, ripping off the plane's steering wheel and throwing it at me. I ducked out of the way of the wheel, but when I stood up again the creature had leapt through the window and went flying away with his wings.

    If the blue rat was with me, I could have sent him down the hole left by the steering wheel and he could have put the wires back together and drove the plane from in there. But I was all alone. Of course I could have jumped out and used the mini parachute I always carry in the heel of my left shoe, but there were the other passengers to think about. So I ripped off the entire front buttons and levers cover and grabbed the wires myself. It wasn't easy but I managed to land the plane in a very big pond just down the road from Dracula's castle. When I'd got everyone else out, the plane sank and I jumped ashore.

    I had arrived in Transylania!!!

    CHAPTER THREE : "COUNT DRACULA, I PRESUME"

    Dracula's castle had been abandoned for years but I wasn't fooled. I knew the vampire was there. Who else could have caused the brave and daring Moss Biskin so much fear? Going up the mountain, I tried to get to the castle before the sun went down, but I'd forgot to put my watch forward, so I got the time wrong, and it sank down behind the castle just as I got to the big front door.

    I stood there for ages, not sure what to do next. I knew I should run away until morning, when the sun came back up. But Moss Biskin was in danger and needed my help. So, even though I knew I was maybe signing my death warrant, I pushed the door open and went in.

    There were cobwebs all over the place, big and huge, white and sticky. I didn't see the spiders but I could hear them rubbing their legs together and hissing as I went past.

    "We meet again!" the creature from the plane shouted, leaping out behind me when I got to a tall balcony and locking his arms around me. "Now I'll kill you at last, for murdering my brother!" Now I knew why he looked familiar. I'd killed his brother, the Monster From Mongolia, a couple of months before. "You won't kill me any more than your brother did," I laughed, grabbing him by his fangs and throwing him over the edge of the balcony. "Noooooo!" he screamed as he fell, but it was no good. He landed hard on the floor and broke his back, then the spiders came down and ate him alive while he was sreaming. It was horrible but he deserved it.

    "Vell done, Meester Grest," Dracula said. Turning quickly, I saw that he was standing in front of me, smiling nastily. "You are a vorthy opponent. Such a peety I have to kill you." Saying that, he pressed a switch and the floor beneath me disappeared. I dropped into a pit full of poisonous cobra snakes.

    CHAPTER FOUR : A NARROW ESCAPE

    I would have been a goner, except I know how to charm snakes and always carry a flute in my bag. Pulling it out, I started to play, and soon all the snakes were asleep. Dracula saw this and cursed down at me. He threw big rocks down on me, trying to kill me, but all he did was wake and anger the cobras, who slithered up and attacked him. He ran away from them, screaming as they bit his legs and bum. I laughed and started after him.

    That was when my real enemy leapt forward and showed himself.

    CHAPTER FIVE : THE TRUE FACE OF EVIL

    I realised too late that Dracula was only a decoy. He wasn't what Moss Biskin had rang to tell me about. It was a werewolf who was killing all the people. He was a giant, hairy werewolf, with big claws and long teeth. He leapt on me and dragged me to the ground while I was still laughing at Dracula being bitten by the snakes. I screamed and tried to push him off but he was too strong.

    The werewolf howled in my face. I'm not afraid of anything in this world -- except werewolves! I can't stand them! Trying hard not to cry, I punched the werewolf and ran away, but he was too quick and caught me. Rolling me over, he clawed a big hole in my belly, then stuck his jaws down to suck all my guts out. I knew I was in big trouble and I knew I couldn't escape. Was this the end of the intrepid Samuel Z. Grest?!?

    CHAPTER SIX : RESCUED FROM THE JAWS OF DEFEAT

    No, it wasn't! At the last minute, as the werewolf started to suck, something jumped on his shoulder and bit his ears. He screamed and fell away from me. Sitting up, I saw the last thing in the world I had expected to see -- the blue rat who lives inside my head!! "Hello Sam," he said, smiling. "You didn't think I'd really let you come here by yourself, did you? I've been following you all along, waiting for the werewolf to make his move." "Have you killed him?" I asked, because the werewolf was lying very still now on the floor. "No," the blue rat said. "I put special ointment on my teeth when I bit him. It will make him better."

    I watched as the werewolf's hairs began to vanish. After a while, he turned back into a human and I realised who he was. "Moss Biskin!" I shouted happily, helping him sit back up. "What's happening?" Moss Biskin asked, shaking his head stupidly. The blue rat and I laughed at his funny expression, then took him down the mountain, dragged up the plane from the bottom of the pond, and flew back home, where we told Moss Biskin all about it over three cups of tea and a plate of warm rat biscuits.

    THE END
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  • / SHORT STORIES - LONELY LEFTY - Book 3 tie-in story
  • 05 May 2010
    A heart-warming tale of a Christmas at the Cirque Du Freak ...

    LONELY LEFTY

    The Little Person with the limp slung his sack over his shoulder and headed back for the Cirque Du Freak. The sack was loaded with dead animals he’d caught — a fox, a squirrel, a couple of rabbits, a dog. Normally two boys – Darren Shan and Evra Von – hunted for the Little People’s food, but they’d left the Cirque Du Freak with the vampire, Mr Crepsley, a month earlier, and the Little Person with the limp had been elected by the others to do the hunting in their absence.

    The Little Person had been thinking about the boys a lot during his time alone, especially the one called Darren Shan. The boys hadn’t liked him very much – they didn’t like any of the Little People – but he missed them regardless. They’d given him a nickname – "Lefty", because of his limp – which he quite enjoyed.

    As Lefty limped back with his haul, he thought again of the boys and wondered where they were and what they were doing. He was worried about them, in particular Darren — Mr Tiny (his master) had warned him to keep an eye on Darren. Lefty knew Darren was important, but he didn’t know why. If anything happened to him, Mr Tiny wouldn’t like it, and might take his anger out on Lefty. The Little Person wasn’t scared of much, but an angry Mr Tiny would have struck fear in anyone.

    Back at the campsite, Lefty dropped off the dead animals and left the other Little People to eat them — he wasn’t hungry. Wandering around the camp, he saw a group of the circus performers and their human assistants standing around a large open fire, wearing funny pointed hats and singing songs. Curious, he sneaked up on them and observed from the shadows of a van. At first he didn’t know what was going on, but after a while his cloudy memories cleared a little and he realized what they were up to — celebrating Christmas.

    Many of the people associated with the Cirque Du Freak didn’t bother with Christmas – they had other festivals which they celebrated – but some did. Lefty watched, fascinated, as those gathered around the fire made jokes, pulled crackers, played games and stuffed themselves with turkey, ham and wine. He would have liked to join in the fun, but he knew what people thought of the Little People – that they were ugly, unfeeling monsters – and he decided not to bother them, in case he spoiled the party.

    Lefty watched for almost an hour, not feeling the bite of the wintry December day (his grey skin was almost impervious to the cold). Eventually he withdrew, taking with him a party hat which had fallen close to the van where he was sheltering.

    Back in his tent, Lefty lowered the hood of his blue robes, revealing his scarred, grey, noseless, earless, stitched-together face. Attracting the attention of his fellow Little People, he pulled down the mask around his mouth and put on the party hat. Smiling foolishly, he spread his arms and awaited their approval — he was hoping they’d laugh like the people around the fire.

    The Little People stared at Lefty in silence, mildly astonished, then turned their backs on him and carried on eating, not the least bit interested in Christmas or fun. Lefty stood where he was for a long time, then took off the hat, raised his mask and hood, and retreated from the tent, feeling hollow and miserable inside.

    Lefty walked to the edge of the campsite, where he balled up the party hat and tossed it away. He felt sad, and after thinking about it for a while, he realized why — he was lonely. He didn’t feel as though he fitted in anywhere, not with the humans, not with the performers, not even with his own mysterious blue-robed people. Darren and Evra hadn’t been any friendlier to him than the others, but at least they accepted him and had a sense of humour — he was sure the boys would have laughed if they’d seen him wearing the party hat.

    As Lefty stood brooding, he spotted a struggling shape in the snow — a small bird which had collapsed to the ground, weak, hungry and cold. Lefty stomped over to the bird and picked it up, meaning to take it to the other Little People to eat. But, as he gazed at the bird, his mood changed, and instead of squashing it in his large grey hands, he found the hat he’d thrown away, opened it out and laid the tired bird inside.

    There was a stream near where the circus had camped. With the hat and bird tucked under his robes, Lefty hurried to the stream and dug in the soft earth of the bank for worms and insects. When he’d stocked up, he carefully loosened his robes around the bird’s head and proceeded to feed it. The bird didn’t eat from his big grey fingers immediately – it was wary of him – but in the end it pecked at the worm he was dangling in front of it, then tore into it with a vengeance.

    Lefty stayed with the bird, feeding and nursing it, until it began flapping its wings under his robes and squawking. When he saw that it wanted to leave, and was able to, he gently pulled out the party hat and held it up to the sky. The bird hopped onto the edge of the hat, paused there a moment, then took off, chirping with delight. Lefty watched it fly off over the trees next to the campsite, his round green eyes glued to it until it soared out of sight. For a long time he remained where he was, smiling warmly under his mask, half-hoping the bird would return, but not really expecting it to.

    Just as he was about to return to camp, there was a screech overhead and the bird reappeared. It had something in its beak, which it dropped when it flew over Lefty. He snatched the object from the air and examined it — a live beetle. Lefty’s grin broadened and he removed his mask. Looking up, he waved to the bird with the beetle, then popped it into his mouth and ate it, to show the bird he was appreciative.

    The bird chirruped once more when it saw the grey Little Person eat the beetle, then swung wide and departed. Lefty sensed it wouldn’t return this time, so after a short pause, he headed back to camp, a bounce in his limping step, to wait for news of Darren and Evra — and hope that they too would find comfort in the lonely snows that Christmas.
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  • / SHORT STORIES - BRIDE OF SAM GREST - Another story “written by” Sam Grest
  • 05 May 2010
    The following story was written by Sam Grest when he was nine years old. It was scrawled in red ink on a few tattered scraps of A4 paper and was found in an old shoe box full of similarly themed stories and poems. (N.B. You should read "Transylvania Trek" before reading this story!!)

    BRIDE OF SAM! by SAMUEL Z. GREST

    CHAPTER ONE : BEAUTY ENTERS MY LIFE

    I was playing triple chess with my best friend Moss Biskin and the blue rat who lives inside my head. Triple chess was a game we’d invented, which let the three of us play each other at the same time, on the same board. We each had less pieces than we’d have in a normal game of chess, but it was much harder and we had to be at our sharpest when playing it.

    Moss was in the middle of telling me about a cannibal he’d defeated in the Abalon Jungle (he was trying to distract me into making a mistake!) when the door to my office burst open and the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen entered, screaming, her eyes wild with terror. "Help me!" she screamed. "It’s after me! It’s going to eat me! It –" Before she could say any more, she fainted, and I had to jump forward quickly to catch her before she hit the floor.

    CHAPTER TWO : A TALE OF HORROR

    Her name was Demonia and she was lovely. She had a beautiful face, long hair and slim hands. Her feet were big — I’ve always fancied girls with big feet. "Who do you think she is?" the blue rat who lives in my head asked. He was shivering, the way he always does at the start of a dangerous case. "I don’t know," I said. "I don’t trust her," Moss Biskin grunted. "Shut up!" I snapped, wiping her hair from her face, gazing at her closed eyelids and her gently parted lips as she breathed lightly, still asleep (I knew her name because I’d read it on the label inside her jacket when I’d taken it off and hung it up).

    Eventually Demonia awoke. "Where am I?" she gasped, staring around my office, frightened. "It’s OK," I told her. "You’re safe with me. I’m Sam Grest." She smiled when she heard that. "Thanks heavens!" she cried. "I was trying to get here when the monster attacked." "Monster?!?" Moss Biskin, the rat and I shouted together, alarmed but excited — it had been almost a month since we’d last had a scrap with a real nasty monster.

    Over a cup of tea and a plate of warm rat biscuits, Demonia told us about the monster which had attacked her, her brother and two of their friends. It was a purple-skinned, fat creature, who dressed in a white suit and drank the blood of its victims. It killed her two friends and kidnapped her brother. It said it would eat him unless Demonia married it. "Don’t worry!" I interrupted hotly. "I won’t let that happen!" "Thank you, Mr Grest," Demonia said, kissing me to show how grateful she was. "Please," I muttered, blushing madly, "call me Sam."

    CHAPTER THREE : IN HOT PURSUIT

    I wanted to leave with Demonia straightaway but Moss and the blue rat were less than wholly enthusiastic. "There’s something wrong about her," the blue rat squeaked. "I don’t think she told us the whole truth," Moss Biskin added. "You two are just jealous," I replied, "because I’m the only one she kissed. You can stay here and mind the office — I’ll go with her by myself!" Moss and the blue rat tried to talk me out of it, but I wouldn’t listen, and soon I’d left with Demonia to head off in search of her brother. She kissed me again when we were alone, and said she thought she was falling in love with me. I hadn’t felt as happy since I’d cut off the head of a murdering ogre on the banks of the Zalabu river!

    The last time Demonia had seen the purple monster, it had been heading for the cliffs of Dead Man’s Munch. I knew those cliffs well — they were one of the few places on the planet I’d gone out of my way to avoid in the past, knowing how deadly they are. I almost went back to get Moss Biskin and the blue rat – I was scared by myself – but Demonia hugged me tight and kissed me a third time, and after that nothing in the world frightened me, so off we set!

    CHAPTER FOUR : ON THE CLIFFS

    Strong winds howled around the cliffs of Dead Man’s Munch. The cliffs were tall, some of the tallest in the world, and the ground at the bottom was jagged and sharp — if we fell, it would be the end of us! Demonia and I crept along the edge of the cliffs, trying to keep out of the way of the hands of the dead people which stuck out of the rocks and swiped at us as we walked, trying to knock us off. We were doing quite a good job of avoiding them, and were almost at the end of the cliffs, when a hand struck me hard in the back. I teetered on the edge a moment, but then gravity grabbed me and I toppled over — and fell to what seemed a certain, grisly death!

    CHAPTER FIVE : A NARROW ESCAPE

    I would have been a goner, except in the nick of time I remembered the mini parachute I keep in the heel of my left shoe. I wasn’t sure if I was wearing that pair of shoes today, but I had nothing to lose, so I ripped the shoe off, held it above my head and tapped three times on the heel. To my intense relief, the heel slid open and the parachute blossomed out. I landed a few seconds later, harder than I would have wished — but alive!

    As I was sitting up, tucking the mini parachute back into the heel of my shoe, Demonia appeared beside me. "You’re alive!" she exclaimed, startled to see me unharmed. "It’ll take more than a simple fall to kill Sam Grest," I chuckled, then frowned. "How did you get down here?" Demonia smiled crookedly. "I climbed down," she said. "I was so worried about you, I didn’t stop to consider my own safety." I couldn’t see how she’d done it – the cliffs were so sheer, I’d have said they were impossible to climb – but then she kissed me again and I stopped worrying. Slipping my shoe back on, I clambered to my feet and we went looking for Demonia’s brother.

    CHAPTER SIX : WHERE EVIL DWELLS!

    After a short search, we discovered a tunnel leading underneath the cliffs of Dead Man’s Munch. I zipped out the torch I always carry, flicked it on, and we advanced. Demonia was breathing heavily — I assumed it was with fear, so I gave her a hug to cheer her up. She felt bigger than she’d been before, and wider, but I couldn’t see very well, so I put it down to my imagination.

    The tunnel led to a huge cave full of stalactites and stalagmites. There was a platform at the centre of the cave. On it was slab. On the slab lay the rotting corpses of two monsters. Next to the slab stood a fat, purple-skinned man with red eyes and fingernails. He was giggling uncontrollably. "What’s going on?" I shouted. "Who are you and where’s Demonia’s brother?" "My brother’s on the slab — and so’s my other brother," Demonia said behind me, and her voice was much lower and coarser than it had been. Turning to look at her, I got the shock of my life —she’d changed into a monster!

    CHAPTER SEVEN : REVELATIONS

    "What’s going on?" I roared, stumbling away from the monster. "Revenge is what’s going on!" Demonia sneered. She was huge now, with two big red wings and dark green fangs. Her ears were pointy and her eyes were sharp like a demon’s. "You killed my brothers, so now I’m here to kill you!" All of a sudden, I understood what was happening. "Your brother was the Monster From Mongolia!" I gasped. I’d killed him a long time ago. His brother had tried to return the favour in Transylvania several months later, and I’d killed him too. I now knew there’d been a third member of the MFM family — a sister!

    "You can go now, Murlough," Demonia said to the purple-skinned creature on the platform. "Thanks for the help." "No problem, dear lady," Murlough gurgled in reply, then left by the rear exit. "Now for you!" Demonia hissed, creeping towards me on her five hairy legs. "I thought I’d killed you when I pushed you over the edge of the cliff, but when I flew down after you, I found you’d survived. You got lucky that time, but your luck ends here!" So it hadn’t been one of the hands of the dead which knocked me over — Demonia did it! "Stop!" I warned her. "Don’t make me kill you like I had to kill your brothers!" She laughed. "You can’t kill me!" she jeered. "When I was in disguise and kissed you, I was wearing magical lipstick. That’s why you fell in love with me — and that’s why you won’t be able to harm me!" To my horror, I realized she was telling the truth — when I tried to raise a hand to fight her, it wouldn’t move! I was completely powerless — and about to die!

    CHAPTER EIGHT : SWEET TIMING

    Demonia was almost upon me, claws exposed, fangs dripping with green drool. "I’ll kill you slowly!" she croaked. "And I’m going to eat you. And when I’m finished, I’ll squat over a toilet and –" "Not so fast!" someone shouted behind her. Spinning, the monster found herself faced with a grim Moss Biskin and a glowering blue rat. "What are you doing here?" Demonia screeched. "We followed you," Moss Biskin said. "We guessed what you were up to, and set out to put a stop to it." "You’re fools if you think you can kill me," Demonia snarled. "We don’t intend to," the blue rat said, then raced between the monster’s five legs and handed me a damp handkerchief. "Use it quick!" he told me. "We smeared it with the antidote to her magic lipstick." Demonia screamed when she heard that and darted towards me. But I was quicker than the monster, wiped my lips clean with one swift sweep, pulled an axe out of my rucksack, and cut her head off just as she was about to devour me.

    "Well," Moss said, stepping up beside me, "that was a close one!" "Yes," I sighed, glad to be alive, but sad at the same time. "Never mind," the blue rat said, crawling back inside my ear to its home. "You’ll fall in love again. Plenty more fish in the sea." "Let’s just hope there aren’t plenty more Monsters From Mongolia!" Moss Biskin laughed, and after a brief reflective pause, I turned my back on the dead monster, bid farewell to the memory of the only girl I’d ever love, slung an arm around Moss Biskin’s shoulder — and I laughed too.

    THE END
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  • / SHORT STORIES - AN AFFAIR OF THE NIGHT - Book 5 tie-in story
  • 05 May 2010
    What's this -- a love story on Shanville?!? Yes, I'm afraid it's true. If soppy, sentimental tales aren't your scene, you might want to give this one a miss! But fear not, Shansters -- this is but a momentary diversion in the otherwise horrific, thrill-packed world of Darren Shan. So grab a hankie, let the tears flow, have a tube of superglue ready to stick your heart back together -- then put this little love story behind you and join me on the road to Vampire Mountain, where romance is very definitely NOT on the agenda!!!

    AN AFFAIR OF THE NIGHT

    Liz Carr was weeding the small garden in front of her house when the vampire attacked. The sun was setting – a warm, red evening – and she was concentrating on the weeds, squinting to find them in the dusk, determined to finish the job before night. Suddenly, two hands snaked around her waist and yanked her up into the air. A pair of lips fastened on her throat. As she opened her mouth wide to scream, her assailant growled throatily: “If you don’t keep quiet — I’ll give you a hickey!”

    “Gavner!” Liz shrieked, shaking her head free, spinning in his arms, kissing him passionately.

    “Pleased to see me?” the vampire called Gavner Purl grinned when she came up for air.

    "Stupid question!” she grunted, kissing him again. Then, finding the ground with her feet, she took hold of his hands, left the weeds for another day, and dragged Gavner inside.

    Later that night, they lay stretched out before a burning fire, talking softly, hugging and kissing. It had been three years since Gavner’s last visit, and they’d a lot to catch up on. Liz told Gavner all about her work – she was a nurse in a nearby hospital – and he in turn told her of his exploits as a Vampire General. His stories sometimes chilled her – part of his job was finding and executing rogue vampires – but this time he had nothing unpleasant to report. They’d been a busy but unremarkable three years — no killings.

    As Liz studied Gavner’s scarred face and dark rimmed eyes, she found herself recalling their first encounter twenty-six years ago. She’d been a young woman, a mere twenty-three years old, while Gavner (though she didn’t know it at the time) was more than eighty.

    She ran into him in St Matthew’s hospital, where she’d started a few months earlier. She was on the late shift, working from midnight through to the early hours of the morning. It was a quiet time, most of the patients asleep, no visitors, the corridors deserted. Liz liked it. She’d always been a bit of a loner, and she enjoyed doing her rounds alone, no distractions, with only herself for company.

    She’d just checked on an elderly patient, and was coming out of his room, when she heard harsh breathing in the hallway. Glancing up, she saw a burly man propped against a wall, staring at her with dark, unfriendly eyes.

    "Who are you?” she snapped, clutching her clipboard close to her chest, as though it would protect her if the stranger attacked. “What are you doing here?”

    "I need … blood,” the man gasped, then slid down the wall to a sitting position.

    Liz thought about calling security, but then the man groaned feebly and her nursing instincts took over. Rushing to him, she saw that he was bleeding from a wound in his stomach. His face was white and creased with pain. She faltered at the sight of his scarred features and blood-specked jumper – she knew intuitively that not all the blood was his – but only momentarily. Seconds later she was kneeling over him, examining his wound, looking for a compress to staunch the flow of blood.

    “Hold this in place,” she said, pressing a large wad of napkins over the hole in the man’s stomach. “I’ll go get a doctor.”

    “No!” the man hissed, grabbing her before she could leave. “No … doctors!”

    “I have to!” she snapped, trying to wrench free. “You’ll die otherwise.”

    “No,” he insisted stubbornly, and something in his voice made her pause. “All I need is … blood. Get me blood. I’ll take care … of the rest.”

    Liz started to object, but as she stared into his eyes, her mouth closed and she said nothing. “Blood,” the man whispered softly, widening his eyes, piercing her with his gaze. “Bring me blood. Don’t tell anyone. No doctors.”

    “OK,” Liz sighed, rising. As she walked to fetch the blood, she realized the man had somehow, in some way, hypnotised her. She thought she could break free of his spell if she tried hard — but she didn’t bother. As menacing as he looked, she sensed no harm in the stranger, and believed the best thing would be to do as he asked and give him some blood.

    When she returned with two plastic bags filled with a sloshing red liquid, the man tore them from her hands, ripped them open and drank from them like a wild animal, greedily gulping the blood down, moaning with pleasure. Finished, he rested his head against the wall a while, then bent over and dribbled spit around the wound in his stomach. Rubbing the spit in, he spat on the wound again, then again. As Liz watched incredulously, the blood stopped flowing and the wound scabbed over.

    “How are you doing that?” she gasped.

    “My spit has remarkable … healing powers,” the man wheezed, leaning his head against the wall again, smiling painfully.

    “What happened to you?” Liz asked.

    “Had a run-in … with a group of men … who didn’t like my face,” the man chuckled, then raised a rough, bloody hand. “Gavner Purl,” he said.

    “Liz Carr,” Liz replied, taking his hand and shaking it. “I’m a nurse,” she added unnecessarily.

    The man grinned broadly. “I’m a vampire — pleased to … meetcha!”

    * * *

    “What are you thinking about?” Gavner asked. The room had gone very quiet and Liz realized neither of them had said anything for several minutes.

    “I was remembering the first time we met,” she said, sitting up and running a hand through her long, light brown hair.

    “That was one for the books,” Gavner laughed, tickling her gently. “I never understood why you trusted me so readily. You even brought me back here once you’d patched me up — knowing I was a vampire!”

    “I didn’t really believe you were a vampire,” Liz smiled, “not to begin with. I thought you were confused — or mad.”

    “But bringing a stranger home … That was dangerous. And silly. There’s no telling what I could have done.”

    It was true. When the man claiming to be a vampire rose and stumbled for the exit after a few minutes’ rest, Liz had stopped him. “You can’t leave,” she said. “You’re in no state to go anywhere. Stay. There are spare beds. I’ll put you in one and –”

    “No!” Gavner grunted, lurching towards the door. “Can’t stop. Can’t let medics … examine me. If my enemies learn … my whereabouts, I’m … dead.”

    “Then come home with me!” Liz pleaded, the words popping out before she had a chance to consider them. “I have a small house several miles away, in the countryside. I live alone. I’ll look after you until you’re better.”

    Gavner paused at the door and stared back at her. “You don’t mean that,” he whispered. “You can’t.”

    “I do,” she insisted, stepping up beside him.

    “But … you know nothing about me. I crawl in here … in the dead of night … covered in blood … tell you I’m a vampire … and you want to take me home?!? Are you crazy?”

    “Maybe,” Liz smiled. “But you’d be crazy too, to turn down such an offer. Now — are you coming or not?” She held out a firm hand.

    Gavner gazed silently at the fingers, then chuckled and slipped his own large fingers around them. “Guess I am,” he sighed, and let her lead him out of the hospital and into the safety of the night.

    * * *

    Liz called in sick that morning, and stayed home with Gavner. The two went to bed, where they slept the day away. Liz woke before the vampire in the afternoon and spent a few hours pottering around the house, waiting for him to wake. When he finally yawned, stretched and rolled out of bed, he smiled at her sheepishly. “Sorry if my snoring kept you awake,” he said. It was a familiar greeting of his, one he’d used for many years, since she first complained of his bear-like snores.

    “That’s OK,” Liz smiled, pecking his lips. “I slept like a baby.” Her nose wrinkled. “Speaking of which, you smell like a baby — with a dirty nappy!”

    Gavner laughed guiltily. “I washed in a stream three or four nights ago, but I haven’t had a chance since then.”

    “In that case, the first order of the night is to get you straight into the bath,” Liz said, leading him to the bathroom.

    “And afterwards?” Gavner asked innocently. “Any idea what we can do to pass a long and otherwise dull night?”

    “Oh,” Liz replied with a fond smirk, “I’m sure we’ll think of something …”

    * * *

    The next few nights were delightful. They always were when Gavner returned from his work as a Vampire General. They cooked elaborate meals, drank expensive wine, danced to old records which Liz had inherited from her mother, and spoke at great length about their lives.

    Gavner had more to say than Liz, of course, since he was almost a hundred and ten years old. He’d seen more of the world and met more fascinating people than she ever would. She loved listening to his tales of the past, encounters he’d had with famous or interesting figures of history.

    “You were really friends with Groucho Marx?” she asked.

    “Sure. He used to say I was the greatest bloodsucker he knew — except for his lawyers!”

    Liz still felt uneasy about Gavner’s need for blood. She knew he only took small amounts when he drank, never harming those he fed from, but it seemed ghoulish to her. They didn’t discuss it much.

    It had taken Liz a long time to accept Gavner’s vampire claim. As he recovered in her house and gradually told her of his true nature, she thought he was making it up. When she realized he was serious, she feared for his sanity and considered reporting him to the proper authorities. It was only when he sat outside with her for a few hours one day, and started to burn, that she began to think there might be something to his supernatural tales.

    He stayed with her for almost a fortnight that first time, regaining his strength, hiding from his enemies (she later learned that they were a small group of vampire hunters, men who’d tracked Gavner through twelve different countries, hunting him for sport). There was no romance — they simply became good friends. When he left, she was sad to see him go, but not overly so.

    A year later, he returned one cold night, bringing roses (he stole them from a cemetery), to thank her properly for her kindness. He’d stayed more than two weeks this time, and their friendship developed into something deeper and more meaningful. Since then, Gavner had spent as much time with Liz as his duties permitted. Sometimes he dropped in three or four times a year, for weeks on end; on other occasions two or three years would pass without contact. Liz always worried about him when he was absent – knowing he could die any time, and she’d never hear about it – but Gavner did nothing to assuage her fears.

    “If I phoned or wrote letters, it’d only make you think about me more,” he said when she pressed him on the subject. “I’m a creature of the night — you’re not. Our lives are too different to ever fit together neatly. Let’s cherish the moments we share — and try not to think about each other when we’re apart.”

    She’d sometimes thought of becoming part of his world – if he’d blooded her, she could have explored the night with him, as an equal – but Liz didn’t want to become a vampire, and Gavner never asked her to abandon her humanity for him —his was a hard life, and he didn’t wish it on her.

    And so they’d continued for twenty-six years, on-and-off lovers, united by the night, divided by the day.

    * * *

    Liz prepared breakfast (vampires called their first meal of the night breakfast), while Gavner shaved in the bathroom. The vampire normally didn’t shave very often, but his bristles were extremely tough and irritated Liz’s skin, so she made him lather up and shave them off every night when he stayed with her.

    While she scrambled eggs, she found herself studying her reflection in the mirror on the shelf near the cooker. She was forty-nine years old, and though she’d aged well, there was no denying the traces of time evident in the lines around her eyes, the grey hairs at her temple, the dry skin around her throat. Liz Carr was getting old — that didn’t worry her; but Gavner had hardly aged during the quarter of a century she’d known him — and that had been gnawing away at her for most of the last decade.

    “Admiring yourself again?” Gavner murmured, sneaking up behind her and kissing her neck.

    "There’s a lot to admire,” Liz grinned.

    “There certainly is,” Gavner agreed, then dipped his fingers in the saucepan and scooped some egg into his mouth.

    “Wait your turn!” Liz snapped, slapping his fingers with her fork.

    “I’m hungry,” he complained, sliding away from her, licking his lips.

    “No wonder,” Liz snorted. “You get more exercise snoring than most people get jogging!” She lifted the saucepan from its ring and emptied the eggs on to a pair of matching plates.

    “That’s always the way,” Gavner sighed. “When I first arrive, my snoring doesn’t bother you and you cling to me tightly. By the time I leave, you can’t stand it and are ecstatic to be rid of me!”

    “I guess love deafens me for a while — but only a while,” Liz laughed. Then, as she handed Gavner his plate, her features softened and she said quietly, “Will you be leaving soon?”

    Gavner nodded, tucking into his eggs. “Tomorrow. I have to go to Vampire Mountain — we’re having our great Council in a few months.”

    “Another Council?” Liz tutted. “You almost died trying to get to the one before last. I don’t know why you bother.”

    "Tradition,” Gavner smirked. He stuck his left foot out and wriggled the three toes on it at her — he’d lost the other two twenty-four years ago, on his way to the Council she’d referred to.

    “You’ll be gone for quite a while then,” Liz said, staring down at her food, not touching it.

    “A few months to get there, two or three months in the mountain, another month or two to return. I’ll try and drop in on the way back.”

    “So this is our final night together,” Liz noted glumly.

    “For a while,” Gavner agreed. He paused. “Are you OK? You seem a bit down.”

    “I’m fine,” Liz smiled thinly. “Just sad at the thought of you going.”

    “It won’t be for long,” Gavner reassured her. “Six months — maybe less. I’ll be back before you know it.”

    “I’m sure you will,” Liz said, then smiled firmly. “Hurry up and eat your eggs. I want to make the most of our last few hours together.”

    “That’s what I like,” Gavner chuckled, wolfing down the last of his food. “A woman who knows her mind …”

    * * *

    The sun had set when Gavner awoke. “Sorry if my snoring …” he began to mumble, then stopped when he realized Liz wasn’t there. Stretching, he scratched under an armpit and sighed happily. She was probably outside, tending to the garden, or else she’d popped into town to buy some supplies. He’d cook a meal for her, have it ready when she walked in. Their last meal of this visit. It would have to be something special, something she loved.

    Gavner was thinking hard about the food when he walked into the kitchen and saw the parcel and card on the table. He frowned, strode to the table and studied the objects with suspicion. The parcel was small, carefully wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper, with a label attached, on which was penned: “For you — the love of my life.” The card was standing upright, half open, and he could glimpse Liz’s handwriting inside.

    He knew instantly that something was wrong, and it was more than a minute before he reached out, picked up the card, opened it, and read:

    “Gavner, my love — it’s over. There’s no easy way to put it. I’ve been thinking about it for months – no, years – and I haven’t been able to come up with a more artful way of phrasing it. So I’ll say it again, as plainly as before — it’s over.

    “These twenty-six years have been magical, my love. You’ve enriched my life in wonderful ways. There have been disappointments – I wish we could have been together all the time, and that we could have had children – but I won’t remember those when I think about our relationship in the lonely years to come — I’ll recall only the great times, the nights you held me close, the amazing stories you graced me with, the love we shared which has given meaning to my life (and, I believe, yours).

    “So — why the dramatic farewell? It’s simple — I’m getting old. I don’t think you’ve seen that yet – in your eyes I’m as young as I was when we first met – but it wouldn’t be long before you did. In another five or six years, I’ll be in my mid-fifties, but you’ll still look like a man in his early thirties (albeit one who’s had a hell of a rough ride through life!).

    “I don’t want you to see me growing old, Gavner. If you were ageing too, it would be different – we could wrinkle together, and take comfort in each other’s fading glory – but you aren’t. You’re a young man, and will be for many decades –centuries! – to come, long after my body’s crumbled and my spirit’s passed on.

    “This is the right time to call it quits, while I’m in my (almost!) prime, while our love’s as strong as it’s ever been, before I grow old and spoil it all. I can’t bear the thought of having you around when I’m stooped with age and preparing for death — too messy; too painful. It will be hard for you, I know – and just as hard for me – but it’s the right thing to do. I’m convinced of that.

    “You’ll see that too, I think, but not straightaway. You don’t leap to conclusions as quickly as I do — I guess because you’ve got so much more time than me to weigh up all the various options. If I’d discussed this with you, face-to-face, you might have talked me round to your way of thinking, and convinced me to stay and let you back into my life — and that would be wrong. If we don’t break now, sharply and cleanly, we never will — and our lives will be all the more painful because of it.

    “So I’m going, my love. I’m leaving. I won’t return to the house until you’ve left for Vampire Mountain — and don’t try to trick me by pretending to go, then doubling back, because I’ll know! When I do return, it will only be to gather my belongings and sell off the house. I’ll move to another town – maybe another country – and start afresh. You never know — I might even find a new man to share my final years with! (I’m open to any sort of man, except vampires — one of those per life is enough for any woman!)

    “I’m weeping as I write this, my love, and this is only the start of the waterworks — I might be wailing for years to come! But I know in my heart I’m doing the right thing. What we’ve shared was beautiful, but now it must end and we must go our separate ways — back to our own worlds.

    “I’ve left a little present for you. You’ll hate it, I’m sure — which is why I picked it! I’d much rather you winced every time you looked upon my gift and thought of me, than burst into tears. Make good use of my gift, Gavner — and thank your lucky stars every time you gaze upon it that you got rid of me when you did, before I kitted you out with any other monstrous designs!!!

    “Anyway (big sigh!), I could go on forever (and ever and ever), but what’s the point? I love you and always will (even if I find some other man to grow old with), and I wouldn’t swap any of our nights together for all the glories of this world or any other. But the time has come to part — so part we must. I hope we meet again in Paradise or Heaven, or wherever it is mismatched lovers go when they die — but not any time soon!

    “A toast, my darling vampire: to long lives (yours will be longer than mine, of course!), lots of luck — and a universe of love.

    “Goodbye, Gavner. I love you. X.”

    * * *

    Gavner read the message twice. Three times. Four. On the fifth occasion he stopped halfway through, laid the card down, and picked up Liz’s parting present. He was cold inside, colder than he’d ever been, and although his head was full of desperate thoughts – that he’d run after her, find her, and wipe these foolish ideas from her mind – on a deeper level he knew that he’d never see her again, that she’d made her decision and it was his duty to respect it.

    He turned the parcel around several times, delaying the moment when he had to open it, wishing she’d waltz through the door, yell “Fooled ya!” and kiss him like she had so many times before. When that didn’t happen, he finally ripped the paper off the present, shook it free of the last few strips, and held it up to the light.

    Boxer shorts. Bright yellow. With tiny pink elephants stitched into the lining.

    “You’ve got to be kidding!” he gasped aloud. These were awful! The most deplorable, loud, ridiculous shorts he’d ever seen! If she thought he was going to wear these, she must be –

    He stopped, recalled her line in the letter about wanting him to wince every time he gazed upon her farewell present, rather than sob. A weak smile flickered across his lips, and he knew he’d wear the boxers, wear them until they fell to shreds. And though he’d think of Liz every time he pulled them on or off, he’d have to smile at the memory of the ghastly present, and as great as his sense of loss would be, he’d be able to bear it.

    “Nice one, Liz,” he grunted, turning the shorts around, grimacing as he spotted more pink elephants on the back. Balling the shorts up, he read through the message one final time, then unballed the shorts and studied them again, running a rough, scarred fingertip over one of the tiny, smiling, pink elephants.

    And then the Vampire General clutched the shorts to his chest, perched against the table, closed his eyes, whispered her name – “Liz!” – and began to slowly and lonesomely cry.

    end


    [for Gillie and Zoe -- now you know why Gavner wears those boxers!!!]
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