• 15 July 2010
    I wrote the following piece for a book called Guys Write For Guys Read. You can learn a bit more about the book by clicking here: http://www.darrenshan.com/extras/othercovers/guysread.html I decided to create a "manifesto" outlining some of the things that define what it means to be a guy -- and then, seeing a chance for a bit of easy wordplay, I decided to call it a "GUYifesto"!!!! As you'll see, it's a lighthearted bit of fun, slightly crude in places -- since the book was aimed solely at boys, my aim was to write something that would appeal specifically to teenage or pre-teen boys and make them laugh. Those of you who've read my books will know I normally don't resort to cheap, semi-rude jokes about natural bodily functions, but in this case I thought, why the hell not?!? If you're somebody who gets offended by burping and farting, or even the use of the word "fart", then you probably shouldn't read on!!!! And if you're a girl, you DEFINITELY shouldn't read on -- unless you want to learn some of the deep, dark secrets of that shadowy, unseemly species know to the world as ... GUYS!!!!!!

    buy Guys Read from Amazon UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0670060275/shanville

    buy Guys Read from Amazon USA: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0670060275/qid=1139652271/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-6930486-5385668?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

    GUYIFESTO -- who we (i.e. GUYS) are!!!!

    *Guys burp! Burping is our way of communicating with each other. We can say just about anything we want with a good burp. Girls gossip — guys burp. If a girl complains about you burping, you should tell her, “I’ll stop burping when you stop gossiping!”

    *Guys scratch! Guys scratch themselves all over. It’s how we check ourselves for wounds, insects, and all manner of other stuff. It goes back to when we were cavemen and didn’t have any medicines. It’s a natural defense and should be encouraged, not criticized.

    *Guys sniff! Often right after they scratch. It keeps our nostrils in shape. This was very important in olden times, when a good set of nostrils was the best way of telling if there were any dangerous animals about.

    *Guys wrestle! It’s a noble, ancient art. In Greek and Roman times, wrestlers were treated like heroes. Watching two grown men in tights throwing each other around a canvas ring is not silly or childish — it’s our way of keeping alive glorious cultures and traditions.

    *Guys are hairy! Girls make us shave, but beards and moustaches are great — they give us a fierce yet dignified look. Abe Lincoln had a beard! So did most of the other great guys of history. Every guy has an obligation to grow a beard or mustache at least once in his life.

    *Guys like sports! Real guys know that jobs, wives, money, family, and all the rest are only background details. Sports are what we were born for, either as competitors or spectators. It doesn’t matter whether it’s football, basketball, baseball, or Ludo — all guys love some sort of a sport, more than they can ever love anything else (except perhaps their car or dog).

    *Guys bite their toenails! This is an art form, not a disgusting habit! If Olympic gymnasts could bend down far enough to bite their toenails, they’d win gold medals every time! We defy the physical laws when we chew our toenails. Not only should we not stop doing it — we should do it more often, and in public!

    *After guys bite their toenails they chew the nails up into little pieces and swallow them! Not an art form, really, but crunchy — yum!

    *After guys bite their toenails and chew them up and swallow them they find a girl and kiss her! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

    *Guys don’t cook! Guys never cook, or do the washing-up, or even set foot in a kitchen unless it’s to eat food that has already been prepared. Unless they’re a famous chef. Then it’s OK. Otherwise it’s a major no-no! (Making popcorn doesn’t count as cooking, and it’s OK to BBQ, too. Anything else — nuh-uh!)

    *Making up a bed? Tidying a bedroom? PUH-LEASE!

    *Guys always eat with their mouths open! It makes the food taste better, and when little bits fall out and get stuck in your sweater or T-shirt, you can spend many happy hours picking them out and finishing them off. Even yummier than toenails!

    *Guys don’t wear suits! No where, no why, no how! Any guy who wears a suit is a slave to the man and no longer worthy of the honorable title of GUY! If you see a guy wearing a suit, you should report it at once to the F.G.I. (Federal Guy Investigators).

    *Guys never kiss girls! Unless they’ve bitten their toenails off (see above) or have just eaten a load of garlic, and want to make the girl suffer.

    *Guys don’t do pink! It’s not our color. Fact!

    *Guys don’t get up early! Unless it’s for sports. And even then, we do so reluctantly, with much moaning and groaning.

    *Guys don’t care about schoolwork! We do it to shut our parents up, sure, but we know it doesn’t really matter, since we’re all going to be rich, famous sports stars when we grow up.

    *And, finally, most important of all, guys fart! And real guys always call it farting! We don’t “toot” or “break wind” or “have a little whistle.” We f-a-r-t-FART! And we’re proud of our farts! We are the master farters of the universe — louder, longer, and smellier than any other creature in the world! Girls envy our flatulent abilities — that’s why they constantly moan about them, to try to drag us down to their own mediocre level. You should never apologize for farting, or try to keep a fart bottled in. True guys fart anytime, anywhere, devil be damned! Yes, it’s especially nice when we let off a loud, foul, juicy one underneath the covers late at night, then dip our heads beneath the sheets for a good, long SNIFF — but don’t keep all those decadent smells for yourselves, guys! Because above all else, guys LOVE TO SHARE, and farts are made to be shared with the world — especially girls!

    N.B. This list is not exclusive — every guy should feel free to add to it, to expand and explore the boundaries of guydom. Then show it to your parents and teachers, to explain who you are and what you’re made of. And if you fart on the paper just before handing it in, you might just get an extra couple of points — but only if your teacher is a GUY!
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